Sunday, June 24, 2007

C-dog and Girlfriend On... The Mermaid Parade; Part One

Yesterday, Girlfriend and I attended The Mermaid Parade that's held every year at Coney Island here in Brooklyn. If you're unfamiliar, it's a lot like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but with no budget, a nautical theme and an exponentially increased amount of titty. Basically, it's an excuse for people of all shapes, sizes, sexual orientations and shame levels to strip down, toss on some glitter, and boogie down a hot street near the ocean while being dry-humped by a tranny.

Naturally, we got pictures. Or, rather, Girlfriend got pictures. I can't operate a camera.

So here now, I present to you Girlfriend and I's tag-team take on Coney Island's Mermaid Parade:

NOTE: Some of these pics are NSFW-ish, but not too bad.

C-dog: Dork Cops!!!
Girlfriend: Oooh, rookie lost a bet!
C-Dog: Totally. We saw all variety of cop conveyance out there and these guys, unquestionably, were the as far down on the totem pole as you can possibly be without dropping off into the shameful world of crossing guards and lunch-room monitors.
Girlfriend: Not to mention the fact that the whole squad of cops present were there to crowd-control a parade of scythe-sharpening wackos.
C-dog: Scythe-sharpening, eh?
Girlfriend: Obviously the people in the parade spend a lot of time sharpening their scythes for the impending Armageddon. Duh. You didn’t get that?
C-dog: Sorry, not on my wacko game today, I guess.

Girlfriend: What is this guy supposed to be, exactly?
C-dog: Well, since the Mermaid Parade’s supposed to have a pervasive nautical theme, my only guess is that he’s the “girlfriend” of the Pirate ship? Or perhaps he’s the “saucy first mate.”
Girlfriend: He’s wearing boy-briefs and silver belt around his chest. How is that nautical?
C-dog: Hey, we don’t know what went on back then. Maybe that’s how they dressed when they’ve been on a ship for months and months. It’s hot out on the open seas.
Girlfriend: Also, it looks like he’s running away from the giant Astroland rocket. I’m going to assume that’s because he thinks it says “Astroglide.”
C-dog: Naturally.

C-dog: I know this is probably evidence of my deeply immature mind, but all I can think is, “Wow, that’s a big, candy-colored penis monster.” I know in my brain that it’s supposed to be a sea anemone, but my heart’s saying nothing but “dicks, dicks, dicks.”
Girlfriend: Just like always, right?

C-dog: These guys, I like. Very pretty, very creative, there’s not an overabundance of wang on display… a rarity among the parade’s offerings, to say the least.
Girlfriend: Jellyfishes…or giant nut sacks? You be the judge.
C-dog: I wasn’t going to go there, not after you called me out on my dick-minded thinking, so I’m glad you said something.

Girlfriend: Classy. But obviously not words to live by. Plenty of homeless people smell like fish.

C-dog: Check it out! It’s Kid Rock’s career from a parallel dimension!
Girlfriend: Damn, you took the Kid Rock reference out of my mouth.
C-dog: Sorry, there’s just no other way to go with this guy. The band, such as it was, was called “Erocktica,” by the way. Erocktica. Think about that; about the kind of people who would name their band "Erocktica." What’s not shown in this picture is the Erocktica floozy behind the ur-Kid Rock who had a tit fully out of her bathing suit without her knowledge.
Girlfriend: That would be the same girl who was trying to talk to the kids in the audience.
C-dog: That’s the one. God, I love Erocktica. They’re my favorite band now.

Girlfriend: Bitch stole my outfit.
C-dog: She can’t fill out a couple of large fry containers like you can, baby. No worries.
Girlfriend: You're right. I’m totally McGorgeous!

C-dog: I was going to make a sarcastic comment about this guy being underdressed, but I just can’t. The garishness has overridden the sarcastic part of my brain.

Girlfriend: Wouldn’t mind rubbing him with butter and lemon and crackin’ his claws. If you know what I mean.
C-dog: You like fully red dudes, huh?
Girlfriend: Yeah, he had me at “lobster-claw hat.”
C-dog: Well, I guess he does beat dinner at an actual Red Lobster.
Girlfriend: And either way, you end up with crabs.
C-dog: (rimshot)

C-dog: It’s Gandalf the Gay!
Girlfriend: Poor guy got lost on the way to the Lord of the Rings convention.
C-dog: You shall not pass… an all-male review without stopping in for a peek.
Girlfriend: No wonder he kept all his male hobbits close.
C-dog: Those books make so much more sense now.

