Thursday, July 05, 2007

UPDATE: I Can Be Your Interviewer

UPDATE: I've picked my first interviewee and am now currently awaiting their acceptance of the offer (they've been emailed). As soon as I've got an official "Yup" from said person, I'll let you all know who it is, why they were chosen, and so on and so forth. I do want to say, though, that everyone who responded would have made an excellent choice and thus will be called upon to be interviewed as this series progresses, if you're all still willing and able. Except for Britney Spears. Because if I wanted to interview a hooker with crabs, I'd go up to Hunt's Point.



Last night, during an insomnia-fueled bout of internet surfing, I came to the conclusion that the one thing ZFS! needs (besides a margarita machine, which I'm working on) is a lot more Celebrity Interviews. I mean, yes, I know that everyone in the world enjoys the posts that I write and that eventually my words will act as the glue that sticks us all together in one big global collage of harmony and peace, but when it's just me talking, all you get is one voice; one opinion amongst the many. Of course, mine is the correct opinion (obviously), but the fact remains... there are other people out there that have interesting thoughts and observations and, dammit, I should be talking to these people. Publicly. Especially if they're celebrities that could hook me up with free stuff.

Now, while this is an excellent idea, there is a bit of a problem... I don't know any celebrities. Like, none. I probably couldn't even get Bob Uecker to do an interview with me, that's how unimportant I am in the grand scheme of all things famous (NOTE: I'm still number one in your heart, though, and don't you forget it). Which is not to say that I think Bob Uecker would be a low-quality interview subject or anything like that; hell, he was great in Major League and I'd be delighted to speak with him. I'm just saying, Bob Uecker isn't exactly Brad Pitt. Also, I've typed the name "Uecker" so many times in the last five minutes that it's lost all meaning to me and, as they say, once "Uecker" goes, so goes the rest of your reality.

Anyway, I've gotten a little far afield of my main point here, and that is this: I either need to make nice with some famous people (not likely; I don't like meeting new people) or I need to change my tactic and start interviewing other people... say... people like YOU!!!

Well, maybe not you, specifically. You might be boring. But people very much like you. (NOTE: I'm going to keep using the royal "you" here for the sake of clarity) Maybe you've got a blog... or maybe you have a particularly interesting hobby... it could even be that you're just looking for an open forum to discuss your love for me, C-dog... whatever the case, don't you think it's about time you were interviewed by a guy so desperate for attention that he's now turned to harassing his readership in an effort to get them to talk to him? I'll answer for you... yes. Yes you do.

So here's how it's going to work:

In the comments section below, please give me one reason why I should interview you. Out of all the entrants, I'll choose one to start with and, some time next week, you and I will go to a bar or a coffee shop or some such and I will proceed to interview the ever-lovin' crap out of you. Or, if you live somewhere that's not NYC and/or you find me creepy (it happens) we can do the interview over AIM. If it goes well, this will become a regular feature here on ZFS!, with a new person being interviewed each time. And if it flops... I dunno... at least you can say you were there when the Great ZFS! Interview Experiment happened. If nothing else, it'll be a story to tell the grandkids.

Also, keep this in mind: I am 100% serious about this. I really do think this could end up being a blast for everyone involved. Especially if everyone involved is drinking heavily at the time of the interview.

Now, to give you an idea of what to expect from an interview with me, I'm going to give you a brief example of how things will go down. I'll be interviewing myself, but I think it will be a pretty good indicator of what's what.

