Let's Talk Edible Underwear

Hey, remember when I mentioned Edible Boxers in the last post? Oh, how we laughed at the pithy reference! Good times! Then we went about our collective day, completely ignoring the rich goldmine of conversation and good humor that we'd left behind. Fortunately, NYC Ponderings Chic was there to pick up our admittedly shameful slack. Thanks to her skill with that most scientific of Internet navigation devices (Google), she was able to locate a place where said Edible Boxers are available for purchase and, because she cares, she posted the link for us in the comments section.

What she found was this:



...and the link is here. Please click, order yourself a couple of pairs, and then come back (no worries, it's SFW).

Okay, so we're dealing with Men's Edible Undies here. Think about that concept for a second. Consider the fact that a guy is supposed to, by design, put these on and have them eaten off him as a part of the act of love. Okay, now think of a guy that you know. Boyfriend, husband, C-dog... whomever. Now think of this particular guy nude, save for a "pink champagne" flavored Fruit Roll-Up stretched across his nethers.

A Lovecraftian horror, right?

The two major problems that I see here are A) Ass Hair and, B) Farts.

Starting with the Ass Hair issue... Guys, generally, have hairy butts. No way around that, unless they're big fans of shaving and/or Nair. And if the particular male that you're bunking down with is, in fact, one who shaves or depilitates his ass, then more power to you; you're one step closer to a mid-coitus snack break. If not, if your dude leans a little more towards the status quo, then think now about the amount of hair on his ass, the stickiness of the edible drawers after they've been warmed up by the guy's body temperature, and the volume of said ass hair that's going to transfer from flesh to Fruit Roll-Up in the time it takes for you to tear those bad boys apart with your teeth. If you need to barf now, it's totally cool. Bottom line: If you're dating a hairy guy and you eat these things off of him, you're probably taking at least a half-cup of ass hair down your gullet too.

The second issue, which is probably the most important, is the issue of Farts. Guys, and again I'm generalizing here, fart a lot. A whole lot. Thus, the odds are pretty good that, during the time that they're wearing the Drawers of Many Horrors, they're going to let one rip. Unless you throw them on and immediately start chowing down... yeah, you're going to be eating a fart. While there are, I'm sure, some people who would find this to be an unexpected bonus, I'd like to think that most of us would consider this a fate only slightly preferable to getting shot in the face.

So, in the end (pun most definitely intended), I think it's best for everyone if we all, as a group, stay away from the Edible Underwear for as long as possible. Just not a good idea. Though it should be noted that ZFS! does wholeheartedly endorse the usage of whipped cream and chocolate syrup, either in the bedroom or when making me a delicious sundae.