The Man-Crush Report

NOTE: Despite the fact that I'm heterosexual and have a girlfriend whom I've been dating for two years this coming Tuesday, I will from time-to-time develop what's known as a"man-crush" on certain celebrities who are... how shall I put this...? Ah, I know, "who are ridiculous studs." Rarely is it someone typical... a George Clooney or a Peyton Manning or whomever is comparably at the top of their game. Nope, C-dog's taste in men tends to be a little left of center (or, in one of the below cases, right of center). So without further explanation, here's the current crop of...

C-Dog's Man-Crushes: July Edition

Gordon Ramsay



Occupation: Chef, Reality Show Host/Judge, Sexy Bully
Why I'd Go Gay For Him: The man just oozes masculinity, which is a quality that I find attractive seeing as how my lifelong love of musicals and the various theatrical arts has left me with an inability to ooze much of anything other than a faint whiff of, "are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in a pretty, pretty dress?" Ramsay also swears a lot, cooks amazing food (or so I hear; I certainly can't afford to eat in his restaurants), and has absolutely no compunction with regards to telling people exactly what's on his mind. Some, I think, see him as a mean, awful person who lives only to tear down the psyches of others. That's not quite it. While he does yell and scream and have, at times, unreasonably harsh standards, it's all because he never stops striving for the best in everything and anything on which he stamps his name. He bullies because he cares, and that's what makes him my kind of guy. Also, I get the impression that he's got just an enormous wang. Call it a hunch.

Shawn Green



Occupation: Right-Fielder (NY Mets)
Why I'd Go Gay For Him: Besides the fact that he's easy on the eyes, I'm not 100% sure why I dig the man so. He's a good ballplayer, for sure, but he's not, nor ever will be, a superstar. Though maybe that's it... maybe it's the consistency that I like; his good fielding, his generally above average BA (currently .271, but it's been higher this season), his occasional moments of glory, such as the walk-off home run in the bottom of the 11th against the St. Louis Cardinals. I tend to always root for the team or the player that isn't constantly in the spotlight, if only because it's that much sweeter when they manage to shoulder their way into the public's consciousness every now and again, and I'm sure that that's why he's on my list. It should also be noted that Shawn Green is one of the very few Major League baseball players that is of the Jewish faith. I don't think this particularly has anything to do with my man-crushiness, but it's still worth mentioning all the same.

Chris Hansen

Occupation: Television Host, Perv-Buster

Why I'd Go Gay For Him: He's handsome in a Troy McClure sort of way, but that's not the reason why he makes me totally want to consider a lifestyle change. No, it's because the man has absolutely got the biggest set of clanking, swinging, brass balls I've ever seen. Metaphorically, of course. Chris Hansen's job is to walk up to people and call them out, on camera, for wanting to molest children. Sound easy? I'm positive that it's not. I know that, personally, I have a hard enough time confronting a co-worker when they've stolen my soda out of the communal fridge; I can only extrapolate that my queasy uncomfortableness in that situation would reach epic heights of spazzing out were I also to inform my co-worker that I knew he was intending to drink that soda, then go attempt to have sex with a thirteen year old girl. I don't know how he does it, but I do know that I want him to always handle any sort of confrontation for me, forever.