Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Movie Poster A Go-Go: The Ninth

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (En Espanol)

"Ha ha, it's funny when two straight guys pretend to be queers. Ha!!! LAUGH!!!" Please. The only way this movie will earn my dollars is if, in the end, they realize they really are gay for each other and then have a long, hard-R sex scene in a tent like in Brokeback Mountain. Not that I have any desire to see Kevin James' lumpy butt glistening with sweat as it rises in mid-thrust; I just think that that would be a particularly progressive and positive way to end a movie that appears to basically be the homosexual version of Soul Man. Anyway, I love how they've got Kevin James making that weird, scream-y face in all the posters for this. I think we're supposed to infer from his expression that this movie is "wacky."

The Comebacks

And so we move on from gay-baiting and into the realm of objectifying women. For shame, Hollywood! That being said, I'd like to hang this poster over my bed and pretend I'm thirteen again. There's just something about a girl-butt in tight athletic pants that make me so happy to be alive and in possession of a penis. Too bad this movie will probably suck, whatever it's about (football, I guess). But really, who cares? Girl-butt!!!!

Across The Universe

Making a movie-musical where all the songs are from The Beatles catalogue is, in theory, a brilliant idea on par with the combining of tequila and Sunny D. But, much like the actual application of combining tequila and Sunny D, it ends up being something that tastes good at first, but then leaves you curled up in a ball on your bathroom floor covered in bright yellow vomit. Mostly though, I think I'm just bothered by the fact that they named the lead character Jude, just so they can have someone sing "Hey Jude" to him at a really poignant moment. For some reason that makes me want to smash my copy of Abbey Road and use the resulting shards to slash my wrists. Oh, and the poster is just kind of... there. Not bad, not good, not anything.



Look, Rob Zombie, just because you can remake something, it doesn't mean you should. The thing that bothers me most about this whole thing? He's got Michael Myers sporting long hair. Because, apparently in Mr. Zombie's "re-imagining" of the Halloween mythos, Michael Myers is a roadie for Metallica. That is a lovely collage, though; I'll give the poster that. It's nice to see that they've got a really talented sixteen year-old girl on their art department staff.


Second in a series entitled, "Normal Things That Form A Spooky Face."

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

I don't like to casually throw around the phrase, "like rape, but for your eyes," but when it fits, it fits. I mean... Jesus... I've accidentally scratched my cornea with a car key and that was less painful than looking at this poster for more than a few seconds. I mean, they've made Natalie Portman, one of the most beautiful women in the world, look like a Down's Syndrome version of Audrey Hepburn. Inexcusable, and I hope the people who created this poster will one day be captured and put on trial at The Hauge for their crimes against humanity.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This makes me feel like my eyes have just been raped."

Um, can I borrow this? Because that phrase if fucking brilliant and so applicable to my line of work.

I promise, I'll cite you in the footnotes.


10:55 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

You know what is even more wacky than straight guys pretending to be gay? If one of those straight guys would just wear a dress, that would slay audiences everywhere.

Also, for shame, Rob Zombie.

Also, Shrooms? I'm intrigued.

11:00 AM  
Blogger stewpid said...

1. Kevin James a top? Really?

2. Is that a girl in the football pants? Really?

3. You guys wanna come over to my house for shrooms this afternoon? Really?

11:09 AM  
Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

Speaking of Soul Man

Remember when James Earl Jones asked if anyone in his law clase knew the 'precedent' and Mark Watson (C Thomas Howell)responded "The precedent? The President is ..... Ronald Reagan"


11:12 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

shrooms, yes.

also, across the universe looks good. who's with me? i am such a sucker.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Braden said...

Watching the trailer for Across the Universe makes me cringe. What if they'd put all that effort into something worthwhile?

I predict swarms of freshman drama majors bugging the living crap out of their undeclared roommates.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Adam Sandler peaked in Happy Gilmore.

He should just retire.

Kevin James actually did some pretty good stand-up back in the day.

I actually kind of want to see Shrooms.