The Clinton/C-dog Interview: An Example Of Things To Come

Clinton: Thanks for meeting me here today, C-dog.
C-dog: Pleasure's all mine. Can I just say, for the record, that you're ridiculously good-looking and it's going to be hard for me to concentrate because all I can think about are your shapely, attractive calves.
Clinton: I get that a lot. And thank you, of course.
C-dog: Don't mention it.
Clinton: Now, let's get started. First off, what's your favorite kind of sandwich?
C-dog: An excellent, hard-hitting question, Clinton. I really enjoy any sort of sandwich with salami and/or pepperjack cheese. I also am quite fond of very rare roast beef.
Clinton: Interesting... mayo?
C-dog: On occasion.
Clinton: I see. Moving on, how do you feel about rabbits?
C-dog: Rabbis? Because I wasn't aware we'd be discussing hot-button issues such as religion or politics.
Clinton: Well, you never know what's going to come up in these one-on-one meeting of the minds, but, actually, I was inquiring about your opinion on "rabbits."
C-dog: I see, my mistake. I really should take off my iPod. Rabbits... I think they're adorable.
Clinton: You don't find the way they hop about to be slightly offensive? Mocking, even?
C-dog: (a slight pause) Yes, now that you mention it, I do find the way rabbits hop around to be slightly offensive. Who do they think they are, anyway?
Clinton: Okay, calm down, C-dog.
C-dog: Just because Bugs was a big star, they think they can hop all over us like they own they place???
Clinton: Please stop waving your beer bottle around!
C-dog: Sorry, I was just incensed by your topical, yet instantly familiar style of questioning.
Clinton: Perfectly understandable. Let's change the subject... would you please give me five dollars?

And so on.

So there you have it. Let's get the interviewing under way! Can't wait, kids!!!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me! Don't you want to know about the hair dye job gone awry that made my hair white, what products I use to get it to stick straight up like this and more importantly, what it's like to live in the future?

11:41 AM  
Anonymous Andrew Ridgley said...

I was once in a pop group. I have a lot of built up angst I would like to get off my chest about the breakup.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Mr. Shain said...

i spent a weekend with oprah last month. also, i enjoy saying, "no comment" a lot.

12:32 PM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

I like baseball... alot. I also like getting drunk and making abrasive inappropriate comments on your site!

Plus we went to Junior High together so I can tell everyone what a badass football player you were and how your sexual prowess is legendary among the alumni of our fine small school.... not that I would kiss your ass or anything!

12:42 PM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

Ooh! This sounds fun! Interview me, because I'm obscenely hip. To wit: my first concert ever was John Denver (I was 7). Because that's how I roll.

Also, I'm a huge goober. To wit: I went to Space Camp. *Before* the movie came out.

1:13 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

u shuld interview me not just becus I have lot's of intristing thinks to say but also becus it wood make me famus and I need grupies to come clean my hous. it's relly messy.

2:01 PM  
Anonymous Britney Spears said...

I could be your first celebrity interview, y'all.

As long as I can smoke, and eat Cheetos durin' it.

You don't mind changing Sean Preston's diaper do you?

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Sean Preston said...

Please take me away from her.

2:59 PM  
Anonymous jayden james said...

me to

3:00 PM  
Anonymous Angelina Jolie said...

I'll take you guys.

3:38 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

(I'm too lazy to code)


3:46 PM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

@Irish & Jew: I'm so buying one of these tonight.

3:48 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Sally- I know right?!?! I like the name, they weren't even trying, lol


4:06 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

so, i don't think it's me.

5:46 PM  
Anonymous Britney Spears said...

I gots the crabs under control.

It's just the clap that I'm having probs with.

6:26 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

It's not cool to be interviewed unless we can get drunk together. Since I'm in Minneapolis, that's probably pretty difficult to do.

I'll self-censor.

7:39 PM  
Blogger threetoedsloth said...

I want to be interviewwwwwwed! I got all kinds of great dazzling facts, like, "Did you know that strawberry rhubarb pie originally had no strawberries in it?"

...Uh oh, there goes my only dazzling fact.

7:44 PM  
Anonymous eric the beehivehairdresser said...

I know that I'm a whee bit late, but you should interview me because I can't leave comments on blogger at work anymore.

Plus I can let you know who shot J.R.

10:16 PM  
Anonymous David said...

You could interview me an expose my double life as a ZFS reader and commentator to the whole world and ruin my career in politics. As my public persona is so different from my ZFS one. It’s like Conservative gone wild. I might even consider traveling up to NY for the interview. Would you put me up in a nice hotel or would I have to find a nice park bench somewhere. I always wanted to pee in public like you do and I guess in NY you don't get arrested like you do here.

11:32 PM  
Anonymous David said...

P.S. Just remember I'm straight and have a very strict policy about getting sexually harassed by interviewers unless they are good look (women) and my wife does not find out.

11:36 PM  

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