Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Religious Clowns Of Texas: A Horribly Unsetteling Pictorial

NOTE: When I can't think of a post topic, I tend to just wander around the internet, keeping my eyes peeled for interesting ideas. Occasionally, this leads me to places that inspire some of what I consider to be my best work. Other times, it will lead me to places like Clowns For Hire .com, which is a fate worse than what happened to those kids in Hostel. Did you know that Clowns For Hire .com allows you to search through their database of clowns based on your own specific criteria and location? It's true... Here's what came up for "Clown Ministry" and "Texas:"

2ND NOTE: Names have been removed because I don't want a bunch of pissed-off, Google-happy clowns coming after me with hunting knives.

Clown #1



If you ever wonder what your deadbeat father has been up to ever since he ran out on your family when you were nine, well... let's just say that Daddy drinks and there's just not a whole lot of options out there for alcoholics who only like to work three hours a day and have a trick knee that acts up at even the mention of manual labor. It's pretty much either throwing on a slap-dash clown suit and giving slurred readings from the Bible, or dying from exposure behind the dumpster of the local Arby's while digging around for half-eaten Beef N' Cheddars. Not much of a choice really, although he could sure as shit go for a Beef N' Cheddar right about now.

Serial Killer Potential: 2 out of 5 (He's much to lazy to be any sort of tangible threat, but then again, he gets so angry when he's been drinking...)

Clown #2



There's not a doubt in my mind that he ate that bunny. Poor... poor... bunny. Never stood a chance, I guess. Because when it needs to feed, nothing will stand in it's way. The real problem with this one is that it looks almost too much like the average, national concept of a clown. It's like when you see a tranny that's trying so hard to look like a real woman, it becomes instantly clear that it's a dude in a dress who's not above a few operations to achieve his twisted vision of the feminine ideal. It's the same thing with our boy up top, except in this equation you swap "woman" with "clown" and "dude in a dress" with "carnivorous minion of Satan."

Serial Killer Potential: 5 out of 5 (Chances are, it's killing right now)

Clown #3



You're just not trying. I'm sure it's really sad being almost 40 and single, but there's got to be better ways to channel your energy than this. You're basically painting your face with your own desperation and desire for love and it's clearly making all the kids really, really uncomfortable.

Serial Killer Potential: 0 out of 5 (Eating a Whole Carton of Ben and Jerry's, Then Crying Self To Sleep Potential: 5 out of 5)

Clown #4



Yikes. Okay, imagine you're walking through a spooky cornfield late at night, the moon overhead your only guide, and you stumble upon this atrocity hanging off an old, wooden cross. You're a little freaked out at first, but then you're like, "Psh... whatever, it's just a scarecrow. Ain't no thang." And you keep walking. But then you hear a noise. You turn around and everything appears to be as it was... but... isn't that scarecrow a little closer than it should be? I mean, you were walking away from it. Shouldn't it be farther back. That's when it's head begins to move. It's dead, painted eyes rise up to meet yours. Your blood runs cold. Suddenly, it's off the cross and holding you by the the throat! You hear someone screaming and, as your face is slowly eaten off, you realize that that someone is you.

Wouldn't that be sooooo scary???

Serial Killer Potential: 6 out of 5 (It gets an extra point for being an actual, walking nightmare)

Clown #5



JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US JOIN US
Serial Killer Potential: 5 out of 5 (I guess that's accurate, but how do you really judge pure evil; I mean, I could write a whole thesis on all the different ways that this picture is frightening, and that's not even taking into consideration what happened to the photographer after the shutter clicked... it's just too awful to think about...)

9 Comments:

Blogger Ross said...

I went to visit the site, and they are all pretty scary or sad looking clowns. I know that you looked at Texas out of concern for your family, but you should see what's in your own neighborhood.

http://www.clownsforhire.com/photo.php?clownid=1351&image=photo2

Personally, I think the glasses are meant to distract you from the teeth.

9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This entry is farking awesome. Girlfriend said you were funny :-)

-Phoenix

10:01 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ross... And now I'll never leave my house. Thanks.

Phoenix... Thanks, yo! Also, I did a quick edit on your comment because we like to keep Girlfriend's name out of things on ZFS! Legal reasons (she's running from the mob), you understand.

10:03 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Clown #1 looks suspiciously like someone I know. And that someone just maybe might be C-dog.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I deny everything.

10:20 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

holy balls, clinton. i'd like to sleep again someday. while i don't find the pictures unsettling, i am irritated that now i have "send in the clowns" in my head for what most likely will be months.

cheers.

12:46 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I actually feel kinda sorry for #3.

6:49 PM  
Blogger i like cheese said...

please next time you post yucky pictures of yucky clowns, you must post a warning. for the love of all things good and holy!

3:52 PM  
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