Wisdom For The Kids

Okay, first things first, if you haven't seen Knocked Up yet, do yourself a favor. It's like the cinematic satisfaction equivalent of a bacon cheeseburger with spicy fries and a pitcher of beer, but twice as hilarious and less likely to make your ass fat.

Considering the fact that this year has already seen such "comedy" fare as Wild Hogs and Norbit, it's extremely heartening to know that Hollywood hasn't completely lost touch with what's actually funny. Then again, we did see a trailer for some new Ben Stiller movie that looks about as funny as a colonoscopy, so maybe Knocked Up is our only chance for humorous salvation.

Whatever the case, go see it. You won't regret it.

Anyway, not only did it make me laugh, but seeing Knocked Up yesterday really made me think about how I would react, were I in the lead character's situation. This, by the way, isn't uncommon for me; it's just how I consider and relate to movies. For example, Ghostbusters makes we wonder how I'd handle myself in various ghostbusting situations, just as Showgirls makes me take a long, hard (har!) look at my life and how it would be different if I happened to find myself twirling around a stripper pole. In Knocked Up's case, I was forced to examine myself as a potential father.

My first thought was, naturally, a protracted, internal scream that went on for so long that I thought something in my brain had broken, trapping me forever in my own head full of sorrow's cacophony. Turns out, no; I'm just fucking terrified at the prospect of being someone's dad. Or, I should say, I'm terrified of being someone's Dad now. I want kids, I do, someday. In the future. Perhaps when we've got flying cars and machines that dress you like on The Jetsons. If Girlfriend were to get pregnant today, though... yeesh. Girlfriend is, by the by, the person I'm about 90% sure I'll be having kids with. Can't really see it going any other way at this point, barring horrific tragedy and/or she finally gets tired of putting up with my bullshit. Truthfully, neither of us are ready for that big step: She's still in grad school, with her eyes on an eventual doctorate, and I'm a deeply irresponsible, drunken teenager in a nearly-27-year-old's body. Not exactly the right time or place for either of us to switch over into parent mode.

But what if it did happen? We do the birth control (and if you don't think birth control is a "we" thing, then you're a very foolish person), but birth control has been known to, on occasion, not work. It's maddening and it would make me want to bomb a pharmaceutical company were it to happen to me, but still it's the truth. Now, I do think that I could actually handle the mechanics of parenting; the cleaning up the puke and pee, the late nights of no sleep, the feedings, the keeping them from dying... That's basically just like taking care of a drunk friend with alcohol poisoning who's passed out on your living room floor and, trust me, I could teach a four-credit college lecture course on that subject. No, it's the intangible aspects of parenting that frighten me the most. Namely, the imparting of wisdom unto my child.

Fuck. What am I supposed to tell a kid? What information is it important for them to know? I mean, there's the obvious stuff like don't get into an unmarked van with a guy dressed up like a sad clown, or don't stick your finger into a running boat propeller (which is something I actually did when I was four; thanks for the heads up on that one, Dad!). But beyond that... well, here's what I've come up with:

The Sum Total of My Wisdom for to Pass Along To My Kids

NOTE: I hope to put off having a kid for at least a few more years, thus giving me time to fill in the obvious gaps in my knowledge. However, if the kid were to show up nine months from now, this is what he's getting.

-If you become one of those people that knows a lot about one thing (sports, movies, cars, etc.), you're going to end up only hanging out with people that are the same way and that one topic is all you'll ever talk about for the rest of your life. This is okay if you've got a genuine love of said topic and that's how you're prefer to spend your days, but really it's better if you shoot for more of a spred-out knowledge base. Learn about all of those topics; no, you won't be an expert, but really, nobody likes an expert except for other experts. And even then, they only like them because they hope one day to prove each other wrong on some minuscule fact or stat, thus validating their existence. Seriously, strive to be "barroom conversant." This means you can hold a good conversation about a variety of topics in a bar and, thus, will be the guy or gal that everyone wants to hang out with. For real, this is what my father was teaching me instead of the dangers of boat propellers.

-It's okay if you want to be vegetarian or vegan, but you're going to get a ton of shit about it from everyone, including me. Not like serious shit, or anything; no one's going to kick the crap out of you for not eating meat, but still... expect some static. Also, don't expect to be invited to dinner by anyone but other vegetarians or vegans unless you're copacetic with eating at the steakhouse's salad bar.

-Do whatever you want at home, but when you're at a bar, pick a drink and stick with it the whole night. Switching from beer to whiskey (or vice-versa) is okay, but otherwise, it's like constantly switching lanes at a bowling alley. Not advisable.

-Avoid the pills, the powders and anything you have to cook up in a teaspoon. The people that sell that shit carry guns, which are almost as lethal as what they're selling. And if you are going to walk down that road, for fucks sake don't tell me or your mother about it. And don't ask us for money, because I will kick your ass.

-Really, really, really think about that tattoo before you get it. Getting "I Heart Hootie and the Blowfish" removed from the small of your back costs a shitload of money. Piercings are okay, but keep in mind that most people will think you look like an idiot. If that doesn't bother you, then carry on.

-I know it's inevitable to try and fit in, but you really shouldn't try to be cool for more than a year, two tops. It's expensive, exhausting and if you're not one of those people who's magically blessed with the ability to always be in fashion and into the awesome new bands, then it's just going to make you depressed. What works better is to figure out what you like and then just fucking go with that; usually you'll end up with a circle of friends who respect you for just being you, and like you because you're laid back enough to treat them the same way. And if not, then you can rock the whole "outsider" angle, which should be at least good enough to get you laid once in a while, especially if you bathe regularly.

-Telling a cop to go fuck himself right to his face sounds like a badass, punk rock thing to do. It's not, though it does make for a good story. You can get away with doing it if you're 20 and younger. Any older and they'll probably give you some stick time.

-Don't drink and drive. Yeah, it's practically just a bumper sticker slogan at this point, but that doesn't make it any less true. Dying because you got behind the wheel after twelve Kamikaze shots is just about the stupidest way to go out short of auto-erotic asphyxiation, and at least with that you get to bust a nut right before you go.

-Get into The Beatles.

-Watch Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi as much as you can when you're a kid. Trust me.

-Mainly, though, what you've got to do is just be nice to people, but not so much that you're a push-over. Find that balance. Growing up to be the kind of dude that other guys want to hang out with and girls want to date starts with just being a decent person that does what they say their going to do and doesn't lie about shit all the time. Everything else will fall into place behind that.