"What Jonathan Has Wrought," or, More Things To Chill Your Soul
NOTE: I found all of these pictures just hanging around the hard drive of my office computer. From this, I can only conclude that my office computer is a conduit for evil and that I should take it as a sign to start looking for a new job. One that's much less evil-y.
Pennywise, The Clown from IT
His inclusion here is obvious. I mean, look at the guy. Clown make-up? Check. Scary teeth? Check. Tim Curry? May god help us... check.
Carrot Sticks
I don't like carrots. They're gross. And evil.
The Ebola Virus
Anybody read The Hot Zone? This shit's like getting run over by a car, but on the inside. And then, after a while, what's on the inside suddenly is on the outside. In a fountain of blood and other things unmentionable in polite company. Poo. I'm talking about poo.
Creepy Baby Record
I'm pretty sure that this is Jonathan as a child. His eyes are hidden, thus masking their inky, deadness, but still... how could it not be him? He probably recorded this album so he'll something to play as a soundtrack when he and his "tuttles" take over the world.
Jay Rodriguez
I know a guy who knows a guy who knows him and the reports are generally unfavorable. Also, that one dog is wearing a purple something-fuzzy. Yeesh.
The Legion of Doom
The mere presence of Gorilla Grodd and and Captain Cold prove only that their evil knows no bounds. Because nothing says "supervillain" quite like a really smart ape and a guy who has total mastery of a temperature.
Decrepit Shack
For some reason, I feel that this is where I'm going to eventually meet my end. Why do I feel this way? I don't know... but there's just something about me that screams, "Will die horribly in a run-down building out in an abandoned field." I think I get it from my Dad's side of the family, all of whom died bloody in places much like this.
Dr. Skipper
Pennywise, The Clown from IT
His inclusion here is obvious. I mean, look at the guy. Clown make-up? Check. Scary teeth? Check. Tim Curry? May god help us... check.
Carrot Sticks
I don't like carrots. They're gross. And evil.
The Ebola Virus
Anybody read The Hot Zone? This shit's like getting run over by a car, but on the inside. And then, after a while, what's on the inside suddenly is on the outside. In a fountain of blood and other things unmentionable in polite company. Poo. I'm talking about poo.
Creepy Baby Record
I'm pretty sure that this is Jonathan as a child. His eyes are hidden, thus masking their inky, deadness, but still... how could it not be him? He probably recorded this album so he'll something to play as a soundtrack when he and his "tuttles" take over the world.
Jay Rodriguez
I know a guy who knows a guy who knows him and the reports are generally unfavorable. Also, that one dog is wearing a purple something-fuzzy. Yeesh.
The Legion of Doom
The mere presence of Gorilla Grodd and and Captain Cold prove only that their evil knows no bounds. Because nothing says "supervillain" quite like a really smart ape and a guy who has total mastery of a temperature.
Decrepit Shack
For some reason, I feel that this is where I'm going to eventually meet my end. Why do I feel this way? I don't know... but there's just something about me that screams, "Will die horribly in a run-down building out in an abandoned field." I think I get it from my Dad's side of the family, all of whom died bloody in places much like this.
Dr. Skipper
I have it on good authority that Pennywise, Jay Rodriguez, Jonathan and the Legion of Doom will drink nothing else but this off-brand Dr. Pepper. Also, if you check the label, it contains Ebola, as well as traces of decrepit shack materials. And it goes great with carrot sticks.
posted by Clinton at 12:21 PM
23 Comments:
holy SHIT
this is all terrifying. if you'd had Star Jones, this would be the evillest post in all history. Well, even without her... I won't sleep tonight.
Which is good, because us all being zombie killer evil drones right now, we probably don't need sleep. Thanks, Jonathan!
These are obviously pictures of Satan's My Space friends.
Awesome. That Jonathan has great taste in generic knock-off soda and generic knock-off carrots.
And those dogs look quite like Jay. Was he on one of those "I look like my pet" shows?
I had a friend in college who would amuse himself by doing a "Scary Clown" search on Google.
Yup...good times.
Wow, did you somehow inherit my old computer?
I went on a market research survey the other week and... (insert really, really, long boring story) ...it was the clowns! turns out everyone hates clowns! Isn't that hilarious?
Clowns creep me out.
You forgot Metal midget and his spandex wearing skinny sidekick.
My favorite off brand Dr. Pepper is "Dr. Schnee" and "Mr. Goodguy"
Ahhhhh IT! Makes me thankful I never leave home without an inhaler!!
~Irish
my health insurance is so bad, I can't even buy Dr. Pepper. A-hahahaha!
I am going to have nightmares tonight about Dr Skipper...for real
I'll tell you what's scary -- that tramp that Gary from Accounting brought to last year's Christmas party. Am I right, girls?
Stewpid... Star Jones just makes me sad. Joy Behar on the other hand... yikes.
Jeff... Satan is my MySpace friend too. Top 8, all the way.
Jonathan... No, he was one of the Queer Eyes that would make over Straight Guys. I'm not even going to get into how much that show amused me, because it's only going to end with me looking foolish.
Ross... That's a friend who's crawlspaces you need to check for bodies.
Cherry Ride... Nope, but evil's the same everywhere. Also, judging by your Commenter Icon, you should watch your back. Black Manta's on the list by virture of his involvement with the Legion of Doom.
Lioux... That would be because clowns are creepy.
David... Nah, they fight crime. They're the good guys.
Midwesterner... I think Dr. Schnee was my Dermatoligist.
Irish... We all float at ZFS!, Irish. Beep, beep.
Stewpid... (rimshot)
NYCponderings... As you should. There's nothing more horrifying than off-brand soda.
Braden... Oh no you didn't!!! She was a ho' fo' sho'!
Who's Jay Rodriguez? Should I know him? Is he one of those two oddly dressed dogs?
i know i already requested a spoiler alert for poo, but seriously, being slapped in the face with a picture of jay rodriguez was much, much worse. satan's myspace friends, indeed.
Two things:
1) I'm pretty sure he spells his name Jai. (I hate that I know that, damn pop culture sponge.)
2) Solomon Grundy is a fucking zombie! That Batman fights!! Batman fights a zombie!!
That is all.
pennywise scares the fucking shit out of me.
and update your link, yo!
Benjamin... You have no reason to know him whatsoever. He was on that Queer Eye show that was all the rage and now, I believe, he's a cultural footnote and nothing more.
Blythe... Yeah, that was a "my bad" on me. There oughta be a law.
Chris... I refuse to enable people who spell their names weird. Also, Solomon Grundy... how did I miss that? And I even knew/know about him and his zombie ways, too. Damn me!
Dmbmeg... Agreed. And fixed.
Solomon Grundy, born on a Monday...
IT seriously scarred me for life. Or a least for a couple of years. Eeesh.
Dr. Schnee, I remember that! I was also a fan of the "Dr. Thunder", and its bastard cousin, "Mountain Lightning" (I wanna say those are WalMart brands, but I'm not positive). Sounds like an old WWF tag team, no?
OH! Also, have you ever checked out the Murder Shack group on Flickr? Very cool, in a creepy way.
Giggleloop... Dr. Schnee, I've never see, but Mountain Lightning has a ring to it. That makes me think it's a Wal-Mart thing, because we're from two different regions. Hell, I don't know. It's too hot to think right now.
Oh, PS, those murder shack pictures are awesome.
I feel like you will be lured to death at that shack by the graveyard picture guy. Just a feeling.
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