Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Here's A Picture Of The Baconator

<--- Heed The Warning!


Discussion Questions:

-Wendy's is trying to kill us, huh?

-Even I, the unhealthiest eater in the history of the world outside of Henry the VIII and Babe Ruth, think this is taking things just a touch too far in the gluttony department. How shocked are you by this statement? Are you considering a call to the police because you think I've been murdered and replaced by a vegan? Or if not a vegan, someone who at least has a modicum of self-control when it comes to shoving hunks of meat into their face? My point is, why aren't you calling the police? Don't you care about C-dog anymore?

-A quick glance at this picture made my face break out like I was sixteen again. Anyone else get that, or am I the only one who suddenly wants to go hang out at a mall and try to get away with breaking curfew?

-Can you fucking imagine the dump you'd take after eating one of these bastards? It'd hurt coming out, for one thing... it wouldn't really be coming out sideways, but that's what it'd feel like. And then it'd more than likely smell like a slaughtered cow that had been draped with the remains of a slaughtered pig that had been slathered liberally with mayo. And when it was all said and done, you'd probably have to break the damn thing up with a stick or a sturdy coat hanger or something, just so it would flush. Horrifying. And I hope none of you were eating during this paragraph.

-Am I a horrible person for kinda sorta hating America for the Baconator?

NOTE: This only looks like a bunch of questions about a gross cheeseburger. It is, in fact, the latest version of the Bar Exam. The person with the most answers correct will automatically be licenced to practice law in New York State. The person with the fewest answers correct will have to actually eat a Baconator. Funeral costs will be handled by Wendy's Inc.


Blogger Wife said...

Ah, "break the damn thing up with a stick" brings back memories... of back when Husband and I were first living together and he used to say that all the time... before I made him stop. Much like the kid in the drug ads, he learned it by watching you!

Mark your calendar! We will be in NYC from November 17-20. Maybe we can grab a Baconator or something.

3:14 AM  
Blogger lioux said...

Isn't this the burger that comes with a free defibrillator?!

8:59 AM  
Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

Wow. What happened to the big push for fast food resturants to get 'healthy'.

I love Wendy's though. I could go for a Frosty right now.

9:12 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Wife... Now see, you're undoing all the hard work I put forth into turning Husband into a slimmer, smarter version of myself. Damn you and your Wifely ways!!! Cool that you guys are coming here, though. Just 'cause, or is there a specific reason for the trip (besides to bask in my glory, of course)?

Lioux... Yeah. And, for a quarter more, they'll give you a quadruple bypass in the alley behind the restaurant. Guarenteed "Kinda Sterile!"

Midwesterner... See, I'm like the only person on the planet who never got behind the whole Frosty concept. Maybe it's because I'm just not that big a fan of chocolate ice cream, but... they always just left me cold (pun so fucking intended). I was always more of a Blizzard man, myself.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Alienwhere said...

I was at Wendy's just yesterday, considering something that wasn't going to send my heart into its death rattle, when I first laid eyes on the Baconator.

It frightened me so much, I had to avert my eyes and mutter prayers in Latin under my breath.

And I love bacon. So, yeah, I think lines have been crossed here.

9:39 AM  
Anonymous David said...

They killed Dave, why not us.
I am not shocked by your statement. Your ego knows no bounds to compare yourself the Henry the VIII. I did consider briefly calling the police and asking them to bring a straight jacket, as your delusions of grandeur have put you in dangerous position. If I did I know some stupid judge would let you out after a few hours and you would be right back getting Chinese burritos and other unhealthy food items from Wendy’s and whatever other feeding troughs you frequent.
I think you must never have gotten past sixteen in the first place as you have a habit of talking about poop, or maybe you are a monkey.
No you are not a hater just a poor teen trapped in a large mans body.

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

There may not be a better, albeit unhealthy, snack than dipping your .99 Biggie fries into your .99 Small Frosty. Makes me wish I was 12 again and had the metabolism to mix greasy fried food and fattening frozen dairy treats!

10:22 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Alienwhere... Yeah, see, I love bacon too. A lot. But this... this is an abomination.

David... Uh, what? Were you gunning for me up there, or was that just you kiddin' around? Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet.

