Last Meals
So the other day, quite by accident, I stumbled across one of the most fascinating websites I've found in a long time. Because I'm all about sharing the love (as well as forcing the things that I'm interested in on other people), I'm going to link to it here. Now, what you're looking at after you click is an archive page from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice; specifically, it's an archive of all the "last meal" requests from Death Row inmates in the great, bloodthirsty state of my birth.
Kind of creepy, right? But also... curious. I've read the whole list and, well, let's just say it beats the pants off a John Grisham novel. Now, yes, I know that it's morbid to the max; these guys are dead, after all, and they got that way by doing terrible things to people in a place that, in turn, did terrible things to them (back home, we call that the Circle of Life). Still, though, to read a list of what a doomed man requested to be his final bites of food on this planet, particularly when said man is an unquestionably bad person who's death is preceded only by more death at his own hands... shit, you can't beat that for inherent drama and emotional impact. Oh, don't look at me like that... this is found gold for a person like me (trivia-obsessed, an appreciater of all things unpleasant, incredibly handsome) and I won't apologize for it.
And, honestly, I think once you start reading their requests, coupled with the links to their rap sheets, you'll be just as hooked as I was. Or maybe I'm just weird.
Whatever, here are some things to look for...
-I urge someone to count up all the requests for double-meat cheeseburgers.
-There's a weird patch during the late-80's, early-90's where a ton of "declined last meal" notices pop up. What was going on around that time that caused this mass refusal of pre-execution chow?
-For some reason, even though I get what they're trying to do, I'm really irritated by the inmates that request for their last meal things like, "God's saving grace, love, truth, peace and freedom" or, "Justice, Temperance, with Mercy." Fuck you, guy who suddenly found religion after killing a bunch of people. Either decline the food or have a steak and be done with. Don't gotta get all showy with the I-have-a-pointiness. To be fair, though, there is one on here that says, "asked that final meal be provided to a homeless person," which is acceptable only because it doesn't appear that the inmate went and made a big, hairy deal about his altruistic gesture.
-All requests for alcohol are denied. BOOOOOO!!!!
-My favorites (yes, I have favorite Death Row last meal requests; you don't?) are the totally left field, bizarro ones. Stuff like: "Yogurt" or "Cool Whip and cherries" or "One flour tortilla and water" or "1 bag of assorted Jolly Ranchers." These things must have some sort of special significance, otherwise... really? Why the hell would you want Jolly Ranchers to be your last meal. Not for nothing, but Jolly Ranchers are gross.
Anyway, once you've absorbed all the info that this list has to offer, you're going to inevitably find yourself staring down the barrel of a loaded gun known as The Big Question, and that Big Question is, of course, this:
What would I have for my last meal?
As you can imagine, I've thought looooong and hard about this. Because I'm a gigantic fat ass who loves food so much that food has gotten creeped out and blocked my phone number, I've had a hard time coming up with just one meal that would be suitable as my last stop before the big empty. Finally, though, after much soul searching and many conversations with my stomach (it sounds a lot like Jon Lovitz, oddly enough), here's what I've come up with...
-6 buffalo wings, medium spicy (I want to be able to taste everything else), with bleu cheese dressing.
-a 14oz ribeye steak, medium rare, prepared by this guy I used to know named Cesar who was a line-cook at the Outback I worked at in LA. The dude could cook a steak better than Jesus's personal chef.
-two grilled, Elgin hot sausages with sauce from Ruby's BBQ in Austin
-a basket of In-N-Out fries, well done.
-a Neptunian Landscape from the Magnolia Cafe in Austin (it's this potato thing they serve there; hard to explain, but it's totally wicked, trust me)
-Several bottles of Dublin Dr. Pepper.
How about you, kids? What's your farewell meal? Everybody share, and then for the rest of the day we'll all be united in the thoughts of our own eventual deaths! Hooray for bumming ourselves out!!!
Kind of creepy, right? But also... curious. I've read the whole list and, well, let's just say it beats the pants off a John Grisham novel. Now, yes, I know that it's morbid to the max; these guys are dead, after all, and they got that way by doing terrible things to people in a place that, in turn, did terrible things to them (back home, we call that the Circle of Life). Still, though, to read a list of what a doomed man requested to be his final bites of food on this planet, particularly when said man is an unquestionably bad person who's death is preceded only by more death at his own hands... shit, you can't beat that for inherent drama and emotional impact. Oh, don't look at me like that... this is found gold for a person like me (trivia-obsessed, an appreciater of all things unpleasant, incredibly handsome) and I won't apologize for it.
And, honestly, I think once you start reading their requests, coupled with the links to their rap sheets, you'll be just as hooked as I was. Or maybe I'm just weird.
Whatever, here are some things to look for...
-I urge someone to count up all the requests for double-meat cheeseburgers.
-There's a weird patch during the late-80's, early-90's where a ton of "declined last meal" notices pop up. What was going on around that time that caused this mass refusal of pre-execution chow?
-For some reason, even though I get what they're trying to do, I'm really irritated by the inmates that request for their last meal things like, "God's saving grace, love, truth, peace and freedom" or, "Justice, Temperance, with Mercy." Fuck you, guy who suddenly found religion after killing a bunch of people. Either decline the food or have a steak and be done with. Don't gotta get all showy with the I-have-a-pointiness. To be fair, though, there is one on here that says, "asked that final meal be provided to a homeless person," which is acceptable only because it doesn't appear that the inmate went and made a big, hairy deal about his altruistic gesture.
