Thursday, July 19, 2007

Extreme Candy... To The Extreme!!!

Apparently, the Snickers Corporation (or whomever it is that puts out Snickers bars; I don't feel like looking it up) has released a new, limited edition hunk of sugar that they've dubbed the:

Because if there's one thought I've always had about the Snickers bar, it's that the damn thing just didn't make me want to jump out of a helicopter while strapped to a snowboard that's on fire and also the snowboard is really a live alligator. It had nougat, it had peanuts, it had caramel... but it didn't have anything that stimulated my adrenal glands until they exploded out of my neck, and I've really felt that that's a shame.

Finally, though, they've come out with the Snickers Xtreme (no need for three "E's" in this candy bar) and we as a nation can finally go about our BASE jumping secure in the knowledge that we'll have something lifestyle-appropriate to snack on while we wait for the paramedics.

Anyway, I don't really care or anything but... I don't know... I kinda thought we were past the whole "label everything as Extreme, or Xtreme, or XXXtremeeeee in an attempt to reel in the youth market" phase of our culture's advertising agendas. I mean, did it ever really work? You can pretend that, say, Dannon Fruit-On-The-Bottom yogurt is "crazy" and "hip" all you want, but that doesn't make it so, no matter how brightly colored the lightning-font graphics.

Also, and not to be over-analytical about something that's so unimportant, all of you have already forgotten what I was talking about, but how, specifically, is this Snickers bar extreme? Well, I did some research (ha, not really; someone told me), and it seems that, in this case, "Xtreme" equals "more peanuts, no nougat."

That's it.

I hadn't realized that nougat was the thing holding Snickers back from reaching it's true, extreme potential, but, turns out, totally the case. And, not to be picky or nothin', but eating a hard brick of caramel and peanuts that's been slathered in low-grade factory chocolate doesn't particularly strike me as an activity conducive to anything more extreme than changing the channel from VH1 to MTV.

But what do I know? I'm basically the human equivalent of nougat, at least as far as being un-extreme is concerned. And really, my point in all of this is that, no joke, I could go for a Snickers right now.


Blogger threetoedsloth said...

I got one of those once, and honestly couldn't tell the difference between the Snickers XTREEEEEEME and regular Snickers. But both are delicious!

4:03 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

You know, I came up with the best idea for Snickers back in high school:

Add banana!

I was eating a banana at the same time I was mawing a Snickers and it is a great combo.

Everyone should try it.

It's like a banana split, minus the ice cream [although the nougat is kinda, vaguely, like ice cream in that recipe.

Oh, and yah, 'Extreme' is so 20th century.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

They should not have used a ridged knife to cut the snickers in this ad. Looks v. tacky.

XTREEEEMEEly tacky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



5:22 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

It's like there's a marketing department in my mouth, and everyone's coasting!

6:43 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

x-treme candy only make me x-treme fat. also, snickers belong in freezers. trust me. especially when you have no air conditioning. mother's milk during summer.

7:16 PM  
Blogger Quin said...

frozen milky way.

and snickers.

oh, yeah.

10:04 PM  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

I think this is the most amount of words ever dedicated to a Snickers Bar. Ever.

12:19 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Sloth... I'm going to try to find one today; curiosity's got the better of me, I'm afraid.

Big Daddy... So going to eat the aforementioned Snickers with a banana. Genius idea.

Jew... I'll alert the makers of their tackiness.

Braden... Taste the not-trying!!!

Blythe... Preaching to the choir. I will ONLY eat Snickers that have been frozen; that makes them awesome.

Quin... Never been a fan of Milky Ways. They're just Snickers without the peanuts, right? Which, gross.

Meg... I like to think of myself as the Thomas Pynchon of useless crap.

8:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, I actually think that this, much like the Baconator looks good. But I agree, nougat is essential!

9:15 AM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

i think that they just made a huge batch of snickers bars without nougat on accident, and decided that they would market them as XTREME to the youth market instead of eating the cost of their fuck up.

i'm sorry. without nougat, it's not a snickers.

9:39 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I could really use a Snickers Xtreme with a Gatorade Xtremo to wash it down right now.

10:46 AM  
Blogger stewpid said...

I went on a junket once to Canyon Ranch, which is like a swanky deprivation spa. The first thing I packed -- the the first thing I unpacked -- was a bunch of Snickers. That's a perfect menu for any occasion. But I'm not trying Xtreeeeeeeeme Snickers because I don't want to end up shooting crack into my eyeball at 5 am with strangers. I mean, with something this extreeeeeme and edgy, you're definitely going to get AIDS. I'm sticking with plain, safe Snickers regular.

11:12 AM  

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