Friday, March 23, 2007

Quizno's: The Final Verdict

I went with my friend Amy to Quizno's for lunch today because, apparently, I hate my stomach and I want to treat it in as shabby a fashion as possible. Also, I figured that I should give the big Q one more shot after the effusive praise it was shown here (in the comments section). Perhaps I was wrong, I thought... perhaps I've been bad-mouthing a fine sandwich shop for years without any cause or provocation.

Turns out, no. I was right the first time.

I got the "Turkey, Bacon & Guacamole" sub and it was easily one of the most disappointing sandwich experiences that I've ever been party to. And as you can imagine, I've eaten a lot of sandwiches in my day. So let's break down the badness, shall we?

The crimes:

Dressing Abuse - Low-quality Ranch dressing and even lower-quality, possibly-found-in-a-meteor-that-fell-to-Earth, guacamole should be kept to a minimum, not slathered on so thick you could use the run-off to lubricate farm machinery. My original condemnation of "gloopy" still stands.

Old Bacon - I love bacon. Like, to a scary degree. I would make out with bacon. I'd marry bacon and make an honest smoked meat out of it. It takes a lot to get me to not eat bacon and yet, somehow, Quizno's had me picking all of it off my sandwich by the second bite. I'm certain that this bacon was, at one time, freshly cooked. However, I'm also certain that that time was the late 80's.

Flavorless Meat - I've eaten take-out menus that tasted more like turkey than the turkey in this sandwich.

Bread - The bread was okay.

So, there you go. And now, let's end the suspense...



Blogger Jeff said...

I'm with you on this one. I'd rather eat your edible, jerky hat than something from Quizno's.

3:07 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

Lies. All lies.

3:10 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jeff... Hell, I'd rather eat a regular, non-jerky hat than another one of those abominations.

Lioux... Lies? Or is it just so true that you can't STAND IT???

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I were a canibal I would only eat the part of humans that could be made into bacon. I think it's the belly part.

Mmmmm, human bacon.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

My creepy Girlfriend, everybody...

3:40 PM  
Blogger Ruth said...

Dear god, you live in New York! You should never ever be eating sandwiches at Subway or Quiznos when you have a corner deli on virtually every block!

Please, please try Melissa's Gourmet Deli on 63rd and B'way.


5:17 PM  
Blogger Chuck said...

I went to a Quizno's once and all I can say is that any restaurant with a serve-yourself soda fountain in it should not legally be able to charge $10+ for a sandwich. In a sense, Quizno's raped me. I'm thinking of pitching my story idea to the people at Lifetime's Movie of the Week. I will be played by a young Meredith Baxter-Bierney and Wilfred Brimley will star as the harsh, uncaring Quizno's manager who charged me $12.50 for a six-inch chicken parmegana sandwich and a drink, even though I only had $10.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ruth... Yeah, I know, I know... for the record, I do visit the deli quite a bit; it's just that the one by my office is always jammed at lunch time. And, gee, the Quizno's isn't. Wonder why?

Hoosier Joe... Can you maybe hook me up with a cameo as the cruel, unbelieving police officer who's secretly a puppet for the Quizno's manager? I can sneer on command.

8:42 AM  
Blogger ellagood said...

i ate at a quizno's once and found a bug in my salad.

so i never got around to eating an actual fucking sandwich.

2:34 AM  
Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

How about trekking over to your local friendly Cosi establishment for lunches?

9:12 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ellagood... Ew. When I was in high school, my girlfriend at the time found a roach cooked into her fried chicken at Popeyes. And yet, I still eat at Popeyes, so that tells you the kind of guy I am.

Beehive... Dude! Love the Cosi. There isn't one near my office though (to my knowledge). Awesome tuna sandwich.

11:29 AM  

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