Thursday, June 14, 2007

My Rise To Supervillainy

NOTE: I woke up this morning with a burning desire to become the world's greatest Supervillain. I know, who didn't? Still, I've decided that I'm going to follow through with it and, first thing on the agenda, is to take care of all these damn Superheroes that are cluttering up our planet. Because you're now all officially my henchmen, I'll let you in on how I'm going to do it.

Batman - Please. He doesn't even have any powers, unless we're counting "being a really rich guy" as a superpower these days (and if so, someone needs to keep an eye on Wilmer Valderama). He'll show up with all his Bat-a-rangs and Bat-o-hooks or whatever and I'll just shoot him with a rocket launcher. Because all the money in the world won't stop a rocket to the face. Unless he's got a Bat-o-Rocket-to-the-Face-Protector. Then I might be screwed.

The Flash - Here's the only Superhero that can be beat by sticking your foot out as they run by. Yeah, you might end up with a broken ankle, but can you imagine the crash-and-burn from a trip at that speed? Dude'd be a crimson skid mark stretched out for a mile and a half.

Aquaman - You know how I'd beat Aquaman? I'd go on land. Done. He'd be all, "Hey, come back in the water where I can use my fish powers," and I'd be like, "Come up here on the beach, Blondie, and I'll punch you once in the face as hard as I can and you won't be able to do anything except for cry because a big-ass shark won't be swimming by to protect you." Then he'd float back to Atlantis or something. Yep. That's how it'd go down.

The Green Lantern - Easy. Take away his lantern. Yeah, since that's like his "thing," he probably guards it pretty close, but no matter. Get ahold of that and suddenly Mr. Big Fancy Green Lantern turns into Mr. Guy In A Tight Jumpsuit Standing Around Looking Like An Ass Before He Gets Clobbered In The Face By His Own Green Lantern.

Wonder Woman - Because I don't hit girls, ever, I'd have to go at this from another angle. First I'd take her out on a fancy date, where I'd be my usual charming and magnetic self. Then I'd get myself invited up to her place for coffee, where I'd seduce her (which shouldn't be hard, seeing as how I'm romantic like a motherfucker). We'd make sweet, sweet Superhero-style love, making liberal use of the Lasso of Truth, and then, the next morning, I'd be a jerk to her and promise to call even though I didn't really mean it!!! She'd be heartbroken and, thus, unable to continue her crime-fighting ways, not to mention the fact that she'd be pregnant with my evil baby. Because Supervillain C-dog goes bareback (Muhaaah aaaaah aaaaaahh!!!!).

Spider-man - As much as I've enjoyed Spider-man over the years, I really get the feeling that he's the one Superhero that could be lured into an alley with the promise of free My Chemical Romance tickets, and then quickly dispatched with a brick to the skull. Spidey-powers or not, Peter Parker is a total wussbag.

Superman - Not a fair fight really, seeing as how my fists are made of Kryptonite. I've mentioned that before, haven't I? That my fists are made of Kryptonite? Because they totally are. Prove they're not; c'mon, I dare you.

Iron Man - Ha ha, what's the matter Iron Man? Can't get up off your back when you've been pushed over? Well, that's what you get when you wear a suit made of FUCKING IRON!!! That shit's heavy, dude, and you should have thought of that before you tried to take on me, a guy who planned on pushing you over.

The Hulk - How has no one figured out that all you have to do to beat The Hulk is walk up behind Bruce Banner when he's in human form and shoot him in the back of the head? Jesus, a fucking child could have sussed that one out by now.

The Fantastic Four - I'm going to write a scathing review of their latest cinematic offering, thus influencing millions to stay away from the theater this weekend, thereby ensuring their economic downfall.

27 Comments:

Blogger Jeff said...

As one of your henchman, the smart one, I suggest we add Wilmer Valderama to the hit list now as a preemptive strike.

PS. I'm already plotting your overthrow so I can take over the evil operation.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

BRING IT OOOOWWWNNNN!!! You'll never best me; I'm the one with the cape, after all.

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dont forget yellow lego guy with the yello lego guts spewing out.

10:46 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

i don't think having kryptonite fists is normal. you might want to have that checked out. just sayin'.

10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you are gonna be a super villain, you need to take it seriously and you have a duty to slay even the lesser known Superheros like Yellow lego man with yellow lego guts spewing out. and you are right about batman. He is just a rich guy with lots of gadgets and stuff, but I do think his super hero suit is cooler then all the others. so not only is he rich, he is also very fashionable. He is like the donna Karan of superheros.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This may be jumping the gun a little bit, but I'm going to say that this is the funniest thing I've read today. Thanks for the laugh!

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

[sobbing] YOU BASTARD!!!!

11:05 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

"I'm the one with the cape"

Pulease! Capes are so 06. I've got a flame retardant suit.

11:06 AM  
Blogger lioux said...

Being a henchman, can I wear tight, bedazzeld costumes?!

11:08 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ok some problems

The FLash: Here's the only Superhero that can be beat by sticking your foot out as they run by.

When the Flash is at super speed he can vibrate his molecules so fast that he can pass through a wall... let alone your foot.

