The Greatest Movie I Haven't Seen (Yet)

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord/

I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, oh lord/

Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord, oh lord

-Phil Collins

And just what was Mr. Collins speaking of? Some say it references the death of a friend, or perhaps a stranger who drowned and could not be saved. Some say it's a song about the season premier of Miami Vice. But there are others... others who think that his words are a prophecy. Of what, we were never sure. Until now:

Phil knew. He knew that, one day, a live-action movie of Transformers would be made. And it would heal us all. Sadly, due to his involvement with all aspects of Disney's Tarzan, we can never truly trust his wisdom again; an Oscar does not a wise man make, my British friend. But in this one instance, the man was spot on.

Yes, the time has finally arrived: Transformers is here and I for one could not be more excited if seeing it involved free sensual rubdowns that come complete with a complimentary "happy ending" (NOTE: C-dog thinks a "happy ending" means you get a slice of cake after your rubdown; don't ruin his innocence by telling him otherwise). Nope, no rubdowns necessary... Transformers has got giant robots doing battle with each other across a variety of destroyable landscapes and that, kids, is like a sensual rubdown for your heart and soul. Seriously, I can't accurately describe to you how excited I am about seeing this movie; I think this is how devout people must feel about church.

Sadly, as I've plans tonight that involve heavy drinking and (sigh) socializing with witty, charming people, I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow to see the movie that I'm pretty sure will make me lose weight and prevent everyone in the audience from ever getting cancer... that's okay, though. Waiting only makes it all the more sweet.

So, in anticipation of tomorrows cinematic excitement, here's some things that I, personally, hope to see during the movie's duration; I don't expect all of these things to happen in Transformers (I'm not greedy), but as long as a few of them do, then it will be the greatest movie of all time, ever, in the history of movies. Ever.

Things I Hope Happen In Transformers

-Two giant robots fight each other amid giant explosions (kind of a given, but still).

-Have one of the main characters say this line: "Optimus Prime, you've transformed... my... heart!"

-Megatron steps on Shia LeBouef. Then it cuts to Megatron scraping his foot off on a large rock.

-Tap-dance number.

-A brief flash of robot wang. Because you know robots have wangs. Especially ones that can transform from cars; I mean, what do you think happens to the exhaust pipe? Answer: Wang.

-A training montage where one of the Autobots starts off not being able to fight very well but, through a series of exercises and a rousing pop number by Foreigner, he learns to embrace his inner-robot and be a champion!

-A twist ending where it's revealed that Starscream was dead the whole time.

-Fart joke after fart joke after fart joke. Then, to clear the palate, a poop joke.

-Scenes of the robots walking quickly down long hallways while discussing politics, like in The West Wing. I know it kind of goes against the whole "robots fighting robots" ethos of the Transformers mythology, but still... that'd crack my ass up.