Lights In The Sky Over Texas

In the past week, there have been dozens of UFO sightings in and around the small town of Stephenville, which is located squarely in the hill country of... (sigh)... Texas. Naturally. And, just to bring this into my own backyard, so to speak, I've got family that used to live in that town; my cousin Jack, specifically, whose sanity I can personally vouch for. Not that it matters, of course. Because all people from Texas are automatically crazy!!! And racist. And they beat their wives in the kitchens of their government-subsidised housing because they forgot to hitch up the horses before the Mexicans fought us at the Alamo. Or some such. Anyway, before we get into this, let me offer up to you some choice quotes from the article, just to set the mood. Please note that all three quotes nicely cover the trifecta of Texan stereotypes:

We're Religious Nuts

"People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times..."

We Often Kill Things

"You hear about big bass or big buck in the area, but this is a different deal..."

We're Unfamiliar With Logic, But It's Okay Because We're Also Stubborn:

"I didn't see a flying saucer and I don't know what it was, but it wasn't an airplane, and I've never seen anything like it. I think it must be some kind of military craft — at least I hope it was."

Mmmm... that's good cultural stereotyping by a large, media conglomerate. Particularly the last one, because you know it took the reporter hours to find just the right senile old coot sitting out front of a feed store to deliver that Gordian knot of a quote, which was most likely said through a mouth full of "tabackey."

Which brings me to the main issue at hand; well, two issues, actually... Texas, why do you always make yourself look stupid when the press shows up? And Press, why do you only seek out those in my state who are shy a few teeth, stopped going to school in the 7th grade because it was "horseshit," and live out on the back forty of some relative's property in an poorly ventilated trailer that's tilting to the left because it once got kicked by a mule? Why, I ask you... why? Look, whatever the reasons, I think that I can help mediate this divide, much like Jimmy Carter does when he's not writing poetry about peanuts (having free time and a blog are pretty much the same things as having a presidency under your belt, right?). I believe I'm going to address both of you separately. It's clear you can't be in the same room together without the idea of the Texas Redneck Games somehow being brought up for an "on the record" discussion, so I think it'd be for the best. Texas, let's start with you...

Texas

Okay, My Home State, I'm going to be straight with you. I owe you that much. See, here's the thing... everyone thinks you're an idiot. I know, I know... it hurts to hear it, but it's true. It all started with Kennedy getting killed within your borders and, well, it just kind of went downhill from there. Not helping matters... Bush. The current Commander in Chief, not the annoying band with the handsome lead singer. What? No, just because I think Gavin Rossdale is attractive doesn't mean that I'm gay. See, Texas, this is the problem... you're too quick to judge, too quick to proclaim your opinion and, again... honesty... you don't always think things out before you do so. Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you should change your entire way of thinking; that would be a task worthy of Sisyphus and... Sisyphus... it's Greek mythology... guy pushing a boulder... look, not the point. The point is, I don't, and the nation doesn't, expect you to change. What I *do* expect from you is this: Find better representatives to speak to the Press. You know how you've got colleges in some of your cities? Yes, those places with all the "purty wimmen." Well, some of those "purty wimmen" go to classes that are taught by professors. Smart professors... you see where I'm going with this? No, you shouldn't go punch the professors in the face. You're killing me, Smalls. Oh, I see you got that reference... Greek myths, no. Sandlot, yes. Fine, whatever, the point is... get the professors to do the talking for you. They've studied books, they talk to people all the time, they're you're go-to guys now. They'll make you, and by proxy all of your natives, appear to the world at large as a community of thriving, intelligent beings. Who occasionally see UFOs. Like I said, we can't fix everything. It's all about damage control.

Okay, Press... your turn...

Press

Look, I know you went to Yale and I know you've got sharp glasses that make it seem like you just broke the Watergate scandal, but let me point something out to you, Mr. Quasi-Bob-Woodward... you're covering the "News of the Weird" beat in Stephenville, Texas. Not exactly the White House briefing room, is it? So why don't we drop the high-faluten' attitude and not immediately zoom in on the one yokel in a Big Dog t-shirt who's standing around scratching his butt with one hand while misspelling his name on welfare checks with the other. I'm not naive... I know that Texas has more than it's fair share of dumbshits amongst it's population and, yes, I know that your Ivy League education and posh upbringing makes you infinitely superior to all of them. But c'mon, Texas has enough problems without you selecting Bubba or Joe Mack or Ray Ed as the sole representative of the state. I know it may seem like just an article about UFOs, but that's actually the problem... people read these sorts of things much more than they do pieces about tax reform or any sort of in-house governing. And, as that's the case, the only image the nation gets of we Texans on a regular basis involve people taking about "the end times" like it was an upcoming bank holiday. There's more to us than that, so please... lay off our state's goobers for a little while. Texas has agreed to letting some of it's professors from the colleges do the talking from now on, so be on the look out for them. They'll be the ones who speak in whole sentences and smell like they've heard of soap. Just say no to the people unironically wearing trucker hats. They know not what they say.

Okay, well I think we've done some good here. Fingers crossed, Texas! You're going to be a well-respected member of the USA in no time. And don't forget to keep watching the skies. Next time you see something, we'll be ready for 'em. The Press, I mean.