Thursday, May 07, 2009

Unique Mother's Day Gifts

-Break her vacuum so she doesn't have to vacuum the house anymore. When she cries about her vacuum, that's when you bust out the brand new broom! Tie a festive, pink bow around the broom to really show you care.

-Finally authorize that Do Not Resuscitate order.

-Kill your father, but replace him with a handsome male prostitute that you pay to give your Mom the complete "Husband Experience." For the rest of her life, she'll be fake-married to a piece of rough trade named Lester, but at least that son of bitch father of yours will finally be rotting in the ground!!! Haha, if only he could have seen the look on his own face when you strangled him with that telephone cord... teach him to miss your swim meets because he had to "work night shifts" to "support his family" because he "loved us all so much." Swim meets were your LIFE, dude...

-A hug, you cheap bastard.

-Classy thongs.

-Lotto tickets are always good... worst case, she wins nothing but enjoys the tactile sensation of scratching something with a dime; best case, she hits the jackpot and you get half or you'll push her down the stairs. Make sure she understands the part about the stairs, Mr. Millionaire.

-You're not making her do your laundry... you're letting her. And if she forgets to add the fabric softener like you like, you'll let her see how she likes sleeping in the garage.

-Sometimes, just a phone call is all it takes to brighten her day. Particularly if she knows that the prison only lets you have one a month.

-When you bring her her weekly booze delivery, just this once make it top-shelf.

-Let her adopt your friend Joel for the day so she can at least get a taste of what it would be like to have a successful son who doesn't steal money out of her purse.

3 Comments:

Blogger Cray said...

Its not always the purse....

12:42 PM  
Anonymous Mark Boddeker said...

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. Merry Christmas and Best Wishes for 2010

2:42 AM  
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