Flavors Of Love

Sour Cream and Onion - A mellow, flavorful kind of love. Smooth and creamy, with just a hint of wow; you'll have very few arguments, but in the bedroom, things will be just kinky enough to keep it interesting. Be warned though: This kind of love will give you absolutely rank breath. Keep handy the Tic-Tacs, for reals.

Original - Yawn. If you like being in love with IRS employees or people who work at the pork fat rendering plant, then by all means, sample the Original-style love. You've got a lifetime of Law and Order reruns and tuna-noodle bake in your future. Hope you brought a book.

BBQ - Oh yeah! A greasy, orange residue-y kind of love. You'll constantly find yourself wiping your hands on your shorts and you absolutely will not care. If you're going to undertake a BBQ love, though, be prepared to wear a cowboy hat; the dress code is strictly enforced and also delicious.

Salt & Vinegar - Do you like sass? Do you like sass in abundance? Because a Salt & Vinegar love is a love filled with zingers, barbs, and tiny cuts on the inside of your mouth that burn like a motherfucker... and yet you'll continue to cram fistful after fistful of this love into your gaping, puckered maw. Because you won't be able to absorb and process in your soul the love of just one.

Prawn - Hey man, if that's the way you bend, then knock yourself out. Just make sure you check her "expiration date," if you known what I mean. Some of these chips are sold a little too fresh for legal comfort.

Cool Ranch - Oh, so you're like that, are you? Well, good for you. Hey, it's not my thing, but who am I to tell another person how they should love. I just hope you're aware of the consequences... What's that? You mean you, a Cool Ranch lover of such cavalier standards aren't aware of the consequences of your forbidden, stinky love? Look my friend... it's for you to figure out. I will say these three words to you, though; a warning if you will: Cool Ranch farts. Now extrapolate that concept into a relationship setting and get yourself comfortable with many, many nights sleeping in the bathtub under a hot blanket of seething, intestinal discomfort-fueled rage.

Flamin' Hot - Not so much a state of love as it is an act of mutual combustion. Sexy, sexy, mutual combustion. Of all the Flavors Of Love, this one most involves "the nads."

Ketchup - Gross, dude.

Nacho Cheese - This is the kind of love that's always going to be there. It's a "curl up and watch a movie, comfortably snacking and just enjoying the pleasure of each other's company" kind of love. There is, however, a tendency to consume so much Nacho Cheese love that you get sick of it; that you even consider switching to another flavor for a little while. Perhaps something with a little spice and heat, like a Salsa or a Jalapeno. Do it if you must, but know that your Nacho Cheese love will be there when you get home, it's bag wide open, ready to take you back as if nothing ever happened. Because that's, in a nutshell, the essence of Nacho Cheese love; accepting, full of understanding, and crispy, crunchy with the ability to really "get" you.