Live-Bloggin' Bob Barker's Last The Price Is Right: An Experience For The Ages

10:49: Starting a little early, just to get a taste for what's to come. Looks like we've got some Guiding Light going on here. Seems very dramatic.

10:51: Oooh, there's a commercial about helping inner-city youths and, somehow, they're relating it to the TPIR finale. I'm... watching it and... still... I don't entirely understand. Ew, that one kid's mom is totally fug.

10:53: I get it... the TPIR girls are there helping. That's nice. I guess. Now we're into a Mrs. Butterworth's commercial. Eh. Oh, is it wrong that I kind of want to see Nancy Drew?

10:55: Mmmm... Ranch dressing...

10:57: Guiding Light's over. The anticipation is KILLING ME!!! According to the news break, some toddlers in New Jersey were in danger, but now they're okay. Good to know.

11:00: And we're off! Same ol' twinkly frame around the screen! They're calling "on down" the contestants!

11:01: One of the contestants is wearing a tye-dyed shirt. Who does that?

11:02: Huge ovation; lots of confetti for BB's entrance. Not fucking around; right into the bidding. First item up for bid: A big-screen TV.

11:03: Gross, this fat chick who looks like she's going to shit a brick just won. Man, she's been waiting on line for three days to get tickets. Lame-o. The prize up for grabs is a Corvette. Nice.

11:04: The game is Lucky 7.

11:05: She has to guess each number in the price of the Corvette. She's seriously having a fat girl panic attack right now. Aaaaand she's fucking things up, royal...

11:06: Holy shit... she won! I don't even know what the fuck happened. She was all sweaty and panicked and wearing a shirt that was a color green usually found in movie-theater candy and then, suddenly, she's taking home a Corvette. Well good for her, I guess. Alan Thicke is now on TV shilling some sort of Vegas time-share. Poor bastard.

11:08: BB's telling a story about how he saw one of the contestants being interviewed by CBS earlier and he's glad he's now a contestant. Dude's been waiting for tickets outside for FIVE DAYS.

11:08: Next item up for bid: Shitty, Mafia-bride necklace.

11:10: Kind of hot, kind of not, chick won. HOLY SHIT IT'S PLINKO!!!

11:11: Who the fuck needs a chocolate mill? Jesus. Get on with the Plinko-ing... Ugh. Whatever, she's guessing right on all the prices. Which I guess is kind of the point of the show.

11:12: Is there finer drama in the world than watching people drop their Plinko chip down the Plinko board? It's like the season finale of Lost, but with the chance to win money and hear Bob Barker say "Plinko!" Can't get any better than that. Anyway, "Kristen" or whatever lost, because she's suck-ass with the Plinko chip dropping.

11:14: I so want one of those Rascal, old-people movers. I'd be the biggest hit at the bar.

11:15: Next item up for bid: A stair-machine.

11:16: Oh man, the tye-dyed dude. Won. The big prize is a ski-boat and Mr. Tye-Dye looks like he just saw a woman's "cooter" for the first time. Freaking out.

11:17: It's the Range Game. Trying to find the "range" of the price. Or something; man, these games have gotten complicated since the last time I watched. Or did I get stupider?

11:18: Mr. Tye-Dye won the boat. Is frothing all over BB. BB looks non-plussed. I kind of get the impression that he wanted Mr. Tye-Dye to lose. Not that I blame him.

11:19: First AARP ad of the day! Old people!!!

11:20: First Beano ad!!! FARTS!!!

11:21: We're at the big Wheel of Disappointment (thnx, Stewpid!). Kristen spins, gets 45, and is spinning again. She's at 85 cents and seems please.

11:22: Mr. Tye-Dye is up. He can't beat Kristen and BB looks pleased, like his foe has been vanquished. The fat chick's up again. Ooooh... she's tied with Kristen!!!

11:22: Spin-off!!! Meh. The fat chick Hit 1$, which as you know is the big deal of the Wheel of Disappointment. Wins an extra 1,000$ and Kristen goes off to be not-exactly-attractive somewhere else. Why do the irritating people always win on this show? Must be rigged.

11:24: Can you believe that they made a sitcom about those fucking Geico cavemen? Seriously, we're nearing the End Times, kids.

11:25: HAHAHAHAHA!!! New contestant Dean just fell on his face "comin' on down!!!" Hilarious! Anyway, the next item up for bid: cool-ass jukebox.

