Tuesday, July 10, 2007

UPDATE: Fixing The All-Star Game

UPDATE: I would just like to point out that if my idea of having the American League start off with a score of -3 had been implemented, this would have been a much different ballgame. But, since no one ever wants to listen to C-dog (The Drunken Voice of Reason), the National League has once a-fucking-gain lost the All-Star game for the tenth straight year in a row.

It was, however, a much better game than usual... I'll give it that. Though it would have been nice to hear the announcers talk about, oh, I don't know, anything other than Barry Bonds for the three-hour duration.

We get it. He's controversial, but those Giants fans sure do love him. That's just fantastic, he says, as he rolls his eyes so hard that all the canoes flip over in McCovey Cove.


NOTE: Despite the fact that I consider myself to be a baseball fan, I have a really hard time getting into the All-Star game that traditionally comes at the halfway point of the season. For those of you unfamiliar (or uninterested), the All-Star game is where the "best" players from the American and National leagues team up and square off in an exhibition match that means exactly fuck-all. Sure, the ads will try to tell you that "This One Counts," because it determines home-field advantage for the World Series but... again... that amounts to a big, steaming pile of who cares. So, with that in mind, here are my ideas for what the MLB can do to liven things up a bit and, thus, really give the viewers... the fans... something worth caring about.

Ways To Make The 2007 All-Star Game Interesting

-The American League automatically starts with a score of -3, just to make it fair.

-Sure, it goes against all the principles of the game, and, yes, it would tarnish all the player's reputations, but hey... just this once... let'em take all the steroids they want. Not only would we get to see some monster home runs, but there's a good chance we'd get to witness a player totally flip out and start chasing an umpire around with a bat.

-Make an error, remove a piece of the uniform. A-Rod should be naked by the fourth inning.

-Replace home plate with a margarita machine. Also, margarita machines in the dugouts. And one in the On-Deck Circle. Bullpens, too. You know what, lets go ahead and put a couple of margarita machines in the outfield while we're at it.

-Seventh-inning stretch? How about a seventh-inning sniper?

-1st Base: Prince Fielder. 2nd Base: Chase Utley. 3rd Base: A rotating cast of strippers.

-During the 8th inning, everyone's on a motorcycle. And there's ramps everywhere. Flaming ramps. And one motorcycle's got a bomb on it, but no one knows which one.

-Regulation baseballs are all replaced with delicious Florida oranges.

-If a fan can make it past security and actually on to the field, he gets to fistfight the player of his choice. If a player makes it past security and into the stands, he's allowed to take all the hot dogs he can carry back with him to the dugout.

-For the game's duration, All players are renamed Boof Bonser.


Anonymous David said...

As utterly boring as baseball is I would watch your version in the heart beat. Do the cheerleaders have to take off a piece of clothing when they make an error?

2:34 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I love the idea of strip baseball! Soooo hot.

Can everyone who watches the game get free margaritas? That would really sweeten the deal.

I think that when the balls are replaced by oranges, the bats should be replaced by swords. Huge, pirate style swords. Players' choice on whether to hit it with the side of the blade and actually try to hit it far, or to use the blade to slice through.

The fan who wins a fistfight should also get hotdogs. At least one.

2:49 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

Now see. IF all baseball were played this way I would totally watch every game with not only one, but TWO foam fingers.

How can we make this happen?!

2:52 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

can we just drink the margaritas and watch "Airplane!"?

2:59 PM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

So I'm THE guy that actually watches and enjoys the All-Star Game every year! I guess the kid in me enjoys see all the different uniforms and pageantry of it all. Criticize baseball if you want but i dare any of you to sit through a Pro Bowl and resist the urge throw yourself into oncoming traffic.

Good ideas though... totally down with every player changin their name to Boof Bonser with the following exceptions Hideki Okajima, Placido Polanco, and J.J. Putz. All names that are equally as fun to say!

PS- Defending All-Star game MVP?
Michael Young- SS, Texas Rangers

Give me a break, its the only thing we ahve to be proud of down here!

3:18 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

'Hey Look! It's Enrico Pallazzo!'

Five brownie points to anyone who can identify what movie that is from.

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Scott h. said...

Naked Gun... too easy!

4:28 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

I would TOTALLY start watching sports if these rules applied!


ps where have i been?!?!

4:28 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

Big Daddy:

'Hey Look! It's Enrico Pallazzo!'


I Love, Love, Love that movie!

4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every good umpire should have a dustbuster for homeplate. That Frank Drebin, so ahead of his time.

5:00 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

'Nice beaver!'


I was worried there for a moment that I was an old fogey and would be the only one who knew that reference.

5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of my favorite recent pieces of your writing. Wonderful.

5:24 PM  
Blogger d said...

i really, really HATE the poster for this year's all-star game. almost as much as i hate baseball.

5:35 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

David... Sadly, there are no cheerleaders in baseball. Though I'd gladly sign a petition if it would help make that dream a reality.

BrookLyn Gal... A margarita machine for every fan! Also, about the swords... brilliant. Wish I'd thought of that.

Lioux... Two foam fingers is the hardcoriest.

Stewpid... Of course. But after baseball.

Scott... Don't misunderstand me, even though I can't really get into the All-Star game and even though I think it's pointless, I'm STILL going to watch it. Baseball's baseball, end of the day.

Jew... I know, I've been worried sick.

Big Daddy, Lioux, Scott, Gal Gotham... Naked Gun is one of my favorite movies of all time. That part when he does all the little dances as he calls strikes... fucking kills me.

Anonymous... Aw, thanks dude. Or possibly dudette. It's so nice when Anonymous actually has positive, nice things to say.

D... Oh, totally, that poster looks like ass.

6:23 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

"is this some kind of bust?"
"well, yes, it's very impressive, but we need to ask you some questions"


7:33 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

i wish leslie nielsen were my dad. or grandpa. or whatever.

11:34 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

You just described my high-school graduation party detail by detail. That's spooky.

11:44 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I'm in your brain, Todd. I love what you've done with the place. Very stylish.

12:37 AM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

All great suggestions, especially the 8th inning one. That would be SO awesome.
In keeping with the pirate theme, what about making some/all players/umpires wear eyepatchs? That they have to switch to the opposite eye each half inning? :)

10:26 AM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

For you C-Dawg.

2:09 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ha! Excellent. Thanks dude.

2:43 PM  

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