Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Eating Styrofoam From Japan

I bought a package of Japanese chewing gum the other day. It looked exactly like this:

NOTE: This is not the actual package of gum that I bought; I ate it much to quickly and there was no time for photographs. The above picture is taken from a website that sells Asian gum, as well as Asian candy, Asian novelties, and I think you can get some mail-order sushi on there too. Although that is not to be trusted and will probably be confiscated at the Post Office. And then you'll go to jail.

As I worked my way through the little, individual boxes of variously-flavored gum bits, I noticed that the three pieces in the upper right-hand corner (the Green Apple, Peach, and Frog flavored ones) were being supported by a thin piece of Styrofoam that made them even, height-wise, with the boxes that surrounded them. I suppose it could have also made them even in a spiritual sense, or in a fiscal sense, or even in a self-esteem sense, but we'll never really know. Gum can't talk, kids. It just can't.

Anyway, I saw this white plank just lying there in the cheap, cardboard box and I thought, "Fucking sweet! I was just saying to Girlfriend that I really wanted to eat a small quantity of Styrofoam that's typically used to elevate gum! Look out, folks, I'm going to snack on this shit hardcore!!!"

I lifted the Styrofoam to my mouth, greedily, ready to get my grub on, but then I noticed the words that were printed on it's face. This piece of Styrofoam was trying to tell me something:

That's right... "Do Not Eat Inedible," is what this piece of factory-grade packaging material said to me, and the power of it's words struck my heart like a thing that struck some guy this one time and it was awesome.

How foolish I was. How close to death I nearly came.

Well, maybe not death, but... you know... a stomach ache from eating Styrofoam. Hell, maybe it would have killed me. Who knows? Styrofoam, much like gum, can't talk. We'll never know if it had malice on it's mind. Though I have to say that it is pretty suspicious, what with it just laying there all sexy, flat, and non-biodegradable. It exploited my weakness for wanting to eat polystyrene thermal insulation... and it was very nearly victorious.

Oooh, wouldn't it have been totally ironic if I had eaten it and died, but it was the ink that the manufacturer used to print the warning message that actually killed me? Like, it was poison or something, and if they hadn't put it on the Styrofoam, it would have been fine. That would be like a modern-day O. Henry story, except I wouldn't have to sell my hair or anything! Heh... neat.

Yeah... what were we talking about? Japanese gum? Right, so this Japanese gum that I bought was really good, very sweet and tasty, but it loses it's flavor really quickly. Which is a total bummer, because it's like, yum, I'm chewing on some Strawberry gum and then, BAM!, it suddenly tastes like... like... (gasp) STYROFOAM!!!

I'm scared now.


Blogger Cray said...

no Prawn or used-panty flavor? It is my understanding that the Japanese get in to some stuff that "be freaky"...

Asian stereotyping, bless us all.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...


11:50 AM  
Anonymous stew said...

hey, now! you know what really needs a stamp that says "do not eat INEDIBLE"? My mom's holiday cooking! because it's gross! And awful! Hahahaha.

But seriously, folks. Don't eat my mom's cooking. For real.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Clinton, have I got the hookup for you!

Order food from Mura (5th ave in Park Slope). They include that gum with every order! I'm a huge fan of the grape flavor.

1:34 PM  
Anonymous David said...

Why don’t you start a campaign to get them to use packaging stuff made out of corn starch then they would have to waste the time printing them with silly messages telling us what we shouldn’t do.

1:35 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Stew... Hi-oh!!!

Todd... Excellent, thanks for the tip! I love that gum with all my heart (Strawberry is my homeboy). Will have to check this place out.

David... Oh, corn starch just isn't the same.

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

Why isn't that warning printed in Japanese are they assuming only dumb Americans would try to eat it?

4:48 PM  
Anonymous April said...

I found your blog while searching for a specific gum from my childhood. I noticed this post and just wanted to leave a comment since I so recently bought a pack of gum similar to this one at a local Asian Market. The manufacturer must have changed the packaging because it doesn't include the apple, peach, or frog flavors anymore. Instead there are two of each of the others. I actually like the gum and will buy more. I also didn't get a picture of it, but I will the next time I buy it. Thanks for your post. Interesting.

11:31 PM  

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