My Horror Script

NOTE: Because I'm all about sharing, I've decided to let you in on a secret: I'm writing the best horror movie ever made. It's already been optioned by the largest motion picture company in Bulgaria (Very Good Films For Money-Making, Yes Inc.) and we're looking to start production on it as soon as we can cast a couple of lead actors, hire a DP, and successfully negotiate a peaceful end to the bloody, civil war that's sprung up around all of our shooting locations. Get ready, world; you're about to have your mind blown out your ass by the one, the only...

Prom Night At Splattery Death High, or "You're Wearing The Devil's Corsage, My Darling"

PLOT: Four American students are drinking their way across the Caribbean islands after graduating from High School; they are Joe (the leader of the group and an All-American tennis star), Rico (the swarthy Latin stud), Eugene (the nerdy one) and Miroslav (the foreign exchange student). The character of Miroslav, incidentally, is going to be played by the President of VGFFM-M Inc., as per the conditions of our contract; he's always wanted to be in movies and, well, it was either let him be in ours or try to shoot in the outer regions of Bulgaria without support of the local police. Not recommended. Anyway... Oh, did I mention that the character of "Joe" is psychic? Well, he is.

So, our four leads are partying across the Caribbean, chasing girls, catching some rays, scoring some high-quality smack, when, suddenly, they find an old, dusty book in one of their hotel rooms. It appears to be bound in human skin and Joe (who's psychic, remember) starts getting violent, skull-crushing headaches whenever one of the guys starts to read from it's pages. It's revealed through a series of nudity-filled flashbacks that the book is actually the Necroblomicon, otherwise known as the Book of the Evil Dead (NOTE: we had to change the name after Sam Raimi threatened to sue us; however, Raimi doesn't own the rights to the words "Evil" and "Dead," so he can suck it). After ignoring Joe's pleas to stop, Rico continues to read the ancient text and is subsequently turned into a swarthy, Latin demon. He eats Eugene.

Oh, shit, also, there's a serial killer on the island with them. Sorry, I nearly forgot.

So, Joe and Miroslav are on the run from the Demon Rico and from the serial killer, who only has icepicks for hands, and, in an effort to hide, they get themselves invited to the Caribbean High School's prom, which just happens to be taking place at midnight in an old church that was originally the site of the serial killer's childhood home. Also, it's haunted. Miroslav sees a ghost while spiking the punch and runs away, scared. He's eaten by Eugene, who's now a demon too.

So it's all up to Joe to defeat all his newly-demonic friends at the prom, which has become a swirling hotbed of chaos and evil. Fortunately, he's got super mind powers (psychic!) and he uses them to make the ghosts and the demons fight each other until Miroslav comes back as an angel and kills everyone, thus making him the hero.

All appears to be well, but then the serial killer (whom everyone had forgotten about) leaps from behind some streamers and stabs Joe to death in a shocking twist. The serial killer is then eaten by Miroslav, who was actually a demon the whole time, but the good kind. It's all explained in by some flashback narration that plays over the credits, which are filled with explicit sex scenes and a few extra explosions that we got footage of when a factory near VGFFM-M Inc. was blown up by the rebels during a production meeting.

The movie ends with the words, "The End," followed by three, screen-filling question marks, which suggest that perhaps it's not actually the end.

So there you go; awesome, right? We're pretty sure it's going to be a huge hit. Or, at least it better be. If we lose any money whatsoever, I, apparently, become property of the Bulgarian government. Which just goes to show you what happens when you don't hire a lawyer to go over your contracts.

At any rate, see at next years Museum of the Moving Image Horror-Fest!!! It's going to be scare-tacular!!! Also, it will be 20$-cover-charge-tacular!!!