C-dog and Girlfriend On... The Mermaid Parade; Part Two

So, here we have the final installment of our dueling banjos-style take on Coney Island's Mermaid Parade. Please consult Part One, should you need a refresher course on just what in the all-fired hell is going on around here.

NOTE: Slightly more NSFW than last time, mainly for the picture at the very end. Just how NSFW will depend on your job's feelings toward pasties.



C-dog: As if they needed something to make Starbucks coffee even more unappealing. Something about a surly girl in a wig just doesn’t say “delicious cuppa joe” to me.
Girlfriend: Now see, I liked this costume…it showed ingenuity and flair. Also, you really have to have commitment to wear a costume you that you have to constantly “airplane” your arms to wear.




Girlfriend: Are they goth mermaids…or are they dominatrix mermaids? I’m confused.
C-dog: Whatever they are, they’re definitely a sub-species of mermaid that's really into My Chemical Romance. They also write a lot of poetry in ripped-up Strawberry Shortcake diaries and have elaborately-designed MySpace pages.
Girlfriend: I have for you, a gothmaid poem:

The algae is green, like my envy for the surface
My heart is that crud that makes seafoam smell bad
The ocean is dark, and wet, and dark
Apathy is a current

C-dog: Oh god… so tragic… pass me a clove cigarette…




Girlfriend: I feel like I met this guy on a Craigslist date. Costume included.
C-dog: (sigh) I’m trying to decide if the worst part of his outfit is the Duane Reade discount-Halloween-bin glitter mask, or the fact that he’s quite obviously wearing the same shorts as a referee at an ages 10-thru-12 soccer game. Still, he does have a rather sharp-looking comic book-y bubble quote on a stick… you got to give the guy credit for putting forth the effort in at least one aspect of his costume.
Girlfriend: Wearing an alien costume to a Mermaid Parade is a definite cry for help. Unless the guy argues that he’s dressed as an alien from an oceanic planet. But at that point I’d stop listening because he’s put way too much thought into a parade costume.




C-dog: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Looking at this woman makes me wish humans had never evolved eyes. She’s so… well, “jarring” is the only word I can think of that fits; she gives people the first ever cases of visual whiplash.
Girlfriend: I think she’s pretty. And she was the only person in the parade who paused long enough that I didn’t get whiplash trying to snap the photo. I love you, sea anemone lady! Call me!
C-dog: Where do you get pretty out of that?
Girlfriend: Well, I could say she looks like one of the multi-dicked sex monsters out of a violent hentai video. Tentacle rape, anyone?
C-dog: I was going to go with “Cthulu,” but I guess hentai’s probably more accurate, what with tentacles being at least somewhat nautical and all.




Girlfriend: At first you think someone took time out of their day to peel Metrocards off subway station floors and worked hard to sew them all together into plastic togs. However, I was in Kmart yesterday (buying some Preparation H for Clint) and saw the exact same outfits on sale. They even had Metro-cardigans for the family dog.
C-dog: This is kind of a sweet picture… family portrait, and all… but still I do take general umbrage with people who feel the need to flaunt their hobbies in public. I mean, yeah, it’s neat that you’re so crafty, but… um… you’re bumming people out because no one can figure out why someone would want to waste that much of their own time. Also, not that it’s anyone’s business, but I use the Preparation H on my wrinkles… it is beauty pageant season, after all.




Girlfriend: Awesome! It’s about time somebody dressed up as the ocean.
C-dog: Man, the Atlantic’s really let itself go.




Girlfriend: Let’s be serious for a moment and mention that Coney Island is going to soon be under construction. Many of the parade participants made political statements concerning the changes. You might not be able to notice, but this guy is on hunger strike.
C-dog: Male bulimia is not a joke, people.




C-dog: It’s the Rocky Horror logo’s more politically minded brother. Or sister, maybe? Do giant Teeth Popes have a gender?
Girlfriend: Doesn’t he remind you of the “Through the Hatch” obstacle on Double Dare? I kept expecting the guy to spit up an orange flag.

C-dog: Now see, this is where I feel bad… I don’t want to harsh on anyone for having a less than statuesque body because, let’s face it, I don’t exactly look like a sculpted hunk of marble when I’m bare-assed. Then again, I don’t go around on rollerblades wearing nothing but a pair of sparkly pasties either. Not that any of you will ever, ever know about, anyway.
Girlfriend: She’s my favorite. Ladies, when is the proper time to accept and love your body?

A. With the care and support of a significant other.
B. Through the guidance of a Bulimic 12-step program
C. Never, if you’re Catholic.
D. At Coney Island, during a parade, while shakin’ your flabby, pastied jugs.

The answer is not D. Never D.