Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Answering Your Questions

NOTE: I can't tell you how many emails, hand-written letters, inked scrolls, old-timey Western Union telegraphs, and carved stone tablets I get every day from readers just like yourself (though their not as pretty/handsome), all in search of answers to questions that are weighing heavy on their mind. I don't blame them; I'm brilliant and my advice is worth, at minimum, a full-sized luxury sedan stuffed with foie gras and billionaires. So, while I usually write back to everyone individually, I thought it would be nice for a change to share my expansive reservoir of knowledge with the masses; what can I say, I'm a giver. Plus, I'm trying to secure a lock on this whole Nobel Peace Prize thing as quickly as possible. Don't think I forgot how you fucking robbed me last year, Muhammad Yunus. '07 is my year!

Answering The Questions Of My People

How do big, important businessmen wear suits during hot weather like this?

-Ricardo from Des Moines

Well, Ricardo, it has a lot to do with the fact that all businessmen have ice water running through their veins. That's how they're able to attack the world of, say, finance with the mercilessness of a trained assassin. There are other factors of course (they have no soul, many are mechanized androids, etc.) but mainly it's as simple as that. Oh, also, they wear ladies underwear. That doesn't necessarily keep them cool, but it's true nonetheless.

Will you marry me?

-Enid from Glendale

Aw, you're sweet Enid, but sadly I'm going to have to decline your proposal. As I've mentioned many times on this blog, I have a girlfriend whom I love very much; therefore, currently, I'm not in the market for another companion. Also, judging by the picture you sent in along with your letter, you appear to be a 6'10" hulking brute of a man who's clearly incarcerated somewhere within the California prison system. I'm sorry, but I just can't do a long-distance relationship again. It's too hard.

How do you perform open-heart surgery? (a reply sooner rather than later would be most appreciated by me as well as by Mr. Goldman here)

-[name illegible due to blood smears on letter]

Look, I'm not a doctor... the Texas Supreme Court made that point very clear. But, since you appear to be in need of a quick solution, I'd suggest renting and watching every single episode of the popular television program E.R. at your earliest convenience. I'm sure that they explain it all in there somewhere (seasons 3 and 4 were particularly good!).

Who's Harry Crumb?

-Tully from Ft. Worth

Easy; Harry Crumb is portly, now-deceased comedian John Candy. If you'd watched the movie, you'd have known that.

What's currently the funniest thing you've ever seen? I need to know, as I am currently ghost-writing your biography.

-Skip from Queens

That's an easy one, there, Skip. The answer is this:

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

-Joker from Gotham City

I believe he orders them from the SkyMall catalog, but don't quote me on that; there's a chance he's got a deal with Sharper Image.

Do I look fat in these pants?

-Various ladies from all over, am I right fellas???

Naw, baby, you look gorgeous. Now can we just go? We're going to be late!!! C'mon... Jesus...

You maybe want to finish this post and do some work, you lazy-ass bastard?

-My boss from the office at the end of the hall

Yes ma'am, right away ma'am.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Giggleloop said...

That cheerleader thing was pretty funny. (Was that cheer from Bring It On? Loved that movie. Eliza Dushku = yum. Anyway.)
This, however, is what I can't stop watching. What can I say, I'm easily amused. And I love prairie dogs.

9:56 AM  
Anonymous ROBOT said...

Clinton, why do humans cry?

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a question:

How do you keep your blog smelling so shower fresh?

Ours is starting to smell kinda funky over here...

10:34 AM  
Anonymous Yossarian said...

Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?

10:38 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Giggleloop... Word. I just saw that the other day and, oh, how I laughed!!!

Robot... We cry because we love; love is an emotion your shiny metal heart can never know, I'm afraid.

Gal Gotham... Well, I'd have to say that, by and large, the reason my blog stays so shower fresh is that I have a near-psychotic need for attention and approval. Also, Febreze.

Yossarian... That question's kind of a catch-22, isn't it?

10:42 AM  
Blogger NYCPonderings Chick said...

OMG I have serious love for you right now...love your "real" email questions
(;

10:48 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

I often wonder the same things about the suits in this weather. You must be right! How else could they spend the majority of their lives caring about like, boring numbers and stuff.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Nothing makes me laugh like watching people fall down. Thanks for making my day!

12:24 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

I see those business men walking around up here... i want so see how swampy their shirts are after they take off their jackets!! God it's probably like man stew!! gross

-Jew

12:27 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

NYCponderings... Why do you have the word "real" in quotes? Are you implying that I'm making these questions up? Because they're totally real and I hate for your to be all embarrassed when I prove it to you.

Colleen... Exactly. There's guys like that at my job... guys who really CARE about business... and I don't think a single one of them is human.

Jeff... No problem. When I watched this yesterday, I laughed so hard I snorted. Cocaine.

Jew... I was just outside for a few minutes and I had a little man-stew action going (ps I'm dressed like a video store clerk who just got fired). The businessmen must be man-stew-y to such a degree that when they take their clothes off at night, it looks like a sewege pipe burst in their bedroom.

1:30 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

I'm with Jeff. ANY type of physical humor/people wiping out, etc. NEVER fails to make me LOL.

4:10 PM  
Blogger NYCPonderings Chick said...

I request to see the one written in blood by the surgeon...
oh SNAP!
(-:

4:16 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

For Jeff, Lioux, and everybody.

4:27 PM  
Anonymous David said...

Holy shit, now that was funny, am still laughing. Tragic but funny. Good thing she wasn't a little bit bigger or she wold have gotten stuck.

8:55 PM  

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