Seeds... Of Doom?
I have a new addiction in my life; one that nicely fills the gap between liquor and cooking-based reality shows. It's this (or "these," rather):
Maybe it's because I dig the spitting aspect of eating sunflower seeds, or maybe it's because I have an oral fixation so powerful that if I didn't eat sunflower seeds all day, I'd chew on all my fingernails, pens, ketchup packets and possibly my keyboard, but whatever the reason, man, I'm hooked. This, of course, is in and of it's self not much of a problem. Yes, they are quite salty and, at this point, my body's sodium levels are so high you could probably sprinkle me on your french fries, but otherwise they're a perfectly acceptable mid-day snack. Besides, anything adopted by big-league baseball players everywhere can't be wrong (unless you're in the 80's and talking about cocaine).
Anyway, the fact that I eat them all the time and my trashcan looks like a mass grave in Bosnia, but for sunflower seed shells, isn't the issue. The issue is that, just a few minutes ago, I accidentally swallowed a couple of whole sunflower seeds. Shells and all. I hadn't even really gotten the chance to suck the salt off of them; a tragedy at least on the level of a really bad paper cut. What happened was, as I was popping a handful into my mouth, one of my office-mates said something funny and I laughed, inhaling as I did so, and down they went to the Land of the Lost, which is what I call my guts. Why? Well, I never really thought about it but, I guess, mainly it's because my guts are filled with Sleestaks. And, no, I don't know why that's the case and neither do the doctors. Look, that's really not the point...
The point is, I have a question for you, my faithful and filthy/gorgeous readers, and it is this: What in the all-fired hell are a couple of unshelled sunflower seeds going to do to my "workin's?" Should I just let it ride, so to speak? Should I induce vomiting like I'm Meredith Baxter-Birney in Kate’s Secret? Because if these things are going to be bouncing around my insides, tearing shit up like they're the evil ball-thingys from Phantasm, then I want them out, NOW.
So help a brother who's new to the sunflower seed game out. What's the happy-haps? Or some such.
Maybe it's because I dig the spitting aspect of eating sunflower seeds, or maybe it's because I have an oral fixation so powerful that if I didn't eat sunflower seeds all day, I'd chew on all my fingernails, pens, ketchup packets and possibly my keyboard, but whatever the reason, man, I'm hooked. This, of course, is in and of it's self not much of a problem. Yes, they are quite salty and, at this point, my body's sodium levels are so high you could probably sprinkle me on your french fries, but otherwise they're a perfectly acceptable mid-day snack. Besides, anything adopted by big-league baseball players everywhere can't be wrong (unless you're in the 80's and talking about cocaine).
Anyway, the fact that I eat them all the time and my trashcan looks like a mass grave in Bosnia, but for sunflower seed shells, isn't the issue. The issue is that, just a few minutes ago, I accidentally swallowed a couple of whole sunflower seeds. Shells and all. I hadn't even really gotten the chance to suck the salt off of them; a tragedy at least on the level of a really bad paper cut. What happened was, as I was popping a handful into my mouth, one of my office-mates said something funny and I laughed, inhaling as I did so, and down they went to the Land of the Lost, which is what I call my guts. Why? Well, I never really thought about it but, I guess, mainly it's because my guts are filled with Sleestaks. And, no, I don't know why that's the case and neither do the doctors. Look, that's really not the point...
The point is, I have a question for you, my faithful and filthy/gorgeous readers, and it is this: What in the all-fired hell are a couple of unshelled sunflower seeds going to do to my "workin's?" Should I just let it ride, so to speak? Should I induce vomiting like I'm Meredith Baxter-Birney in Kate’s Secret? Because if these things are going to be bouncing around my insides, tearing shit up like they're the evil ball-thingys from Phantasm, then I want them out, NOW.
So help a brother who's new to the sunflower seed game out. What's the happy-haps? Or some such.
posted by Clinton at 1:36 PM
45 Comments:
they will most assuredly take root and late this summer, you will open your mouth to find a sunny yellow flower where your uvula used to be. take pics and post, ok?
I hope you remember that emergency number you're suppossed to dial in this type of crisis to get paramedics to help you.
If you want I can look it up for you.
Stewpid... Will do. Also, thanks for the next month of hideously disturbing nightmares.
Lioux... 1-800-FLOWERS?
As the resident former baseball player, I feel this is certainly my area of expertise.
While playing club ball in the summer before my senior year, I made the mistake of diving for a ball up the middle playing shortstop. I had a mouthful of the salsa flavored seeds that I swallowed roughly half of. After the urge to vomit subsided (no real man wants to puke on the field) I ran across the same concern.
