Friday, June 29, 2007

My Legacy

I've been thinking a lot lately about the question of my legacy (I've mentioned my raging egomania before, right?). I know that I want to be remembered for many, many hundreds of years after my death; that's a given... I just don't know how, exactly, to go about it. The first instinct is that my legacy would, of course, be this very blog. Let's face it, there's some writing on here that's as likely to span the ages as Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet," or Hemingway's "For Whom The Bell Tolls, or at the very least, a really good joke written in Sharpie above a urinal in a bar. But I think we all know that the internet is going to burn itself in a swirling hellstorm of pornography opinions about the Harry Potter series within the next twenty years or so and, besides, having your greatest accomplishment on this planet be a blog is a lot like having sex with the hottest of your relatives... sure, it's still sex and sure, he or she's a looker, but it still makes you a twisted deviant.

Anyway, here's what I've been able to come up with as far as ideas for my legacy are concerned. I need feedback on this, people, because not only am I ridiculously self-centered, I'm indecisive as well and if it's up to me, it'll never get done. We don't want to deprive the people of Earth of the wonder and magic that is me, now do we? I'll answer for you: No. No we do not.

Ideas For My Legacy

Statue - As you can see from the picture up top, a large statue of me would be absolutely stunning. Majestic, really, and an inspiration to the millions of immigrants that make their way into our country every day. Not that I'm suggesting we take down a certain lady that's been wearing out her welcome in the New York harbor for like a million years... of course not. I'm just saying that if they did decide to mothball her, I've got a few ideas for what the city could do with the space.

Mural - As you've all figured out by now, I'm just unfairly handsome. It's a burden, but it's mine to shoulder and, hey, it beats walking through life looking like John Merrick or Matt Damon. Look, my point is, I have a face that begs to be rendered five stories high and in oils.

The Great American Novel - "Gravity's Rainbow," "Rabbit, Run, "A Catcher in the Rye," and... "The ZFS! Guide To Cheap Bars and Cheaper Women?" Well, maybe not that title exactly, but something along those lines. All that matters, really, is that I write something that's at least 300 soul-baring pages and uses lots of big words. Whatever it ends up being about, you know it will set the world ablaze, win me a Pulitzer Prize, and be adapted into a movie that will earn me an Oscar because, naturally, I will be playing the lead.

Titan of Industry - This, I'll admit, is a long shot. I don't have what anyone would call "good," or, "any" business acumen, nor do I have the drive and determination to work very hard at much of anything. A bit of an uphill battle, this one. Still, can't rule it out... I do have a few ideas for how I could wrestle control of the real estate market away from Donald Trump (they mostly involve running up behind him and hitting him with a sock full of door hinges), so I guess anything is possible.

Album - I'm not much of a singer. Nor can I play any instruments or read music or identify "the beat" or anything like that. Still, I think I could probably cut an album that would unify the the nations and teach all of our hearts how to smile. I mean, if Neil Young can do it, so can I. That's right, I just implied that I'm better at music than Neil Young. Wait, I'll go a step further... I'm better at everything than Neil Young. Neil Young cannot do anything at all that I can't do at least fifty times better, and I include actually being Neil Young in that statement. If I were to re-record Harvest right now, you'd want to punch Neil Young square in the face after just one listen. Fuck you, Neil Young. Fuck. You.

Clinton-esque - This would be perfect... having people describe wonderful things as being "Clinton-esque." Yeah, I could really get into that. The problem is, when you hear "Clinton-esque," you immediately think of our former President, Bill Clinton, followed by, to a lesser extent, George Clinton. I respect both of these men's achievements in the worlds of politics and doing drugs, respectively, but fuck them for having the same name as me because it's seriously fucking up my legacy plans. And, yes, I suppose we could all start referring to things as "Davis-esque," but that doesn't really have the same flow, and also, there's the Geena Davis, Miles Davis, Bette Davis, Jim Davis and Ossie Davis issues to take into account.

So that's what I've come up with thus far. At the moment, I'm leaning towards a big statue, but I'm open to suggestion. Please, help me help the world... any ideas?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about inventing an object, such as, oh I don't know...a toilet with the suction capacities of high powered vacuum, built in air freshener and iPod doc to down out the sound named after you?

You think of a name, then we'll get a patent for it.

10:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously C-DOG that rant about the album Idea and neil young slayed me. I will tell my children about you and ask that they in turn tell there children and so on, so that much like a politician that kisses thousands of babies and may occassionally experience throw up on his shirt, you C/Dog will have one family of FLorida people that will remember you through eternity. we will be your baby puke, I will make it part of our history to speak of C - dog and his rant on Neil young specifically through the generations of my family tree....That is how I will honor your neil young rant.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Kim & Dic said...

