Thing I Lied About When I Posted Craigslist Personal Ads In The Pre-Girlfriend Era

NOTE: Yes, I used to post Craigslist personal ads, especially when I was drunk and near a computer. Don't judge, Mr. or Ms. I-Have-Healthy-Social-Skills-Like-A-Normal-Person.

I'm a great cook - If you consider slapping a wad of shredded cheese between two tortillas, then dropping the whole mess on a scorching hot surface for three minutes to be cooking, then yes, I'm a great cook. If, however, you'd like something else home cooked to eat once in a while... say, oh, anything other than quesadillas... then looking elsewhere for chef-ly companionship would be a much better idea. I'll only break your heart and most of your kitchen appliances.

I speak Spanish and French - Quesadilla. Also, salsa, burrito, and enchilada. As for French... well, I took it in High School, but I cut class a lot and really I was only there in an effort to make time with a certain female member of the French Club (Side Note: Mission accomplished!).

I enjoy the outdoors - While I do enjoy the outdoors on an academic level and, yes, I recognize the outdoors as key feature of our planet's ecosystem, to be honest I'd rather not so much be there, especially if the option of not being outdoors is available. Even less so if there's a couch involved.

I on occasion will have a small taste of liquor, but only if you're having some too- Some lies were bigger than others.

This is the first time I've done this, but...- Craig actually got a little creeped out and was like, "Dude, I'm glad you like m'list. I like it too. But you're coming on a little strong. Little needy, there. Take a few days away from your computer to reflect and ponder and then maybe, maybe, I'll lift the court order barring you from my corner of cyberspace."

I'm reasonably good-looking - This was actually really unfair because, when the girls I'd meet saw me in all my dashingly handsome glory, their eyes would pop like baked potatoes in a microwave. But, really, how can you write, "I'm so goddamn attractive you'll want to stab George Clooney in the face because you've mistaken him for a syphilitic hobo trying to pick your pocket" and have people believe you?

I'm a writer who's all about writing and will one day be known for his writing, etc. - This was particularly laughable back then, way before ZFS! got a-rollin', because my entire "writing career" at the time consisted of reviewing horror movies every once in a while and, of course, writing Craigslist ads that made frequent use of the phrase, "the novel that I'm working on." There was no novel. There was barely a short story. There were a couple of fistfuls of great first paragraphs, a play that was barely that, and lots and lots and lots of little humorous essays, lists, thoughts, and... well, you've read the blog so you know of what I speak.