11:26: Dean, fresh off of eating it on national TV, wins. He says that everyone in Canada loves BB. I can't imagine that's not true. Sigh... another new car. They're going all out this go around, I guess.

11:28: What the fuck is this? All he has to do is guess the price between two different total choices? That's not a fucking game!!! That's multiple-fucking-choice!!! Eh. Whatever, he won. Good for him, he made a 50-50 decision. Let's throw a fucking parade with floats and Macy's balloons.

11:30: I'd like to get some money because of dog bites or accidents in the workplace. Got to write down this number.

11:31: The new contestant looks like your Art Teacher in High School. Long, gross ponytail and a decided lack of sexual attraction. The next item up for bid: A motorcycle of some sorts.

11:32: Art Teacher wins! Is absolutely losing her shit. Trying to stroke and hug the BB; she's like the killer in Silence of the Lambs, sans the cross-dressing. There's a camper up for grabs, and some other shit. Playing the Grocery Pricing Game.

11:33: Omigod, she's shaking like a girl about to be killed in a slasher film. She's picking groceries, trying to get a total of 21$. She loses, because she can't price Dial soap correctly. BB's nice to her, because he's not a mean man. He's gentle and kind. Unless you're wearing tye-dye. Then you can go fuck yourself.

11:36: Took a pee break. Now we're in a commercial for inhalers or something. God, they really think the only people who watch TPIR are old, don't they?

11:37: Dude, the new contestant is the very definition of douchebag. He's here to be ironic, you can totally tell and I want to hit him with my shoe. The next item up for bid: A couch. Phillip, the guy from the interview, wins! Good for him.

11:38: Ha! The first part of the prize is a collection of board games! Oh, then there's a new car. Of course. Because this is all they're giving away today. Nice car, though: Ford Explorer. The game is "Any Number." Another "guess the numbers in the price of the car" game. Really lacking in creativity these days, got to say. Need more things like Plinko.

11:40: Phillip loses on the last number, which I imagine is a reoccurring trend in his life. He looks heartbroken.

11:42: Power chair or scooter? What's the difference? Both haul around your wrinkled butt. Man, I totally want one of those. Cruisin' down the street with my gangsta lean...

11:43: Cool, if you're a contestant that doesn't get on the show, you get a free grill. Neat. Okay, on to the Wheel of Disappointment. Phillip's up and... he's @ 80cents.

11:45: Art Teacher craps out, a two-time loser. She can go cry in her ponytail.

11:46: Dean's up with a big-dick spin. He's "hollah-ing" to his peeps in Canada, but doesn't win. Phillip's the big winner, for the first time ever in his sad, sad existence. Oooh, look... BETTY WHITE!!!

11:46: WILFORD FUCKING BRIMLEY

11: 48: Hey, let's waste electricity by plugging in air fresheners. That sounds like a sweet idea!!! Can we also throw away food and shit on a homeless person?

11:49: The Showcase Showdown is upon us...

11:50: 1st Showcase... "all involving the word 'Saint.'" A trip to St. Martins island, Next is St. Patrick, otherwise known as a trip to Ireland (shout out to my girl Irish!!!). And then a Lincoln Navigator, which... doesn't really... have anything to do with the word "saint," but whatever. Fat Chick passes! It's all Phillips.

11:52: 2nd Showcase... "our girls are in the dentists waiting room." The hell... anyway, first prize is an electric grill. Sweet. Ah, a Mediterranean cruise is up next... man, that sounds nice. Also, all the TPIR girls look like stewardess. Just sayin'. And yet again we get another new fucking car. How original. Convertible Caddy this time. Nice, actually.

11:53: They've made their bids. And we're at a commercial about Uncle Joe's funeral. Life insurance. Oh, hey, does anyone remember those "robot insurance" commercials with Sam Waterson from SNL? Those were hilarious.

11:55: The "Miracle Ear." Want one of those too.

11:57: Phillip loses, of course, because he is a loser. Fat Chick wins, is nasty.

The End: BB says thanks for having him in our homes for the last 35 years. Is all class. Asks us to please spay and neuter our pets. We will Bob, I promise we will.

Wrap up: Well, there we go. That was fun! For me, anyway. Hope you guys enjoyed the live-bloggin' experience. I haven't even had time to check the comments yet, so I guess we'll see. I guess what we've learned here today is that Bob Barker is, in the face of losers, dorks, and creepy chicks who want to touch his face, still and always the goddamn man.

So Long Bob!!!