Swine Flu: Fact & Fiction

I know everyone is scared of this whole Swine Flu thing and is unsure of what to do and also I heard that Ms. Piggy has been dragged from her home and strung up in the town square as an example to all other pigs, felt or not, but... folks... you all need to calm down. Your best friend and most-trusted giver of information/infotaiment/fake prescriptions is here to guide you through this national nightmare.

Using the finest minds in science (my own, plus these dudes I know that work down at the Lucky Mart and know shit about aliens), I have compiled a thorough, completely correct, pleasant smelling, and accurate like a motherfucker list that separates the Swine Flu facts you need to know from the Swine Flu fiction that can just go fuck itself. Reading this list will make you better educated on the subject, a more appealing lover, and for fifteen minutes after you finish reading the last sentence, you'll possess the power to move small objects with your mind. Remember though: With great power comes... er... something... I don't know... a kick-ass car, I think. Whatever, not important. Here, now...

Swine Flu: Fact & Fiction

FACT - Swine Flu jumped from pigs to humans because SOME people like to have sex with pigs. Not pointing fingers, here... I'm just saying that they know who they are and should be very ashamed of themselves. (Okay, look, it was your Dad. I didn't want you to find out this way.)

FICTION - Vials of Swine Flu can be used as mixers in a host of fabulous girls-night cocktails. You should never drink vials of Swine Flu, even if you do mix it with enough Everclear to stop the heart of a Clydesdale. You CAN, however use vials of Swine Flu to thicken runny soups and/or spice up a hearty batch of 5-Alarm Chili. The Hanta virus, by the by, DOES make an excellent mixer... particularly when paired with a decent-quality rum... but you have to go to Africa to get it. Hassle!

FACT - New cases are being reported every day, even in places with a lot of rich, white people. Believe me, no one is more shocked than the rich, white people. They thought... being rich and white and all... that they were immune to anything beyond the occasional migraine or bout of Tennis Elbow. Nope... they're taking it in the neck right along with the rest of us. Which is hilarious. When they start wasting away, we should rob them. Bring a surgical mask though. Because... you know... Swine Flu.

FICTION - This is all the Mexicans fault. Why are you so racist, dude? Just because you think you saw a Mexican hitting on Becky that one time doesn't mean you get to hate them as a people. That's just... well, it's not cool. Besides, they brought burritos into the world. How could you blame the creators of the burrito. But seriously though, don't go to Mexico. Swine Flu by the barrel full down there. Also, drug gangs that will stab you in the heart. Bad place. I mean, burritos, but still.

FACT - Every time you write "Swine Flu," you accidentally write either, "Swing Flu," or "Swine Flue." So fucking annoying. It makes you feel like your hands are full-on retarded and then you start wishing your hands were never born. And since they're basically like your girlfriend now, it's... well, it gets complicated.

FICTION - "Swine Flu" is a hilarious name for your just-formed punk/ska/emo band with Mathcore influences mixed with a little Johnny Cash, because Johnny Cash was the MAN. Wrong, Trevor. Topical band names are never funny, plus they're outdated and lame after a couple of news cycles, or as soon as everyone's attention is pulled away by Lindsay Lohan showing her vag again, which ever happens first.

FACT - Swine Flue is the beginning of the end of the world. Yeah, probably. I mean... maybe it's just because I'm a nerd or whatever, but... getting a pretty strong "Captain Trips" vibe off all this. Maybe it's time to reread The Stand again... pick up some tips and strategies for the months ahead. See you in Colorado. Or Vegas, if that's your thing.