No worries, the shells appeared a day later and I was no worse for wear.
PS- worst baseball player oral addiction... the chubble. Chaw wrapped in bubble gum. Most disgusting thing I ahve ever had in my mouth!
You said: "my trashcan looks like a mass grave in Bosnia, but for sunflower seed shells"
Could you be more offensive? Seriously, making jokes about the plight of Bosnians is inexcusable. You should shut down your blog because I gaurentee no one will read it anymore. Or at least they shouldn't.
well. anonymous. thanks for killing the buzz. je-sus. i am so sick of you people who all seem to have the same name. or you're all just one person posting negative-ass shit on other people's blogs without having the courage to put your real name.
you lily-livered, yellow-belly chicken shit a-hole.
anyway, c. as a kid i could never figure out how to split the seed from the shell, so i used to just eat the whole thing. the only negative effects were on my esophagus and once, my rectum.
so, fear not.
yeah, come on, Clinton. Could you be more offensive? It's like you're not even trying.
ummm Anon in case you didnt read 'comedy for dummies' people who are funny are offensive..that's kind of the idea of being funny, to offend other people....
anyhoooooo i believe they go into the land of the unknown and may never return, honestly though im sure a few little shells wont do anything
Kate's Secret hahahahahaha. This totally beats out your knowledge of Designing Women.
You'll be fine ;)
~Irish
1-800-FLOWERS. That is priceless! And yea, i wasn't really offended enough... i mean graves in bosnia? I dont even know where bosnia is. The midwest somewhere? blah.
PS i wonder how anon got here, obv not by reading the blog a lot-- he/she must have been google image searching 'sunflower seed package.' So now we can all conclude sunflower seed eaters = not always good sense of humor.
;)
-Jew
Stewpid, we should start a co-blog called "I'm with Stewpid" and we could get t-shirts with arrows printed on them and everything.
Scott... Oh dude, that's fucking nasty. Although I like the sound of these Salsa flavored seeds... need to look into those.
Anonymous... Like it's my fault that Bosnian mass graves are comedy gold?
D... See, I'm really trying to avoid any rectum pain here. Like REALLY trying. So puking, then?
Stewpid... I'm so sorry. I thought my offensiveness levels were up to speed, but I guess I need to try harder. Um... Mexicans are lazy?
NYCponderings... Swear to god, I'm just sticking to fart jokes from now on.
Irish... What? We had to watch it in health class. And... also... I have it on VHS and it's my favorite movie ever right after Josie and the Pussycats. Like that's a bad thing.
Jew... See, my theory, at least in this case, is that Anonymous is actually the mysterious "banjo." But who knows, maybe it's a stalker.
Lioux... Don't you steal Stewpid from me!!!
Forgive me for asking, but could someone explain the plight of the Bosnians? And are we really sure they didn't have it coming anyway?
PS- Are slavery and the Kennedy Assasination still off-limits for humor? Cause I've got some doozies ready!
Irish people drink a TON of alchohol!!!! And they pop out lots of babies because they're all catholic so they don't belive in contraception!!!
LOL! stereotypes are fun because they are so true!! It's a good thing there are no stereotypes about the jews.
-Jew
i think we scared off dear Anon..and Anon's hateful wish of no one ever reading your blog again went unfullfilled! Score one to evil powers!
and I did a jewish princess joke once and got reamed in as$ for it, but um yeah slavery and kennedy, i think ab lincoln jokes might still be off limits then too
nycponderings- by the way, i always go straight to your blog and didn't ever look at your profile pic bigger than the thumnail that it is above, and always thought it was a penguin! haha, then i just looked harder and realized it's people.
Do you see the pengin? He has something in his beak.
I am so bored at work.
-Jew
oh, Clinton, you had me at old man smell.
(psst, Lioux: Totes. I'm in.)
Irish&Jew
OMG I can't stop laughing right now...everyone at work is staring at me.....HA too funny
you get what it is now right? lol, should I change it?
... still laughing
I'm also a seed addict. But I have to tell you man that if want some serious spitz you need to try the Giants brand. I buy them at giantseeds.com they have a great dill and a salt and pepper flavor. They rock!
nycponderings- no, now i totally get it!! I felt like such an idiot because i was like, wow she must really like penguins! lol! But i'm sure no one else sees it :)
I'm def cracking up at my desk, now i can hardly see the penguin anymore... i miss him. ;)
-Jew
...oh Jew, i am still laughing
I miss the penguin too now lol, we should have named him
Scott... As long as you don't live in Boston, JFK material is gold.
Stewpid... Old man smell is the biggest gun in my arsenal.
