Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Movie Poster A Go-Go

Old Dogs



Dogs... kids... Robin Williams... John Travolta... AND it's backed by Disney? Holy shit, guys, it's the PERFECT STORM!!! Of shitty, shitty movies!!! I mean really... just what the fuck are they trying to pull here? I hate to break it to them, but releasing this is going to be bad for Hollywood in the long run because, once people see it, they're all going to just give up on movies altogether. It's kind of like when you're craving Twizzlers, so you go buy a jumbo drum of Twizzlers at Costco and eat the whole thing during a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit marathon and then for the rest of you life you can't think of Twizzlers or Richard Belzer without getting queasy and having to lie down. This much obnoxiousness packed into one film is going to make all other films seem like day-old grocery store sushi that's been sitting out in the sun all day cozied up to some really mayonnaise-y potato salad, i.e. things to be avoided at all cost. Because you never know... you might have to watch two old men mugging with a Bull Mastiff and a precocious ten year old again, and you don't want that... god... you couldn't stomach that again...

Daytime Drinking



I like it when they make movies about my hobbies. This must be the third sequel in the vaunted "C-dog Trilogy," preceded by Rarely Putting on Pants and Watching the Food Network While My Dreams of Literary Stardom Die Off in Increments Over in the Corner.

Away We Go



How "indie" is this movie? SO indie. With it's illustrations and it's uber-slacker John Krasinski all bearded up, and a screenplay by Dave Eggers. So indie, it could be a band in Williamsburg. So indie, it could probably score with Chloe Sevigny. So indie, it's making me shit blood right now; I've been anally raped by it's indie-ness, THAT'S how indie this poster is. And what's insulting is that I'm totally stoked about seeing Away We Go. I am so it's target audience; a pretentious dweeb who loves films about mumbly-talked love and army jackets bought at the Salvation Army. That's basically porn, especially now that I'm marooned in a suburban hellscape that considers reruns of Two and a Half Men to be "edgy entertainment." So bring it on Eggers, you floppy-haired motherfucker who's career I want more than another beer. Hit me with your best record-collection soundtrack.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince



I've ragged on the Harry Potter series in these posts before, so instead of going back to that fast-drying well, I'm simply going to list a few things that I would rather do than sit through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince:

-Purchase batteries at a crowded Target with no express lanes open
-Eat a sandwich that has much too much lettuce
-Get trapped in a conversation about gravel with the boring old man that lives next door
-Give my friend Carl's dog a heartworm pill hidden inside a glob of peanut butter
-Dress nicely and go to a Palm Sunday service at church

Year One



I enjoy everyone and everything that's involved with this movie, and yet... I don't know... I have feelings of trepidation, like a rodeo clown stepping out of a barrel and into the arena with a bull he's never seen before. There's just something about the whole "ironic cavemen" concept that I find inherently grating. I feel like maybe Judd Apatow, whom I believe is the main producer on this one, is at this point just flat-out trying to see what crazy malarkey he can get away with. "You think they'll buy the Stone Age, but with Jack Black acting the spaz...? Well, let's roll them bones and find the fuck out! I made millions of the blood, sweat, and tears of Seth Rogen and am consequently MAD WITH POWER!!!" I really feel like he's saying that right now as I type this. Seriously, I just got a chill up my spine. Anyway, I'll probably be eating these words when I'm laughing my ass off in the theater over the summer, but still... if this turns out to be Apatow's Little Bighorn, you heard it here first.

Postgrad



I have no opinions about this movie, the poster itself, or anything having to do with college and what it's like afterwards. I just want to take this opportunity to tell you how much I would like to touch Rory Gilmore's boobs: Very much. I would like very much to touch Rory Gilmore's boobs. If anyone could facilitate this, I would be happy to pay you upwards of $25 AND buy you a six-pack of moderately priced beer. Thanks in advance for your help in introducing my hands to Rory Gilmore's boobs. My hands appreciate it and I appreciate it. Rory Gilmore might be less than enthused, but this is only about her a little bit. It's mostly about her boobs.

8 Comments:

Blogger Todd said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I just want to take this opportunity to tell you how much I would like to touch Rory Gilmore's boobs

AGREED!

9:58 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

it's a shame robin williams keeps acting in shit movies like old dogs cuz he's actually a pretty good actor (insominia, that movie where he plays the creepy photo clerk, awakenings) when he's not slumming it.

but shit...money's money.

and that away we go poster actually looks pretty cool considering most movie posters are photoshopped bullshittery. but yes, it's the crowd of hipster vegan douches who will most notably go see this that will keep me away from the likes of this.

but i like maya rudoulph so i might chance it.

10:29 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I heard Rory Gilmore wants you to touch her boobs too.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Michael Cera can suck it.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Lady Snark said...

I think pretty much the whole world is with you on the "wanting to touch Rory Gilmore's boobs" thing.

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does anyone think porn is the only business still thriving during the credit cruch? I think many folks seek refuge in buying and wanking porn during the crunch


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kelly divine

1:40 AM  

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