Movie Poster A Go-Go: The Ninth

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (En Espanol)



"Ha ha, it's funny when two straight guys pretend to be queers. Ha!!! LAUGH!!!" Please. The only way this movie will earn my dollars is if, in the end, they realize they really are gay for each other and then have a long, hard-R sex scene in a tent like in Brokeback Mountain. Not that I have any desire to see Kevin James' lumpy butt glistening with sweat as it rises in mid-thrust; I just think that that would be a particularly progressive and positive way to end a movie that appears to basically be the homosexual version of Soul Man. Anyway, I love how they've got Kevin James making that weird, scream-y face in all the posters for this. I think we're supposed to infer from his expression that this movie is "wacky."

The Comebacks



And so we move on from gay-baiting and into the realm of objectifying women. For shame, Hollywood! That being said, I'd like to hang this poster over my bed and pretend I'm thirteen again. There's just something about a girl-butt in tight athletic pants that make me so happy to be alive and in possession of a penis. Too bad this movie will probably suck, whatever it's about (football, I guess). But really, who cares? Girl-butt!!!!

Across The Universe



Making a movie-musical where all the songs are from The Beatles catalogue is, in theory, a brilliant idea on par with the combining of tequila and Sunny D. But, much like the actual application of combining tequila and Sunny D, it ends up being something that tastes good at first, but then leaves you curled up in a ball on your bathroom floor covered in bright yellow vomit. Mostly though, I think I'm just bothered by the fact that they named the lead character Jude, just so they can have someone sing "Hey Jude" to him at a really poignant moment. For some reason that makes me want to smash my copy of Abbey Road and use the resulting shards to slash my wrists. Oh, and the poster is just kind of... there. Not bad, not good, not anything.

Halloween



(Sigh)

Look, Rob Zombie, just because you can remake something, it doesn't mean you should. The thing that bothers me most about this whole thing? He's got Michael Myers sporting long hair. Because, apparently in Mr. Zombie's "re-imagining" of the Halloween mythos, Michael Myers is a roadie for Metallica. That is a lovely collage, though; I'll give the poster that. It's nice to see that they've got a really talented sixteen year-old girl on their art department staff.

Shrooms



Second in a series entitled, "Normal Things That Form A Spooky Face."

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium



I don't like to casually throw around the phrase, "like rape, but for your eyes," but when it fits, it fits. I mean... Jesus... I've accidentally scratched my cornea with a car key and that was less painful than looking at this poster for more than a few seconds. I mean, they've made Natalie Portman, one of the most beautiful women in the world, look like a Down's Syndrome version of Audrey Hepburn. Inexcusable, and I hope the people who created this poster will one day be captured and put on trial at The Hauge for their crimes against humanity.