Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Flavors Of Love

Sour Cream and Onion - A mellow, flavorful kind of love. Smooth and creamy, with just a hint of wow; you'll have very few arguments, but in the bedroom, things will be just kinky enough to keep it interesting. Be warned though: This kind of love will give you absolutely rank breath. Keep handy the Tic-Tacs, for reals.

Original - Yawn. If you like being in love with IRS employees or people who work at the pork fat rendering plant, then by all means, sample the Original-style love. You've got a lifetime of Law and Order reruns and tuna-noodle bake in your future. Hope you brought a book.

BBQ - Oh yeah! A greasy, orange residue-y kind of love. You'll constantly find yourself wiping your hands on your shorts and you absolutely will not care. If you're going to undertake a BBQ love, though, be prepared to wear a cowboy hat; the dress code is strictly enforced and also delicious.

Salt & Vinegar - Do you like sass? Do you like sass in abundance? Because a Salt & Vinegar love is a love filled with zingers, barbs, and tiny cuts on the inside of your mouth that burn like a motherfucker... and yet you'll continue to cram fistful after fistful of this love into your gaping, puckered maw. Because you won't be able to absorb and process in your soul the love of just one.

Prawn - Hey man, if that's the way you bend, then knock yourself out. Just make sure you check her "expiration date," if you known what I mean. Some of these chips are sold a little too fresh for legal comfort.

Cool Ranch - Oh, so you're like that, are you? Well, good for you. Hey, it's not my thing, but who am I to tell another person how they should love. I just hope you're aware of the consequences... What's that? You mean you, a Cool Ranch lover of such cavalier standards aren't aware of the consequences of your forbidden, stinky love? Look my friend... it's for you to figure out. I will say these three words to you, though; a warning if you will: Cool Ranch farts. Now extrapolate that concept into a relationship setting and get yourself comfortable with many, many nights sleeping in the bathtub under a hot blanket of seething, intestinal discomfort-fueled rage.

Flamin' Hot - Not so much a state of love as it is an act of mutual combustion. Sexy, sexy, mutual combustion. Of all the Flavors Of Love, this one most involves "the nads."

Ketchup - Gross, dude.

Nacho Cheese - This is the kind of love that's always going to be there. It's a "curl up and watch a movie, comfortably snacking and just enjoying the pleasure of each other's company" kind of love. There is, however, a tendency to consume so much Nacho Cheese love that you get sick of it; that you even consider switching to another flavor for a little while. Perhaps something with a little spice and heat, like a Salsa or a Jalapeno. Do it if you must, but know that your Nacho Cheese love will be there when you get home, it's bag wide open, ready to take you back as if nothing ever happened. Because that's, in a nutshell, the essence of Nacho Cheese love; accepting, full of understanding, and crispy, crunchy with the ability to really "get" you.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

bbq chips = win

yes, i love sass. and salt and vinegar chips. mm. (when i saw 'do you like sass' i thought it said do you like ass. and that made so happy!)

12:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say, I've always been a fan of the Cool Ranch. I just have to make sure there's a jug of Listerine nearby for after, because yeah. *shudder* If they could invent Cool Ranch Doritos that DON'T leave nasty aftertaste in your mouth, they should be given the Nobel Prize. And by 'they', I mean me. And by 'Nobel Prize', I mean millions and millions of dollars. *nods*

8:12 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ha, I just bought a bag of col ranch last night along with some Steven Colbert AmeriCone Dream.

9:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For me it's all about Ruffles: Sour Cream and Cheddar...cause I like to mix it up like that.

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I tried that AmeriCone Dream too, Midwest. What'd you think? I thought it was just okay... I wouldn't mind trying some of Willie Nelson's peach cobbler or whatever that was. My personal fave is Half-Baked cookie dough / fudge brownie. Nummers! :)

9:44 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Moxie... Agreed. BBQ Chips were my first love and so they always shall be. Though Salt & Vinegar Chips have made some strong inroads in the last few years.

Giggleloop... Yeah, I can only do Cool Ranch every so often. They make your breath be stanky, and I'm not down with that.

Midwesterner... I haven't had the AmeriCone Dream, but I already know that I don't like waffle cones as as general rule. So I probably wouldn't dig that.

Gal Gotham... Chedder & Sour Cream is an excellent flavor, I'll give you that. Not an every day kind of chip, but good nonetheless.

Giggleloop 2... The best Ben and Jerry's flavor is Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. Word is bond.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

Brills, Clinton.

Salt & Vinegar *is* sass! I love that shit! Also, Salt & Pepper chips are pretty good too - but I think only Herr's makes those and they might not be available everywhere. I can gladly bring you some from Pennsylvania, upon request.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Sally Tomato... Yeah, those are definitely a regional chip. Don't have them down South, or at least not while I was growing up (the prime chip consumption years). I've had them since I've been living in the NE and they're okay, but not mind-blowing. Thanks for the offer, though!!!

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, No.

I think it's dorito's that has a Cracked Black Pepper chip..those are delicious. There's also a chip that's produced in North Dakota that the PEO's used to send to me & my suitemates at Cottey...they were super, super crunchy -- best BBQ & Jalapeno chips in the world.

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After eating handfuls of the stinky breath chips you should cleanse your maw with the douche chips if you don’t have any tic tacs handy.

10:46 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

it's all about kettle cooked russet potato chips. i am a snob. i also love cheetos more than britney spears.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

I'm a salt & vinegar a-salter. What about all the weirdo international flavs of love?

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Has anyone else here had those weird mystery flavor Doritos? The X13D or whatever the hell they're called? I got a bag of them and was NOT so fond. I don't know what the hell they're supposed to taste like, but to me they just tasted like ass. My friend Eric swears they taste like a McDonald's cheeseburger, complete with onions, ketchup, pickles et al. I told him he's high and gave him my bag. Maybe that was his intention all along - he's a crafty bugger.

Hmm, oatmeal cookie ice cream? Eh. Not so sure about that. I generally like my ice cream to be chocolate-y in some way, shape or form. I usually go to the super double chocolate brownie chunk heart attack end of the spectrum - or else the raspberry lemonade sherbet end. Yum. Man, where's the nearest Baskin Robbins....? *drools*

11:22 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Sour Cream and Onion just might be my one true love.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Oatmeal Cookie ice cream is the shizz.

I, too, am partial to Cheezey Poofs.

I also kind of like the Habanero Doritos, but they're almost too spicy.

12:01 PM  
Blogger d said...

what about jalapeno flavored boulder chips?

and, dear sweet baby jesus, chili cheese fritos. my god. salty, spicy, cheesy, chili-y. i could go on and on.

although, to carry the metaphor, they're a little like a blowjob from a hooker. great fun while you're in the moment, but leave you feeling a little slimy after.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Kim & Dic said...

heyyyy...my stepmom is an IRS employee...

2:01 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

im hungry.


2:29 PM  
Blogger MonkeyPants said...

Totes a salt and vinegar girl. Cool ranch - narsty!

Cheese puffs -- num!

Sour cream and cheddar -- holy crap! I loved them TOO much. Ate too much, can't eat no more.

5:12 PM  

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