C- I suggest you go with some kind of reference in the bible..why cant jesus refer directly to you for advice in that thing?? I mean really, who wrote that book anyway? call up the writer, tell them to put your name in there....

10:42 AM  
Blogger Braden said...

Another idea for getting your name into the lexicon -- maybe you could come up with something that people would call the "Famous Davis". My suggestions are not limited to but would include:

- Wrestling Move
- Sub Sandwich
- Sexual Position
- Term used to describe stealing land from its native inhabitants (i.e. "... and that's when Cortez gave the Aztecs a real Famous Davis!")

Eh? EH???

10:53 AM  
Blogger lioux said...


My comment was originally:

Duh! Create a sandwich!

But Braden beat me to it!

10:59 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Gal Gotham... I'm not sure I want something that people poop in to be named after me. Look what happend to Johan Von Sebastian Shitter.

Bill... Wow! Hey, that sounds great. One state at a time, ya know. Glad you enjoyed me putting Neil Young in his place because, quite frankly, it's long overdue.

NYCpondering... That's not a bad idea in theory, but I don't know if I'm ready to step up to the "worship" level of egomania. I'm thinking I'm more comfortable with "awe-struck reference."

Braden... I love the sub sandwich idea. It'd have to be something so fatty that it took a year off your life every time you ate one, though. Also, we should find a way for it to make you drunk.

Lioux... Gotta be on the ball when B-dog's around.

11:22 AM  
Blogger d said...

what about starting your own tv show? you tube is making people famous left and right. i mean if that gay kid from tennessee or wherever can get famous by dogging on people's clothes in a not very funny way, surely you can become famous for videotaping yourself doing... something.

p.s. i hate you braden for stealing my sandwich idea. but it also spawned another one, start your own restaurant or fast food chain. and then you could name not only the sandwiches but the sides after yourself.

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not that I would recommend this, but you could always try to kill Ronald Reagan, to impress Linsay Lohan and her LM.

11:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is your middle name Booth or Harvey by chance?

11:35 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

D... This fast food establishment idea intruiges me. We can call it "C-dogs" and it will serve low-quality burgers at a high-quality price. Thus making me millions.

David... Yeah, I don't know if the assassination route is the way I want to go. Also, Ronnie's dead already, so that'd be no help.

12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah but that would earn you imortallity right there becasue no one has ever tried to kill a dead President. Besides I only said his name becasue I did not want the secret service hunting me down if I mentioned a live person. They are kind of touching about stuff like that, from what I hear anyway, so I was playing it safe for both our sakes, just in case you said that was a great idea then went and did something crazy, when you were on a drunken binge.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

What about being stuffed and put on display... like Union Square or something?

12:37 PM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

Or perhaps a drink that has all the alcohol in the world in it. Like a multicultural Long Island Iced Tea. A Taiwanese Iced Tea.

re: Neil Young: HELL YES.

12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about being stuffed

OR, what about being a stuffed animal or action figure of some kind...something highly collectible of course.

1:23 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

David... No worries about that. I can't get a gun because I'm an ex-con. (am I kidding?)

Midwesterner... Ew, and have all the Union Square junkies pee on me? No thanks. Although it's probably be karma for all the times I've been on things in public.

Cordelia... An excellent idea! Although I do have a drink named after me already... The C-Dog. Though I suppose it doesn't really count since it's not really so much a drink as it is just a big bucket of tequila.

Gal Gotham... Also a good idea; I could have real, life-like drinking action. And a kung-fu grip, naturally.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

I think you should find some snow, and pee your name into it. Thus securing your legacy. :)


1:46 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I loathe, loathe, loathe Neil Young.


How about writing a biography and making a movie about El Boring Boringson's heroin problem, and consequential rehab stint?

Oooh, or have a press conference saying you are responsible for crop circles.

As for the sandwich idea, make a sandwich, dip it in batter, and deep fry that puppy.

1:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of fried sandwiches - I found out that if you go see a Gateway Grizzlies game over on the East Side, you can get a Deep Fried White Castle. Mmmm. That sounds like good eatin', no?

2:17 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jew... While the stream of pee would be undountably strong and impressive, I don't think that's going to do much to forward my legacy once summer comes.

Big Daddy... El Boring Boringson isn't speaking to me anymore, sadly.

Giggleloop... God, I'm there. Sounds like a big plate of coronary thrombosis, but, you know... delicious coronary thrombosis.

2:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

allright just cause it was a funny riff ON and ABOUT Neil young it may be going a little far to hate the guy, I mean My goodness COMING TO AMERICA..... CLASSIC ..

2:56 PM  
Blogger Mr. Shain said...

So You Think You Can Dance Season 7 Champion?

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Neil Young was in an Eddie Murphy movie? *confused frown* Man, he gets around.

3:32 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

how about a dance move that wins so you think you can dance season 7? ooh, or maybe a figure skating stunt.

4:26 PM  

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