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

I agreed with Stewpid - I don't see Kevin James as a top either. Then again, I'd kind of rather not think about it. At all. Ever.

Also, while girls + tight clothing usually = hotness, those football pants are not really too flattering in the tight clothing department. It makes her look like she has one wide buttock. Not a good luck.

I caught the trailer for Across the Universe on a DVD rental and I think it looks interesting too. I'll probably rent it eventually. I'm a sucker for those kinds of movies.

1:39 PM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

It's not a good look either. Stupid words.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

like rape, but for your eyes

Seriously the most hysterical thing I've read in a long while.

1:52 PM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

i hate to admit it, but when i saw the preview for across the universe in the theatres the other day, i got a little excited. and by a little excited, i mean...okay. yeah. i wanna see it.

2:07 PM  
Blogger d said...

i think what we can infer from the comments is 'across the uni' = chickflick.

despite the horribleness of the poster, i will go see 'mr magorium's wonder emporium'. the title makes me think it's about a sex shop that also sells drugs. which would be awesome. the poster makes me think this is, unfortunately, not the case.

i will only go see 'shrooms' if it's like 'attack of the killer tomatoes' because there just aren't enough movies about nuclear vegetation.

if it's not about that, don't ruin it for me, for i will make it up in my head.

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Bill From Gainesville said...

The Kevin James / Adam Sandler movie is just like Jerry Maguire to me, only a little different. in Jerry Maguire, Cruise had her at Hello. The Movie Chuck and Larry had me at the Preview Clip in which Jessica Biel is practically naked. My money is already spent cause of that, and no amount of badmouthing on a blog is going to change my mind.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

hear hear!

INPYCAL is lame. Also too long of a title.


2:54 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I'm really appreciating the double entendres used in the poster captions.

Picture: girl's butt bent over in tight pants
Caption: Keep your eye on the ball

Title: Shrooms
Caption: Get Ready to Get Wasted

3:02 PM  
Anonymous Just Me said...

Maybe you should write a script about two gay football players that are trying to make a comeback, you could put gratuitous cum on the back shots if you want. On Halloween night after a day of shrooms (purchased from Mr Mago’s Emporium) and debauchery with the lesbian cheerleaders one of them turns out to be an alien from across the Universe who really isn’t gay but since all humans look alike to him he thought his partner was a woman until he saw Jessica Biel naked. That way it can be all rolled into one movie and we wouldn’t have to waste our money on so many.

3:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you really think that "Natalie Portman is one of the most beautiful women in the world" - maybe you should get your eyes checked.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Gal Gotham... It's all yours. But I better see those footnotes. And refer to me in them as "C-dog The Awesome."

Colleen... I just hope the pretend to kiss, but actually don't. Hijinks!

Stewpid... Yes, yes, and I'm already there.

Midwesterner... Did you know he wasn't really a black guy? I couldn't tell.

Blythe... Oh, I'm still going to see it. I just think I'm going to be irritated by it. Just a hunch.

Braden... It's the RENT of '07.

Big Daddy... I like Kevin James a lot, actually. King of Queens is quite funny.

Giggleloop... One wide buttock beats NO buttocks. Think about it.

Todd... My gift to you.

Moxie... Yeah, yeah.It looks very pretty, I'll give it that.

D... The mushrooms eat people. S'true.

Bill... Nope. Can't support this movie. Not even for Jessica Beil. Though I would like to see her as naked as possible.

Jew... I thank Jew for Jew-our support.

BrookLyn Gal... PUNS!!!

Just Me... That'd be totally awesome of hollywood, agreed.

Anonymous... Um, no, because she is. Not all of us are into chicks who look like Pamela Anderson.

4:50 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

Just for the record, I could have been into chicks who look like Pamela Anderson until I saw Rock of Love or whatever it's called and now blonde sluts with genital diseases and giant fake hooters? Not so much. Which will be great news to my parents.

I bet Natalie Portman looks even better when you're on shrooms. Let's find out.

6:48 PM  

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