Monday, April 06, 2009

Arbitrary Rulings 22 (Decades Edition)

The 1950's - A great decade to be alive, provided you were white, could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you'd never even HEARD of the Communist party, and it probably helped things immensely if you were just boring as all get-out. I mean, sure, there were pockets of seediness and debauchery... Bettie Page sprung forth from the 50's netherworld, after all, and as I understand it there was a quite a bit of heroin to be had if you knew the right way to knock on the back doors of various Jazz clubs. But still... by and large... everything was very post-war shiny and freshly-mowed grass and smiling Dads lighting a fresh pinch of Borkum Riff while Mom (in pearls) makes a pot roast using nine pounds of butter and a full jar of lard. So the food was delicious, but otherwise... blah. As bland and colorless as their television.
The 1960's - Yeah, yeah... peace and love, letting the sun shine in, Timothy Leary slipping us all LSD as we sobbed over Kennedy's corpse. We get it (because you keep reminding us); the 60's where the greatest decade ever . The decade where IT ALL CHANGED because naked chicks rolled around in an upstate NY muddy field for a few days. You know... a lot of good stuff came out of the 60's; The Beatles, it being okay to have loose morals, Rosemary's Baby, etc. But honestly I think I would trade it all in if it meant I didn't have to listen to leathery sacks of bong resin talk about how, "we ended a WAR with MUSIC, man." At this point, it's like, seriously, that's awesome that you did that one thing that one please go back to your organic farm outside of Portland or I will beat you to death with one of your $200 hemp sandals. You smell like a compost heap farted patchouli oil and it's stinging my eyes.
The 1970's - How could you NOT like a decade that gave us The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, "The Boys are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy, and the last years of baseball before free agency made the whole thing sort of no fun (unless you like watching millionaires whine about hurt toes). Honestly, though, I think any appreciation we have for the 70's comes from the residual nostalgia put forth by films like Dazed & Confused; nostalgia that is, it should be pointed out, manufactured out of whole cloth. Because I'd be willing to bet that the 70's weren't really as awesome as they looked... I bet they were basically just like now, but instead of surfing the Internet all the time, you got to make out with girls who heard about the loose hippie morals we were talking about earlier and decided to give it a whirl, and the drugs were relatively safe, and AIDS didn't exist, and Star Wars hadn't yet been raped by greed and... er... hang on... so... who's up for finally conquering time travel? I'll bring a wrench and some Diet Dr. Pepper if you'll bring a physics textbook and Stephen Hawking's phone number on speed dial.
The 1980's - This is where I come into the picture, so OBVIOUSLY things are much better from here on out. Yep, on August 6th, 1980, the world was blessed with a little bundle of Texan joy named C-dog... and nothing was ever the same again. Also, everyone made some really unfortunate fashion choices and bands with names like "Haircut 100" and "Bananarama" became, not popular exactly, but present enough to where they STILL get mentioned on Vh1 every once in a while. I remember that I spent quite a bit of my time during the 80's laboring under the assumption that one day I'd grow up to be a fireman or a marine biologist or perhaps a marine biologist that put out fires in his spare time... ah, the heady days of youth, with all the vigorously avoiding the outdoors and the memorizing cheat codes of the NES that that implies. I was so very pale... an embarrassment of nerdy riches... a tabula rasa for braces, glasses, acne, and shame yet to come. OH, REMEMBER THE GHOSTBUSTERS CARTOON?!?! That was so awesome. Not to mention that guy whose sister's best friend's cousin had a kid in her class that slashed his wrist with a Slap Bracelet. Good times.
The 1990's - I think it's only natural that one would think of the decade where he came into adulthood as "the best," particularly if said person managed to get laid during that ten year span. So, needless to say, I'm a big fan of the 90's... I grew from an awkward young lad to a chubby, horror-loving nerd but, most importantly, I HAD A CAR! And I was blessed to be a part of the one high school in America where the drama department was actually regarded more highly than the football team. Certainly made my life easier, though I imagine that our QB spent his four years there desperately searching for the magic wardrobe that lead away from this crazy-go-nuts bizarro world. Anyway, you were around, so you know what was up... Nirvana, of course, Jane's Addiction, and "How Bizarre" by OMC, and so much flannel it was like we were all loggers for a few years, and The Simpsons, and you couldn't get any cooler than hanging around a coffee house that overcharged for espresso but it was okay because you were SO TOTALLY "a Chandler." Also of note, at this point in my life, my dreams hadn't been kicked to death by reality. Hope! Boy, that takes me back...
The 2000's - Dunno. Not over yet. But not great so far. I mean some stuff has been cool... but... eight years of George W. Bush and now we're heading back to selling apples from a cart while we wear barrels and someday soon we might be spinning the wheel in Thunderdome, raggedy man, and so forth. I don't know. This last year and a half better contain some WICKED-ASS shit. And not just like an iPod that's also a taser. I'm talking Hoverboards, bitches. And sex robots. Actually, just the sex robots would be fine. Otherwise, I'm calling this decade a non-starter and we'll pick it up in 2010. I bet BY THEN we'll have sex robots.


Blogger Ross said...

I think that the 90s were just a more hopeful version of the 70s, but that's probably because I can't remember the 70s.

8:57 PM  
Blogger bob zombie said...

ok, so i've been gone for a while, and now that i'm back i noticed you've moved from ny to texas. how are you liking it?

9:34 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Lived it up during the 70s to 80s transition years. Very cool time to be alive in my opinion.

2:30 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

What we need is some more of those Hippy chicks throwing the vajajay around here in the 20 least until the sex robots are invented.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, they predicted that by 2050 robotics will have advanced to where you can't tell the difference between having sex with a robot or a human. Opens up all sorts of possibilities for adultery.

9:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The '70s gave us Van Halen and the Boss. The Stones, the Allman Brothers and the Dead were just hitting their stride. Granted, I had more fun in the '80s, but musically, it's been more or less downhill since then.

3:38 AM  

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