My Rise To Supervillainy

NOTE: I woke up this morning with a burning desire to become the world's greatest Supervillain. I know, who didn't? Still, I've decided that I'm going to follow through with it and, first thing on the agenda, is to take care of all these damn Superheroes that are cluttering up our planet. Because you're now all officially my henchmen, I'll let you in on how I'm going to do it.

Batman - Please. He doesn't even have any powers, unless we're counting "being a really rich guy" as a superpower these days (and if so, someone needs to keep an eye on Wilmer Valderama). He'll show up with all his Bat-a-rangs and Bat-o-hooks or whatever and I'll just shoot him with a rocket launcher. Because all the money in the world won't stop a rocket to the face. Unless he's got a Bat-o-Rocket-to-the-Face-Protector. Then I might be screwed.

The Flash - Here's the only Superhero that can be beat by sticking your foot out as they run by. Yeah, you might end up with a broken ankle, but can you imagine the crash-and-burn from a trip at that speed? Dude'd be a crimson skid mark stretched out for a mile and a half.

Aquaman - You know how I'd beat Aquaman? I'd go on land. Done. He'd be all, "Hey, come back in the water where I can use my fish powers," and I'd be like, "Come up here on the beach, Blondie, and I'll punch you once in the face as hard as I can and you won't be able to do anything except for cry because a big-ass shark won't be swimming by to protect you." Then he'd float back to Atlantis or something. Yep. That's how it'd go down.

The Green Lantern - Easy. Take away his lantern. Yeah, since that's like his "thing," he probably guards it pretty close, but no matter. Get ahold of that and suddenly Mr. Big Fancy Green Lantern turns into Mr. Guy In A Tight Jumpsuit Standing Around Looking Like An Ass Before He Gets Clobbered In The Face By His Own Green Lantern.

Wonder Woman - Because I don't hit girls, ever, I'd have to go at this from another angle. First I'd take her out on a fancy date, where I'd be my usual charming and magnetic self. Then I'd get myself invited up to her place for coffee, where I'd seduce her (which shouldn't be hard, seeing as how I'm romantic like a motherfucker). We'd make sweet, sweet Superhero-style love, making liberal use of the Lasso of Truth, and then, the next morning, I'd be a jerk to her and promise to call even though I didn't really mean it!!! She'd be heartbroken and, thus, unable to continue her crime-fighting ways, not to mention the fact that she'd be pregnant with my evil baby. Because Supervillain C-dog goes bareback (Muhaaah aaaaah aaaaaahh!!!!).

Spider-man - As much as I've enjoyed Spider-man over the years, I really get the feeling that he's the one Superhero that could be lured into an alley with the promise of free My Chemical Romance tickets, and then quickly dispatched with a brick to the skull. Spidey-powers or not, Peter Parker is a total wussbag.

Superman - Not a fair fight really, seeing as how my fists are made of Kryptonite. I've mentioned that before, haven't I? That my fists are made of Kryptonite? Because they totally are. Prove they're not; c'mon, I dare you.

Iron Man - Ha ha, what's the matter Iron Man? Can't get up off your back when you've been pushed over? Well, that's what you get when you wear a suit made of FUCKING IRON!!! That shit's heavy, dude, and you should have thought of that before you tried to take on me, a guy who planned on pushing you over.

The Hulk - How has no one figured out that all you have to do to beat The Hulk is walk up behind Bruce Banner when he's in human form and shoot him in the back of the head? Jesus, a fucking child could have sussed that one out by now.

The Fantastic Four - I'm going to write a scathing review of their latest cinematic offering, thus influencing millions to stay away from the theater this weekend, thereby ensuring their economic downfall.