Friday, July 20, 2007

Murder Was The Case That They Gave Me

What with the presence of the SWAT Team in my neighborhood and all, my mind has naturally turned to thoughts of crime.

Specifically... MURDER!!!

NOTE: Bold and italicized text, in the realm of blogging, is equal to a crescendo of organ music and crashing thunder and lightening. Just so we're clear on the mood I'm trying to set.

We've all, at one time or another, taken a long, hard look at the kitchen knives and thought, "Man, I'd really like to plunge that deep into the chest of [whomever]." Maybe your intended victim was a roommate who insisted on leaving wet towels all over the floor, which made the bathroom smell like moldy butt crack. Or maybe your killing thoughts were reserved for a co-worker (the one who uses her speaker-phone for every single call), or a friend (because he's always playing that fucking John Mayer album in the car) or perhaps even a political figure of note (because you've always admired Oswald's style). My point is, at one time or another, we've all thought about crossing that moral line and snuffing out some poor bastard's candle in as bloody and ornate a fashion as our sick minds can produce. It's the dark side of human nature.

The question, though, is how would you do it? Is a simple stabbing your cup of gory tea? Or perhaps you lean more towards the theatrical side of murder, preferring something more elaborate and Saw-ish to end your quarry's life. Whatever the case, there's a few basic forms of forced death from which all variations stem; let's take a look, shall we?

Ways To Kill: An Overview

NOTE: ZFS! does not in any way condone the act of murder. This list is written mostly in jest, and because the author caught a few minutes of a CSI episode last night and it got him to thinking. If you kill someone and try to blame it on C-dog, C-dog will kill you. Dead.

Shooting - A very popular murder method, especially if you're a rapper, but one that's fraught with problems. There's the noise issue, for one thing, and then there's the splatteriness that comes part and parcel with sending a 9mm slug through somebody's eye. Plus, what with modern forensics being what they are, there's at least a million and a half different ways to trace the bullet back to the gun and then the gun back to you. Give it a few years and they'll create a bullet that will have the ability to say, "Yeah, it was that guy over there who loaded me into a gun. It was dark, then it was loud, then it was very wet and squishy." All in all, not an advisable way to get things done, unless you're out in an area secluded enough to where no one's going see you, hear you, or notice the Jackson Pollock painting composed entirely of brain matter that you've left on that mighty Oak.

Stabbing - Messy, messy, messy. Sure, it might feel good to drag the blade of that serrated hunting knife across your victim's windpipe, but do you really want to spend the next twelve hours cleaning up all that blood? Now, yes, there's a place on a person's back where, if you stab them there juuuust right, it'll puncture a lung, killing them, and the blood loss is minimal, but... c'mon... unless you've got a lot of Black Ops training in your background, you're probably not skilled enough to pull off such a maneuver.

Poisoning - Not a bad method, but very traceable. Plus, it's kind of an "out of the frying pan, into the fire" situation as far as cleaning up gross stuff is concerned; there may not be much (if any) blood, but there's probably going to be enough vomit to float a good-sized skiff.

Drowning - If you can make it look like an accident, then you're in business. That means you really should stay away from giving your victim a pair of "cement shoes;" sure it was cool when 1920's mobsters did it, but it really makes your "he wasn't a good swimmer and I begged him not to go for a dip" alibi a lot less than airtight.

Burying Alive - You sick fuck. The concept of being buried alive totally freaks me out, like to the point where if it happens in a movie, I have to avert my eyes and mentally go to a calming place of serenity (a bar) so I don't totally lose my shit and start hyperventilating. I probably shouldn't be telling you people this because, should one of you decide to knock me off, now you know the way to do it that would be the most painful. Tell you what, if any of you end up burying me alive, you can fucking bank on getting your murderous butt haunted, hardcore. You know Poltergeist? Worse than that.

Strangulation - Doesn't require any special equipment, like a gun or shovel; isn't particularly messy (unless the guy who's neck you've got your fingers wrapped around suddenly releases his bowels); has the cathartic rush of physically, actively ending someone's life with your bare hands... I think we have a winner, here, folks. It may not be elegant and it may be unbelievably cruel, but as far as work-versus-reward is concerned, it comes out way on top.

NEXT WEEK: Disposing the body!!!

NOTE: A reminder: don't kill people. Unless they're constantly playing a John Mayer album. Then they're just asking for it.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Col. Mustard said...

What are your thoughts as to the pros/cons of bludgeoning someone? Like with a pipe. In the conservatory.

10:42 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I don't generally get urges to murder someone, but lately I've been itching to throw a good punch. And I have no clue why- I've never punched anyone except one time I accidentally punched my best friend who was, ironically, teaching me to punch.

I also hard-core slapped a girl the summer before I went to high school. I thought she was really fucking annoying, and apparently other people thought so too because when I got to high school, I was a legend.

10:43 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

stabbing with an icicle...evidence melts clean away!
not that i know from experience or anything.

10:59 AM  
Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

I thought of a funny line 'Banjo' could use.

"Hey C-Dog, what about boring someone to death? Because you might just be responsible right now for over 100 murders."

I do not think this was a boring post, but if I was banjo that is what I would say.

11:03 AM  
Blogger stewpid said...