Anonymous (nice version)... Thanks for the tip! Dill seeds sound awesome.
Jew & NYCponderings... Can you ladies please find a way to bring this conversation back to me? Because, as I've stated earlier, that's what this blog is all about. Also, no joke, I thought it was a penguin too.
clinton- omg, did you really?! lol, i thought i was a weirdo.
oh wait, ahem... somehow that makes it even FUNNIER that YOU thought it was a penguin too!! because in the end, that's what this whole thing was about!!!! YOU!!!
there, I did it! :)
-J
and always thought it was a penguin!
I always glanced at it and thought it was one of those "war of the world" Tripods. Then again that is the nerd in me coming out.
Well it's a good thing you hate watermelons...swallow one of THOSE seeds and you're fucked.
I wouldn't worry bout it. Sleestaks will take care of it. Save the puking for when you make the rounds at all the fast food places and eat an entire pizza to top it off.
Can't wait to see what banjo has to say about this...
Oh and Bosnia is a small Midwest town...right on the Missouri/Iowa border, for real!
Clinton... That Anonymous person wasn't me. When I have something to say, you'll know it's me. I do agree with them a little that you should make light of such things, but at the same time it's about what we'd expect from you, so who cares.
midwestern gal- I KNEW IT!
-Jew
now im self conscious about my penguin
C- I feel like I need an update as so what is going in your unknown areas right now, where the seed shells are.....what are they dong? are they moving around? have they made an appearance? will they be able to start their own blog?
Jew... Thanks! My ego was shrivling up.
Midwesterner... Now that's all that I can see.
Gal Gotham... Those Sleestaks are a hearty breed; they should be able to take care of anything. Also, did you see how you called for banjo and he/she suddenly appeared??? You're The Banjo Whisperer!
banjo... Your thoughts are always welcome, here, banjo. Thanks for clearing up the confusion!
NYCponderings... Thanks for the concern (everyone else paying attention...)! At the moment, there's been no activity in my "workin's" but I'll keep y'all posted. Also, the seeds have been offered a first-look deal with Simon & Schuester for their tale of survival amongst the Sleestaks.
I can't believe its not a penguin.
~Irish
You'll be fine. They will wander around for a while in their perfectly clean flannel and denim running from stop-action animation until they run their course and we can all settle in and enjoy an episode of The Great Space Coaster (get on board).
i actually dont even get it being a penguin like i squint my eyes and look and i squint again, i mean i guess if i didnt know what it was to begin with...but, i digress...this is about C, and all about C and only C and C's life and his stomach's inner workings and I for one care more about C then i ever will some silly non exisistant penguin!!!
....ok so serioulsy, should i just change the picture to something else...or maybe start telling people its a penguin?
I see banjo people.
not a big seed guy here. too much work for too little payoff. i'm more of the pistachio sort.
Back to the seeds convo... I highly recommend the David's Salsa flavored seeds. Maybe its just a Texas thing but since you still have family here, maybe a seeds care-package is in order?
Avoid the BBQ and the Ranch flavors... wholly disappointing.
"That joke is lamer than FDR's legs!.... too soon?"
PS.... totally a penguin
you'll never be blocked
ever
invest in scott tissue stock...i am after reading this entry.
thanks for providing for my old.er age pension.
I missed all the fun.
Can we talk about Top Chef Season 3? Please?
You and me both dmbmeg, you and me both.
dmbmeg... Holy crap, yes we most certainly can!!! First, holla to my boy from Dallas winning the first Elimination Challenge. And second, I'm already sick of both the Asian Guy (who's not a fun villain, just an asshole) and the guy who has to mention in every other sentence that he's from New York, is a New Yorker and what he's doing is "how they do it in New York." Him in particular I want to hit with a frying pan.
I felt sorry for the first guy to get sent home.
He was soooo out of his element.
Dude! The guys at my new gig are all over sunflower seeds with cups being filled by the hour with empty shells...ewww for the workplace...delicious on the homefront.
See if you had picked me to be your arch nemesis I would say that you swallowing those seeds was my plan to make you paranoid about your insides getting all f’ed up, and that is why I started that Seeds of Clint’s Death Company. Now you are going to be having pooping paranoia.
Big Daddy... Totally. And he was a Sous-Chef, too! Must be a crappy restaurant.
Beehive... Ew. I'm polite enough to alway hit the trashcan with my "empties."
David... Millions of Americans suffer from Pooping Paranoia due to sunflower seed-related issues. Don't be a statistic. Wear a condom.
Oh and what about that chick taking food out of the trash can to serve.
Yick!
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