Friday, July 06, 2007

A Few Words About Jackie Chan

NOTE: This is very much a "boy" post. I apologize in advance to all of the lovely ladies who may not find a brief discussion of how awesome it is to see Jackie Chan kick people in the head particularly interesting.

I think that, at one time or another, all men... be they white, black, gay, straight, Christian or heathen... have wanted to be Jackie Chan. Yes, that's a broad generalization, but, well, one of the great things about running a blog in this fantastically free-speech laden country of ours is that you can make broad, sweeping generalizations every now and again without the fear of government reprisal or having to worry that one of your closest friends will snitch you out to the Secret Police in exchange for the pardon of a valued cousin who's being held in captivity for publishing anti-establishment propaganda.

Er... sorry, I was watching The History Channel last night.

Anyway, so yes, the majority of men would like to be Jackie Chan. Myself so fucking included. In fact, "wanting to be Jackie Chan" was mostly what I did with my time in college in lieu of studying or socializing or really doing any of the things that one's supposed to do post-high school. No, I was much more focused on training my body to become that perfect combination of warrior and acrobat; on honing my reflexes and my strength into one compact, bendy organism that could take on entire armies of Yakuza assassins and win, hands down, and in spectacular fashion.

Ha ha ha ha ha heh... no, of course that's bullshit... you've seen pictures of me... I look more like Jackie Gleason than Jackie Chan and I'm about as flexible and "honed" as an old sofa. Also, not a lot of Yakuza assassins in Austin, Texas. I suppose I could have beat up on some frat guys... lots of them around... but... eh. Frat guys usually could hook me up with beer.

Anyway, I did watch a buttload of Jackie Chan movies when I was in college (in lieu of studying or socializing; that part's true) and from them, I learned many things.

1. Don't pick a fight with Jackie Chan (obviously).

2. Being Jackie Chan would be the coolest thing ever because no one, and I mean not a single fucking person, would ever give you shit about anything. They'd be all like, "Hey fuck you, asshole" and then they'd realize that they just sassed Jackie Chan. And before they could apologize, you'd have hit them so many times in the face that they'd think they've just been in a plane crash.

3. That time that I broke my arm in the 5th grade and thought I was a bad ass because I had a cast...? Yeah, Jackie Chan's broken every bone in his body a million times over and he still runs around like it ain't no thang.

4. Jackie Chan's probably from Outer Space.

5. Jackie Chan is the Way and the Light. In his flying karate kicks, truth resides.

But enough of my blather. Why talk about the man when we can watch him in action and bask in his glory like a turkey being basted in a delicious kung-fu gravy. This is a fight scene from Drunken Master 2 (Retitled Legend of Drunken Master when it was released in the states). It's the greatest martial arts movie of all time and if you doubt that, then I will do to you what Jackie Chan does to these guys in the clip. Or I'll just drink a lot and try to fight you in an alley before peeing myself and tripping over a sleeping bum. Either one.

NOTE: Sorry about the lack of subtitles. What's going on is, essentially, Jackie Chan's character needs to drink a lot of booze to fight using his "drunken boxing" style of martial arts. So that's why all the guzzling.

P.S. I'm on another Summer Friday today, so I'll be kind of in and out. Of consciousness. I'll probably post some more later, though, once the breakfast booze has sufficiently mellowed my soul.


Blogger Benticore said...

You TOTALLY made a horrible, ugly day into a fun one with that clip.

Yes, I too, wished to be Jackie Chan. Even though one might argue that Jet Li was a more technically sound martial artist, the personality and fun that Jackie Chan brought hasn't yet been topped or even neared.

And Drunken Master 2 IS one of the greatest movies of all time. The fight scene with the guy who I would call the Male Chunli (all those damn kicks) stands out as one of the more ridiculous martial arts fights that me and my friends used to try and duplicate at home to disastrous results. Thank you Zombie Shark, you just made my day!


11:48 AM  
Blogger that girl said...

I'm pretty sure that posts like this are one of the only things that get me through the workday. Rock on.

Oh. Also? Your theory? WRONG. Most girls want to be Jackie Chan, too. He's a badass that spans the genders.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Mjones said...

Thank you for keeping me entertained. Some of us have to suffer without Summer Fridays. Which I'm sure you will agree is just bullshit.

2:34 PM  
Anonymous Long Duck Dong said...

Never heard of him.

11:09 PM  
Anonymous David said...

Benticore seems like a nice happy fellow too bad everyone can't be like him, especially when you compare all the people with the sad mopey pictures to his.

1:01 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

What about the time you met Jackie Chan and seriously thought about throwing a punch just to see how fast he'd kick your butt?

Also, I believe Jackie Chan is the real Chun Li (and to a lesser extent, E. Honda):

5:30 PM  
Blogger Hex said...

Whenever Jackie Chan sneezes, Chuck Norris dies a little inside.

10:32 AM  

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