Answering Your Questions

NOTE: I can't tell you how many emails, hand-written letters, inked scrolls, old-timey Western Union telegraphs, and carved stone tablets I get every day from readers just like yourself (though their not as pretty/handsome), all in search of answers to questions that are weighing heavy on their mind. I don't blame them; I'm brilliant and my advice is worth, at minimum, a full-sized luxury sedan stuffed with foie gras and billionaires. So, while I usually write back to everyone individually, I thought it would be nice for a change to share my expansive reservoir of knowledge with the masses; what can I say, I'm a giver. Plus, I'm trying to secure a lock on this whole Nobel Peace Prize thing as quickly as possible. Don't think I forgot how you fucking robbed me last year, Muhammad Yunus. '07 is my year!

Answering The Questions Of My People

How do big, important businessmen wear suits during hot weather like this?

-Ricardo from Des Moines

Well, Ricardo, it has a lot to do with the fact that all businessmen have ice water running through their veins. That's how they're able to attack the world of, say, finance with the mercilessness of a trained assassin. There are other factors of course (they have no soul, many are mechanized androids, etc.) but mainly it's as simple as that. Oh, also, they wear ladies underwear. That doesn't necessarily keep them cool, but it's true nonetheless.

Will you marry me?

-Enid from Glendale

Aw, you're sweet Enid, but sadly I'm going to have to decline your proposal. As I've mentioned many times on this blog, I have a girlfriend whom I love very much; therefore, currently, I'm not in the market for another companion. Also, judging by the picture you sent in along with your letter, you appear to be a 6'10" hulking brute of a man who's clearly incarcerated somewhere within the California prison system. I'm sorry, but I just can't do a long-distance relationship again. It's too hard.

How do you perform open-heart surgery? (a reply sooner rather than later would be most appreciated by me as well as by Mr. Goldman here)

-[name illegible due to blood smears on letter]

Look, I'm not a doctor... the Texas Supreme Court made that point very clear. But, since you appear to be in need of a quick solution, I'd suggest renting and watching every single episode of the popular television program E.R. at your earliest convenience. I'm sure that they explain it all in there somewhere (seasons 3 and 4 were particularly good!).

Who's Harry Crumb?

-Tully from Ft. Worth

Easy; Harry Crumb is portly, now-deceased comedian John Candy. If you'd watched the movie, you'd have known that.

What's currently the funniest thing you've ever seen? I need to know, as I am currently ghost-writing your biography.

-Skip from Queens

That's an easy one, there, Skip. The answer is this:

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

-Joker from Gotham City

I believe he orders them from the SkyMall catalog, but don't quote me on that; there's a chance he's got a deal with Sharper Image.

Do I look fat in these pants?

-Various ladies from all over, am I right fellas???

Naw, baby, you look gorgeous. Now can we just go? We're going to be late!!! C'mon... Jesus...

You maybe want to finish this post and do some work, you lazy-ass bastard?

-My boss from the office at the end of the hall

Yes ma'am, right away ma'am.