-All requests for alcohol are denied. BOOOOOO!!!!
-My favorites (yes, I have favorite Death Row last meal requests; you don't?) are the totally left field, bizarro ones. Stuff like: "Yogurt" or "Cool Whip and cherries" or "One flour tortilla and water" or "1 bag of assorted Jolly Ranchers." These things must have some sort of special significance, otherwise... really? Why the hell would you want Jolly Ranchers to be your last meal. Not for nothing, but Jolly Ranchers are gross.
Anyway, once you've absorbed all the info that this list has to offer, you're going to inevitably find yourself staring down the barrel of a loaded gun known as The Big Question, and that Big Question is, of course, this:
What would I have for my last meal?
As you can imagine, I've thought looooong and hard about this. Because I'm a gigantic fat ass who loves food so much that food has gotten creeped out and blocked my phone number, I've had a hard time coming up with just one meal that would be suitable as my last stop before the big empty. Finally, though, after much soul searching and many conversations with my stomach (it sounds a lot like Jon Lovitz, oddly enough), here's what I've come up with...
-6 buffalo wings, medium spicy (I want to be able to taste everything else), with bleu cheese dressing.
-a 14oz ribeye steak, medium rare, prepared by this guy I used to know named Cesar who was a line-cook at the Outback I worked at in LA. The dude could cook a steak better than Jesus's personal chef.
-two grilled, Elgin hot sausages with sauce from Ruby's BBQ in Austin
-a basket of In-N-Out fries, well done.
-a Neptunian Landscape from the Magnolia Cafe in Austin (it's this potato thing they serve there; hard to explain, but it's totally wicked, trust me)
-Several bottles of Dublin Dr. Pepper.
How about you, kids? What's your farewell meal? Everybody share, and then for the rest of the day we'll all be united in the thoughts of our own eventual deaths! Hooray for bumming ourselves out!!!
posted by Clinton at 8:47 AM
13 Comments:
my last meal would have to inlcude mcDonalds chicken mcNuggets. i know that's horrible, but it's the truth. with sweet & sour sauce.
Breakfast food all the way: French toast, pancakes, scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, sausage patties, shredded cheese and flour tortillas (for making breakfast tacos), strawberries, clementines, grapes, a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, and water, milk, and OJ.
And a slice of cheesecake to finish.
Yum!
omg these are making me so hungry that I'm changing my answer. I was going to say one Loneliest Sandwich because I'd want the guilt of me eating a Loneliest Sandwich for my last meal to haunt my executioner dudes like Billy Bob Thornton in that movie and stuff but now I've changed my mind. I'd like the spicy eggs benedict with sweet potato hash from the South Congress Cafe is Austin ("Austin, Tx! Our Food Makes Great Last Meals!") with a bottle of any ole bordeaux from France, and also a red burrito from Naugles (shut up that Naugles has been out of business for eleventy years, it's my last meal, fucker), and a grape soda and some pickles from Market in St. Helena and finally a nice braised lamb shank on white beans with some crusty bread to sop up all the lamb juice and some very, very rich butter to slather all over said bread and juice. Oh my fuck I'm hungry. Oh and some Cheerios because I fucking love Cheerios.
I have to go with Frank's answer "Heaping portion of lettuce, a sliced tomato, a sliced cucumber, four celery stalks, four sticks of American or Cheddar cheese, two bananas and two cold half pints of milk. Asked that all vegetables be washed prior to serving. Also asked that the cheese sticks be clean."
Black-eyed peas.
Fascinating. I am amused by the people who requested six sodas; I wonder if they pee themselves upon execution.
My last meal? Mom's biscuits and gravy, no doubt.
Homemade mac and cheese. No question.
..unless they'd let me have one of those naked chicks with sushi all over her.
Screw it, if I'm gonna be dead tomorrow then I'm gonna order both.
Damn, now I'm hungry.
A grilled-cheese sandwich, cream of tomato soup, pulled pork BBQ, chocolate shake, a slice of cherry pie, and a handful of maple sugar cotton candy.
in the 80's there was probably a a rumor started by the non desth row inmates that the last meal was poison and the way they exacuted you, but if you skip it you get to live. That and the alfonso riberio died while break dancing rumor were HUGE around the Texas penal system.
Chipotle. And brunch.
(I think the guy picked a bag of jolly ranchers because it would take FOREVER to eat an entire bag of jolly ranchers. He probably got an extra 2 days!)
A Never Ending Gobstopper
Jesus had a personal chef? =O
And, a suggestion... why don't you order the maximum spicy wings and eat them last? You'll be able to taste everything else and your mouth might just hurt so much that you'll be completely distracted from the whole dying thing.
As for me... definitely the tortilla pizza my mom used to make for me when I was a little bugger. Good stuff. Plus some beef broccoli from my favorite el-cheapo Chinese joint in Brooklyn. And some milk and cookies.
Yum! You know what would be fun? A dinner party where we made everyone's last meal choice for them.
-Phoenix
I love this post so much I had to blog about it on my own blog. I was so sucked into that site -it reminded me of how much I adore findadeath.com, which is equally addictive.
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