Monday, March 19, 2007

I Haven't Seen 1-Through-299, But...

I finally got around to seeing the ultraviolent "Best Abs" contest known as 300 this weekend. I thought it was pretty good, all things considered; it certainly looked fancy and, as always, I'm a big fan of movies that feature many, many, many beheadings. It was, in general, very rousing and it made me seriously consider purchasing a gladiator outfit until I realized that me wearing it would only lead to Girlfriend choking on her own laughter-induced vomit.

If I have to nitpick (and make no mistake, I do have to nitpick), my problems with 300 were these:

- I'm so not a fan of using modern rock music in historical epics that, when the crunchy guitars and thumping baseline kicked in during a particularly over-dramatic ship-wrecking scene, I caused a hurricane in Malaysia because I rolled my eyes that hard.

- They had to fight a rhinoceros? Really? Well that's just comical. Silly rhinoceros!

-I think they were shooting for "exotic-looking" with the main bad guy, but they ended up a lot closer to "West Village cabaret performer" than anything else.

- Wait... did that fat guy have swords for arms? I... um... what? I'm going out on a limb here and say that that's probably not 100% historically accurate.

- So, what with the leather jockstraps and sweaty fight scenes and all, I'm just going to assume that the set smelled exclusively like balls throughout the entire production. No wonder the extras look so pissed all the time.

Otherwise, it was good fun. Very stabby, if you like that sort of thing.


Blogger lioux said...


I Love, Love, Love, gladiator films!

And I've seen a grown man naked.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Who hasn't. Parenthetically, I'm not allowed in the men's locker room at the gym anymore.

(Ha ha! Like I ever go to the gym!)

1:11 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

Where is everyone today?!

1:17 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Hmm... dunno. I'm just going to assume that they all hate me now, but only because it gives me an excuse to curl up under my desk and have a good cry.

1:22 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

We all need that release from time to time.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

I'm here! smells like balls, you raped a man in the locker room... you enjoy crying... did i forget anything?


1:45 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Who cares? Jew cares!

And, just for everyone's information, the cry was very theraputic and I know feel like... eh... at least 325 bucks!!!

1:56 PM  
Blogger i like cheese said...

I'm reading this whilst eating lunch and now I can't stop thinking that my salad tastes like sweaty balls. Thanks. ;)

2:08 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

Darn it dude, I'm here too, and with me is a link to my review of 300. I'd like to consider it my Siskel to your Ebert, but you don't wear glasses and I'm still alive:

2:09 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Cheese... Hey, I do what I can. Though maybe you want to not use Paul Newman's Sweaty, Sweaty Balls salad dressing in the future.

Braden... You only THINK I'm alive. Oooooh... did I just blow your MIND????*

*Yes, I did!

2:21 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

I am so amused by all of this. Your review, your usage of "stabby," Lioux's ref to the pervy man in Airplane!, and generally thinking about the gayness of gladiators.

2:22 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Thanks! Yeah, though it wasn't explicit by any means, there was a pretty strong undercurrent of gayness running through the whole of 300. Their outfits, such as they were, were just a little too "put together" to be hetro. They can call it "hyper-stylized" all they want, but we know the truth.

2:39 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...


You should see 'Hercules Vs. The Moonmen'.

Totally gay.

Another '300' review here.

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your review has confirmed for me that I don't actually need to see this film. The story of the battle of Thermopylae is one of my favorites but I am not a fan of comic books or, generally speaking, movies based on comic books. I did enjoy Sin City, though (once I finally broke down and saw it). I was conflicted but I now know that it is what I feared it would be: an overly slick 2 hour long music video loosely inspired by the events at Thermopylae. Thank you for the heads-up. Maybe one day there will be a good movie based on this story.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you hear that Zack Snyder is supposedly doing The Watchmen next? My inner comic book geek quivers with antici...pation. :D

7:55 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Yeah, I did... I'm a little wary of that, if only because I think The Watchmen is a story that needs to be told juuuuust so and I'm not a hundred percent sure that Zack Snyder's the man for the job.

We'll see, I guess. I was more excited when Terry Gilliam was attached, back in the day.

9:11 AM  
Blogger Black 17 said...

I thought 300 was great, and made me want to kill some guys on the way out of the theater, kinda like Fight Club. This is the mark of a good dude movie.

11:46 AM  

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