How about bludgeoning them with a frozen Snickers? I bet you could do some real damage with a rock-hard Snickers, and then when you were done, I bet you'd be ready for a Snickers. Bye-bye, evidence! Hello, yummy snack!

11:16 AM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

Stewipd: if it was a Snickers Xtreme, it might hurt even worse. No nougat to soften the blow! More peanuts for bringin' the pain! As it were.

I have one question, C-Dog my boy. Is burying someone alive acceptable when they play Nickelback and Evanesence in their cubicle all day...loud enough for me to hear it...with a fucking subwoofer (who needs a subwoofer on a work computer?) turned on?

Cause. Man. I think it is.

11:24 AM  
Anonymous El Boring Boringson said...

I have the death sentence on 12 systems for boring people to death.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Col. Mustard... For of a candlestick in the Library man, myself.

BrookLyn... Dunno, you seem pretty hardcore. I want you watching my back in a bar fight.

Colleen... Excellent. John McLaine totally killed a guy like that in Die Hard 2.

Midwesterner... Ya know, now that you mention it, Banjo's been strangely quiet. I think she finally got tired of my awesomeness.

Stewpid... A muderous snack, no less.

Moxie... Not a court in the world would convict you. Where do you work, Annoying Peoples Inc.?

El Boring... ZZZZZZZZZZ...

11:57 AM  
Blogger stewpid said...

I think it would have to be a Snickers just plain Snickers because when you eat a frozen Snickers, the nougat is the hardest part to gnaw through, thus providing the heartiest blows to the intended victim. Also, if you do it with an Xtreeeeme Snickers, they're going to catch you in two seconds because all they have to do is go to the bodega on the corner and go, "did anyone buy an Xtreme Snickers?" and the clerk will go, "yeah, three skateboard punks with green mohawks, one Japanese albino snowboarding rock star and this just normal not extreme guy who lives in the third apartment building on the left over there who looked totally pissed off, almost like he was going to kill someone. I snapped his picture just in case. Here."

12:01 PM  
Blogger Midwestern Gal said...

You could force them to eat Baconators until they exploded ala the movie SEVEN...but then again, that would be messy.

I'd just go with a cynide capsule in the drink.

And for the record col. mustard, I believe you killed the motorist in the library with the wrench...just saying!!

12:07 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

No worries, C-dog. I got your back, and I can totally throw down when necessary.

12:30 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Green said...

Midwestern Gal... I told you I didn't do it!

1:01 PM  
Blogger Katie. said...

I'm all about poisoning. Especially over a long period of time, since some poisons (arsenic comes to mind--it takes a whole lot of arsenic to kill someone) require a great deal of finesse. If administered slowly, the poison can often elude toxicology screens (there are also some poisons that are undetectable on a tox screen).

Personally, I would use a common household product for a poisoning. Doesn't take much Drano to kill someone and it'd be much harder to trace than cyanide, or any other hard-to-find poison.

(When I was twelve, I decided that I wanted to be a coroner when I grew up. I had gotten a book from the library called "Cause of Death: A Writer's Guide to Death, Murder and Forensic Medicine," which is the coolest how-to-write book that I've ever read.)

Even though poison is the most common form of murder for women murderesses, it's possible to make a poisoning appear as though it's a heart attack, which confuses EMT's/paramedics long enough to let the poison work it's way through the victim's bloodstream entirely undetected. By the time the victim makes it to autopsy, the poison would have completely disappeared from the body.

HYPOTHETICALLY, of course.

1:33 PM  
Blogger Midwestern Gal said...

mr. green

Don't worry, Communism is just a red herring.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

How about:

- A heroin overdose. You could get someone drunk and shoot them up. That way when the cops come, you look like a valiant hero who tried to save the person who accidentally died their first time trying horse.

- Good ol' fashioned suffocation with a pillow.

- A bite from a poisonous snake could work to an be less traceable. Just take someone hiking.

Not that I have done any of these things, or would do 'em.

1:54 PM  
Blogger Katie. said...

big daddy--

Drug OD's are incredibly difficult to orchestrate because the autopsy will reveal how the needle was positioned when it entered the victim's body. To make it look like someone accidentally OD'ed, you'd have to position yourself directly behind them to make it look like they administered the heroin themselves.

If you asphyxiate someone with a pillow, just be sure to burn all of the evidence. Even after being cleaned, the pillow case could still hold trace evidence of the crime.

In fact, burning all evidence is the best way to mask a murder (as long as you remember to completely dispose of the ash, as well, because leaving the ash behind is just STUPID and has brought many a murderer down).

But I like the snake venom idea. Also hard to orchestrate, I would imagine, but it's definitely creative.

2:15 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

what's up with murderers being so stupid? On The First 48 the other day, they caught some guy because he stuck the knife -- with blood ON it -- between his mattress and box spring. That's where cops are going to look first, if only to see what porn you're hiding from your mom. But seriously, people, dispose of the evidence that totally proves you did it. I'm looking at you, OJ Simpson.

2:19 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Good to know.

Thanks!

2:49 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

the first 48!!

and, you might need to bump up next week's murder post. it's pretty hot here - if you know what i mean.

and, i now work with a clinton whom i am always almost calling c-dog - but don't worry, there's only one!

3:20 PM  

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