The Green Lantern: Easy. Take away his lantern.

Well.. maybe. All the Lantern does is recharge his power ring. So you need to take away the Lanern then hide for a couple days hoping he does not find you so his ring runs out of power. Then you have a chance.

11:08 AM  
Blogger stew said...

Dude, is Girlfriend ok with the wining/dining Wonder Woman thing? I mean I know it's in the name of world domination and she's probably down with that, but I'd get a pass on that beforehand. It'd suck to be the superhero with "cheating DICKBAG" written on all his clothes in Sharpie.

11:10 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Bill From Gainsville... But Yellow Legoman is terrifying! I don't know if I can fight him without peeing myself like a toddler in the mall. Then again, I really DO want to be the world's greatest Supervillain. Gotta man up, I guess.

Blythe... Nah, they're fine. A little itchy, but otherwise, it's all good.

Joe... Thanks, dude. You can be the Henchman that gives me compliments all the time.

Wonder Woman... Sorry, babe. But you knew I was evil when you said yes to the date. It DID say it on my T-shirt, so this is pretty much all your fault.

Jeff... Damn you and your flame retardents suit all shiny like the sun!

Lioux... Of course! You can be my Henchman with pizazz!!!

Midwesterner... See, this right here is why I have Henchmen in the first place: Research. I'm certainly not going to do it, but it needs to be done. Thanks for the heads up!

Stewpid... Yeah, she's down. I told her she could go out on a date with Brainiac to even the score. Plus, she's just as evil as I am, so it's all good.

11:15 AM  
Blogger quin browne said...

just don't touch my aquaman...got it?

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay so just to be clear...you are simultaneously looking for both a nemisis ("If you're feeling Sinister" posted 5/30) AND to defeat a superhero?

That day, I believe I told you that I would be more than happy to send you notes stained with watermelon juice and marshmellow crap with cut out letters threatening harm to you and your family.

Now, I'm one of your henchman. I've already got one of these letters all written up and ready to go. Should I still send it to you? Or am I now supposed to send it to one of these superheroes on your behalf? If so, which one?

OR better, yet I can still send it to you THEN you can in turn forward it along to one of them...like a bad chain letter.

I'm so conflicted!

11:22 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

This whole post was fucking great... I dont know why but the idea of hitting spiderman with a brick made me choke on my tea...

ahhhh good times.

-Jew

11:26 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Quin... Aquaman's first on my list because getting rid of him is like... wait for it... WAIT FOR IT... shooting fish in a barrel! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Gal Gotham... Oh... er... yeah, I'd sort of forgotten about that. Tell you what, how about you be one of my Henchmen who's secretly my nemisis, but I don't know it. That way, you can still send me threatening letters and it'll be all "the call is coming from inside the house," which should keep us entertained at least through the summer? Sound good?

Jew... Gracias, Jew. Sorry I made you choke, though. That's no fun. Also, Spider-man is a weenie.

11:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with you Jew. This was a great one...especially after watching Emo Spiderman in #3. You know he'd totally cry...

11:41 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Yeah, but what about the mighty Thorâ„¢?!! He's got a hammer.

I always thought Submariner was hot when I was little.

12:59 PM  
Blogger stew said...

Submarines are full of seamen. It's a fact.

1:20 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Gal Gotham... Yeah, they totally lost me with Emo-Spidey. And that's not even mentioning the out-of-nowhere dance number. Shame; I was a huge fan before all that, too.

Colleen... Damnit! I forgot about Thor. I guess I'll have to call on Elizabeth Shue and the rest of the gang from Adventures in Babysitting to help me with this one.

Stewpid... Heh heh... heh... heh...

1:25 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

Good One, Stiouxpid!

1:37 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I'll be your henchman, only if you let me 'take care' of Robin circa Chris O'Donnell era.

Hubba hubba.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

He's all yours, Tiger.

2:15 PM  
Blogger Alienwhere said...

Just be careful, man. I hear Wonder Woman's got invisible crabs, too.

2:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh good lord, this post killed me dead. The funniest thing I've read today by far. :D

Iron Man is like a turtle - if you get him on his back, he's screwed.

The way to defeat Yellow LegoMan is to give him a swift kick so he breaks into thousands of tiny Lego bits, and then scatter those bits to the ends of the earth and bury them in boxes lined with lead, so he can't be put back together for a really long time. *nods*

Oh, and hey, on the off chance that your fists aren't actually made of Kryptonite (not that I'm calling you a liar, mind) - you could always borrow Lex Luthor's sweet battle armor that has a different kind of Kryptonite (green, red, black, white, etc) in each knuckle. Because he's just that awesome.

2:58 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Alienwhere... Yeesh, thanks for the tip. Close one!

Giggleloop... Thanks, first of! Also, um, Lex Luthor and I are kind of fighting right now, so I probably won't be borrowing anything from him anytime soon. I don't want to get into what happened, but let's just say that one of us is right and the other one is a big, fat, stupid, bald, billionaire who can just go suck it.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Speaking of assaulting someone with a brick.

3:09 PM  

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