Scott... Okay, you've got me there. The few times that I've tried the fries-in-Frosty trick, it's been a rousing success.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

It would be cool if a fast-food restaurant could come up with a burger that had 5 different dead animals in it! The possibilities are endless: duck, pig, frog leg, beetle, quail, venison, elk, horse, alligator, dog...the list is endless!

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I think that, minus the mayo this kind of looks good (especially after downing pint after pint of beer last night) does that make me a bad person?

I always order a bacon double cheeseburger at Burger King, so it kind of translates.

On that note, have you seen that monstrousity SUBWAY is now advertising? Whatever happened to JARED??

11:28 AM  
Blogger The [Cherry] Ride said...

Maybe its because I'm on some weird fast/restricted diet, but I took one look at the Baconator and wanted to dive right in.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Mr. Shain said...

i saw the warning sign and thought this was going to be about blythe. then i saw the bacon burger and realized it was about blythe.

12:19 PM  
Blogger MonkeyPants said...


Hardees/Carl's Jr. also wants (wanted? maybe burger is no more?) America dead with their "Monster Thick Burger"

I, however, love burgers and want to make out with/spank/pull Bacon's hair so this looks delicious in a gonna-so-hate-myself-in-a-half-hour kinda way.

12:32 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Hold on a minute. I don't believe this "sandwich" actually exists. That is clearly an add from the 1970s.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ross... With the frog legs and the quail and what not, it sounds like a very fancy, expensive sandwich. Not so much with the dog, though.

Gal Gotham... Okay, yes, last night I would have eaten one of those. I was fairly loopy by the time I got home. Chinese food was the way I went, though.

Cherry Ride... That's why dieting is bad. It gives you the cravings. Okay, yes, it makes not die, but still.

Mr. Shain... Are you saying that Blythe is a bacon cheeseburger? Because if so, she's a very well-spoken bacon cheeseburger.

Monkeypants... Ew, I remember that thing. Thanks for the article!

Jeff... You got me. I cropped out the part of the ad that tells you that the Baconator goes great with a refreshing cigarette.

12:47 PM  
Blogger Benjamin Kabak said...

In order:


-Very. No but if you say you're turning vegan, I will pretend Zombie Fights Shark is dead. I called 311 instead. They're on the way.

-Actually, my arteries clogged just looking at the picture. I had quadruple bypass while writing tis comment.

-To be perfectly honest, this was one of my first thoughts too. Not a fun five minutes on the toilet there. If that's too much info, well, it's too late.

-Nope. I blame the midwesterners and their love of bacon. That should win me some friends around these parts, right?

12:51 PM  
Blogger d said...

mmmmm bacon. i don't care that it would kill me within seconds of eating it, i want this in my mouf.

1:12 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

yes, i am a bacon cheeseburger. on the inside.

but more importantly, i hate the frosty. it's gross. i've never admitted to this in public. i feel much better. i also don't like chcolate.

1:18 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

I used to eat at Crif Dogs®™©™ all the time. I think they have a hot dog that's wrapped in bacon.

1:25 PM  
Blogger NYCPonderings Chick said...

does greesy food really make you break out? i thought that was a myth...or an urban legend parents told their kids so they wouldnt eat candy..no?

3:04 PM  
Anonymous Banjo said...

This is my flavorite treat!

5:25 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Benjamin... Do your stiches from the bypass at least look cool?

D... You're a braver man than I.

Blythe... We'll start a support group.

Lioux... LOVE, madcore, the Crifdogs. My favorite: The Chihuaua, which is a bacon-wrapped hot dog covered in sour cream and avocado.

NYCponderings... Oh, I don't know. Probably a myth. If you haven't noticed, I tend to talk out my ass most of the time.

Banjo... Really? That doesn't seem like your style. Or is this the first signs of a sense of humor???

6:26 PM  
Blogger Mr. Shain said...

NYCponderings: greesy candy? where can i find this delight?

7:38 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

I think I'd be more likely to order the Baconator if it was two separate sandwiches featuring one of each layers -- so I'd order both, then only eat 1 1/3, and ultimately feel great about myself for not taking things too far. But I guess that would defeat the purpose of Wendy's coming up with a new sandwich.

You do have to love the name.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Totally. I want to go back in time and have "The Baconator" be my nickname in High School. It would have been fairly accurate.

12:38 AM  
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