Bite Me, World!
Maybe it's because I'm hungover, or maybe it's because it's totally blah outside, or maybe it's because I wore a sweater today and it's currently hotter than Baptist hell in my office but, whatever the reason may be, I'd like to cordially invite the entire world to bite me. Yeah, that's right... I said it... today, it's me against everybody. Bring it on, humanity!!! I'm spoilin' for a fight of global proportions!!!
Oh god my head hurts so bad... who am I kidding... I couldn't fight a toddler in this condition, let alone a world full of jerks. Let me tell you this, kids, alcohol is an evil, evil thing. It's forged by hate-filled madmen in a subterranean lair so dank and so foul, it makes the bathroom in Trainspotting look like an inviting, French meadow where the air smells like falling in love and the sunshine feels like an erotic massage. Alcohol is pure, uncut sorrow. It's snake venom jacked up with wasp-stings and broken fingers. It's grim death, in liquid form.
Ironically, the one thing that would more than likely make me feel better is a Bloody Mary; one that's brutally spicy and served in a container large enough to qualify as a gazebo. But, since I can't have a Bloody Mary right now (stupid job), I'll just sit here and peruse the daily headlines, trolling for solace from this cruel, mean world. I'm sure there's something here that will restore my faith in humanity and make me feel like every little thing will turn out just fine. There's just gotta be. Because, as they said in that one movie that I can't currently remember the name of, "It can't rain all the time."
Yeah. Okay. Breathing deeply now. We're going to get through this. We're going to be just fine!
Oh... wait... NEVER-FUCKING-MIND!!!
Oh god my head hurts so bad... who am I kidding... I couldn't fight a toddler in this condition, let alone a world full of jerks. Let me tell you this, kids, alcohol is an evil, evil thing. It's forged by hate-filled madmen in a subterranean lair so dank and so foul, it makes the bathroom in Trainspotting look like an inviting, French meadow where the air smells like falling in love and the sunshine feels like an erotic massage. Alcohol is pure, uncut sorrow. It's snake venom jacked up with wasp-stings and broken fingers. It's grim death, in liquid form.
Ironically, the one thing that would more than likely make me feel better is a Bloody Mary; one that's brutally spicy and served in a container large enough to qualify as a gazebo. But, since I can't have a Bloody Mary right now (stupid job), I'll just sit here and peruse the daily headlines, trolling for solace from this cruel, mean world. I'm sure there's something here that will restore my faith in humanity and make me feel like every little thing will turn out just fine. There's just gotta be. Because, as they said in that one movie that I can't currently remember the name of, "It can't rain all the time."
Yeah. Okay. Breathing deeply now. We're going to get through this. We're going to be just fine!
Oh... wait... NEVER-FUCKING-MIND!!!
posted by Clinton at 9:19 AM
10 Comments:
Wasn't that The Crow? I know there was a song on the soundtrack called "It Can't Rain All The Time"....
Maybe you can take a Bloody Mary businessman's lunch..?
Wow, are you actively looking for things that will shake your faith in humanity?! Or did you just stumble onto the dead deer sex? LMAO
I hope your hangover isn't the result of mixing beer with Lucky Charms.
i'm not exactly sure how you stumble across dead deer sex unless you're tom green, but i salute you nonetheless.
and yes, it was the crow.
That man was only caught after he shot a horse to have sex with it!?!?!?!?!?!?!
My eyes are now hyper at the thought.
3 PM is the magical hour, when all hangovers end.
I do not go looking for deer sex-related articles. Deer sex-related articles go looking for ME!
Also, I still have a RIDICULOUS headache and I wish that someone would put me out of my misery.
I bet in Silicon Valley you can order a mixed drink called a "Server Crash".
I'd try to make one, but it'd probably just be a Bloody Mary mixed with a couple of Intel Core Duos.
Naw, the Server Crash consists of:
1 part Gin
2 parts Google
Stir well and pour over ice. Garnish with a nerd.
Clinton, as it is now past 5 P.M. EST, I hope you've taken corrective actions. Incidentally, I blogged about yours (and my) curse (i.e. booze) here.
"The Server Crash". Heh heh, I like that. My recipe would be:
3 parts Mountain Dew
4 crushed No-Doze
2 parts Tequila
Serve in a glass rimmed (ha ha, I said "rimmed") with toner cartridge ink on a Microsoft Technet CD coaster.
Mountain Dew! The key ingredient, truly; I've never known a computer type who wasn't a slavering MD addict.
Thanks for the shout out, by the by.
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