Movie Poster A Go-Go
Dogs... kids... Robin Williams... John Travolta... AND it's backed by Disney? Holy shit, guys, it's the PERFECT STORM!!! Of shitty, shitty movies!!! I mean really... just what the fuck are they trying to pull here? I hate to break it to them, but releasing this is going to be bad for Hollywood in the long run because, once people see it, they're all going to just give up on movies altogether. It's kind of like when you're craving Twizzlers, so you go buy a jumbo drum of Twizzlers at Costco and eat the whole thing during a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit marathon and then for the rest of you life you can't think of Twizzlers or Richard Belzer without getting queasy and having to lie down. This much obnoxiousness packed into one film is going to make all other films seem like day-old grocery store sushi that's been sitting out in the sun all day cozied up to some really mayonnaise-y potato salad, i.e. things to be avoided at all cost. Because you never know... you might have to watch two old men mugging with a Bull Mastiff and a precocious ten year old again, and you don't want that... god... you couldn't stomach that again...
I like it when they make movies about my hobbies. This must be the third sequel in the vaunted "C-dog Trilogy," preceded by Rarely Putting on Pants and Watching the Food Network While My Dreams of Literary Stardom Die Off in Increments Over in the Corner.
Away We Go
How "indie" is this movie? SO indie. With it's illustrations and it's uber-slacker John Krasinski all bearded up, and a screenplay by Dave Eggers. So indie, it could be a band in Williamsburg. So indie, it could probably score with Chloe Sevigny. So indie, it's making me shit blood right now; I've been anally raped by it's indie-ness, THAT'S how indie this poster is. And what's insulting is that I'm totally stoked about seeing Away We Go. I am so it's target audience; a pretentious dweeb who loves films about mumbly-talked love and army jackets bought at the Salvation Army. That's basically porn, especially now that I'm marooned in a suburban hellscape that considers reruns of Two and a Half Men to be "edgy entertainment." So bring it on Eggers, you floppy-haired motherfucker who's career I want more than another beer. Hit me with your best record-collection soundtrack.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
I've ragged on the Harry Potter series in these posts before, so instead of going back to that fast-drying well, I'm simply going to list a few things that I would rather do than sit through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince:
-Purchase batteries at a crowded Target with no express lanes open
-Eat a sandwich that has much too much lettuce
-Get trapped in a conversation about gravel with the boring old man that lives next door
-Give my friend Carl's dog a heartworm pill hidden inside a glob of peanut butter
-Dress nicely and go to a Palm Sunday service at church
I enjoy everyone and everything that's involved with this movie, and yet... I don't know... I have feelings of trepidation, like a rodeo clown stepping out of a barrel and into the arena with a bull he's never seen before. There's just something about the whole "ironic cavemen" concept that I find inherently grating. I feel like maybe Judd Apatow, whom I believe is the main producer on this one, is at this point just flat-out trying to see what crazy malarkey he can get away with. "You think they'll buy the Stone Age, but with Jack Black acting the spaz...? Well, let's roll them bones and find the fuck out! I made millions of the blood, sweat, and tears of Seth Rogen and am consequently MAD WITH POWER!!!" I really feel like he's saying that right now as I type this. Seriously, I just got a chill up my spine. Anyway, I'll probably be eating these words when I'm laughing my ass off in the theater over the summer, but still... if this turns out to be Apatow's Little Bighorn, you heard it here first.