Girlfriend: I’d just like to say that she was my favorite; no one dresses like zombie mermaids anymore.
C-dog: And it’s a shame too, because she looks so lovely.
Girlfriend: This is what happens when zombies and sharks stop the fighting and start the mating.

C-dog: Oh man. God bless this guy.
Girlfriend: He doesn’t even know there’s a parade going on. Such innocence.
C-dog: I kind of want to trade in my Dad for him. He looks so full of wisdom and life.
Girlfriend: He just looks comfortable, so unrestrained from society and pants.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh what a shame I missed it. What is it with the lazy cops. That is just what you need when you have to chase bad guys down, cops that can't run becasue they have been riding those things. Just think, taxpayers are paying them to be lazy.

11:27 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I totally saw people in Mermaid costumes! It was hysterical, more so because I didn't know about the parade.

1:21 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

David... These are actually a great crime-fighting tool; crooks will be laughing so hard at the cops riding these Geek-machines, they'll be unable to run.

Also, Crime-Fighting Tool would be a perfect descriptor for any and all segway-riding cop.

Todd... They looked like freaky weirdos at the parade; I can't imagine them out in the wild.

9:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If they are how come you don't see SuperHeroes riding them? Or Lego Man.

9:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If only the cops from Reno 911 had been on patrol for this one...God, I love that show.

10:30 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

David... Only the NYPD has the sort of budget to afford Segways. Because those are a much better investment than pension plans, reasonable salaries, or health insurance.

Gal Gotham... Me too!!! Did you see the movie? It was muy hilarioso.

10:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That guy at the end in the diaper... um, I think that IS my dad. I've been wondering where he's been.

11:09 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Wow... I feel like I was there. HILARIOUS!

11:18 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

That older chap with all the feathers must have gotten lost on his way to the Mummer's parade in Philly.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

'either way, you end up with crabs'



11:27 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Anon... If I see him again, I'll let him know the child support money's due.

Irish... If you really want to feel like you're there, go outside, get a sunburn, then have a drag queen shake her ass in your face. That would be the "total experience."

Jeff... What is this "Mummers" that you speak of? I could Google it, I suppose, but we all know that's not going to happen.

Jew... That was all Girlfriend. She's like a ninja with a good STD joke.

11:45 AM  
Blogger theToyGuy said...

Clinton, The Mummers are a Philly thing. I could tell you all about them but we would need to be eating cheese steaks or hoagies at the time.

11:52 AM  
Blogger stew said...

awesome pics, awesome captions, I'm all loling and rofling and stuff. For reals.

12:50 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

that made my hangover a lot more tolerable. thanks.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

ToyGuy... I could eat a cheesesteak. I believe that's my natural state of being, actually.

Stewpid... Aw, thanks! I do try so hard to make people ROLF and LOL. And even BBQ.

Blythe... Wonderful! I've always considered myself to be the hair of the dog and a greasy breakfast of blog-writers.

2:34 PM  
Blogger d said...

JE-SUS. seriously? no. seriously? i'm mostly amazed at the guy in the diaper. what the hell does that have to do with mermaids? or the sea? i confused.

this was the funniest thing i've read/seen since the third batman movie.

3:01 PM  
Blogger d said...

p.s. girlfriend is a keeper. she's almost funnier than you are. it might be a tie actually.

3:02 PM  
Blogger stew said...

You know, tighty whitey guy looks like Travis Junior. Whom I would totally like to marry if anyone can hook me up with that. (Travis, not tighty whitey guy.)

ps yeah big ups to girlfriend. This was the funniest thing I've read since, you know, the last thing you posted.

4:37 PM  
Blogger d said...

brown noser

6:42 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

D... I likes the funny chicks, what can I say.

Stewpid... You're giving me a big head, yo! Not that I don't appreciate it. Actually, if you stop complimenting me, I'll tailspin into a swirling black pit of despair. So keep it up!!!

D 2... Brown-nosing is always welcome. My ego needs food.

8:49 AM  

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