How I Waste My Talents

I don't mean to brag, but I'm ridiculously talented. In many areas, understand... I'm not just, say, a master of the art of ice sculpting (though make no mistake, I could carve from a single block of ice a sculpture of the monster from Alien that is so life-like, you'd shit yourself twice and then die from a blown brain). No, my talents range across a broad spectrum of skills and in each individual area, there is no better than I. Sadly, though, and as you may have gathered from the title of this post, I've let all of these talents (these many talents) go to waste. Let's go through them one by one; let me show you how I'm depriving the world of it's greatest natural resource: Me.

How I Waste My Talents: A Tragic List

My Ability To Dance - Though you wouldn't think it by looking at me, I move with the grace of a lithe, 20-year-old girl made entirely of liquid mercury that's had a lifetime of training at the hands of a Nureyev, or a Nijinsky, or a Hammer. It's true; you know that Savion Glover guy who does all the tap dancing? Yeah, he got all his moves from me. In fact, it was me who said, "Hey Savion, with all those moves I taught you, you're certainly bringin' in the funk, as well as bringin' in the noise." The rest is Broadway history. And while he's gone on to fame and fortune (or as much fame and fortune as one can get by tap-dancing, which, granted, isn't just a whole lot), I've let my talents lie fallow, content to only use my shocking flexibility and sure sense of footwork to carry me back and forth between the couch and the fridge. No one's ever looked smoother while getting a beer, but that's cold comfort when you consider that I should be performing modern jazz routines for royalty.

My Ability To Draw - I used to date an artist and, as I think we all know, artists only date other people who have comparable or (in my case) amazingly superior talent artistic abilities. Need further proof? Well, then... here's the best picture you've ever seen of a fat assed skeleton wearing a top hat and holding aloft a bowl of guacamole:

I know, right? Simply amazing. And yet, I've never even attempted to get my work displayed in an ultra-hip SoHo gallery, or even in the Louvre. It's a shame, really, because my artwork has the power to cure cancer and, on two separate occasions, entirely heal bullet wounds.

My Ability To Write - Currently on my laptop, I've got a play that's about 3/4ths of the way done. To put it mildly, it's the best play ever written and, were it actually to be produced, it would make Shakespeare's immortal classic, Hamlet, look like a bucket of diarrhea. But I avoid working on it. I read it and re-read it, basking in it's glory, but I stubbornly refuse to tack on the ending that would make it whole and solidify it's place in history as not only the greatest achievement in ever in the realm of theater, but as the greatest thing ever. Why do I do this? Hm... dunno... probably because The Discovery Channel show's a lot of Mythbusters and those guys blow shit up amazingly well. (I'll give you a taste, though: The play's about me and how I'm awesome; it's four hours long, has twenty musical numbers, and more explicit nudity than your average Shannon Tweed film)

My Ability To Sing - If you're ever in a karaoke bar in the East Village and you hear a clear, strong voice penetrating the night with one of Journey's greatest hits, yeah, that would be me. You'll think to yourself, "Why, that man should be selling out large, domed amphitheaters and headlining tours for popular charities. He should have Grammy's raining down upon him, that handsome, pleasant-smelling man over there." Sadly, I'll never get farther than said karaoke bar. Because I'm just too lazy to play the record company's game, not to mention the fact that they won't let you record albums while lying in bed eating Cheez-Its. Because they're bastards.

My Ability To Compose Long-Winded Blog Posts That You've Already Stopped Reading - Well obviously I don't waste all my talents.