Sunday, May 03, 2009

Well, That Sucked: Wolverine

First things first, I want you to know where I'm coming from with regards to the X-Men movie franchise, the comics themselves, the idea of movies in general, and what it's like to be a human being that can process information gathered through a series of lenses, rods, and cones set inside two ocular cavities within his skull.

Actually, let's just focus on the first two parts and if there's time for the rest, well then, perhaps I'll smack you upside your fool head with a hot loaf of enlightenment. Or maybe I'll just get drunk and throw up in my driveway. Either way, I'm waking up nude on my neighbor's lawn.

What was I talking about...

Right, The X-Men. I like them. The comics, from what I've read, were entertaining enough, and I enjoyed the first two movies of the series; the ones that Bryan Singer directed. The third one... which was directed/farted on by Brett Ratner... was a bronze-plated shrug of a whatever, notable only for featuring Frasier smeared in blue makeup, which was oddly satisfying.

But the first two... man, those were some great flicks. Fun, escapist fare; the kind of movie you talk about with your friends over pizza and Coke while getting real excited about the neat-o minute details... too excited, some would say... then you have to explain why talking about adamantium claws gave you a boner. Then your friends don't want to talk to you because you showed them your boner. Boners are a real deal-breaker with a lot people, it turns out. God, I hate my boner.

Anyway, so what about the new one? The Wolverine: How I Done Got Here summer blockbuster? How was that.

Well... did you see the title? Because that pretty much sums it up. It sucked. Hard. Here's why...

Boring as shit - There's some little drips and drabs of action, but not just a whole lot. It's not "action packed." It's more like action sprinkled. The movie is lightly spritzed with action. What there IS a lot of, though, is glowering. And screaming "NOOOOOOO" up to the heavens. And Hugh Jackman walking around shirtless, taunting me with his abs so muscled and carved from a one-ton block of fuck marble GOD you just want to trace erotic sketches on them with your tongue...

Hugh Jackman - Handsome though he may be... and oh sweet baby Jesus, is he ever... it appears that he routinely left his charisma in the trailer every morning when he went to the set. Like, he put it near his wallet and his keys so he'd be SURE to remember it, but the phone was ringing and he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and his hands were full with a large latte and an Egg McMuffin and damn if it wasn't all so distracting that he left his charisma right next to the loose change dish and a stack of unread mail. And it happened EVERY DAY!!! Poor Hugh Jackman... he could have really used that charisma during the making of this movie. I would still touch his dong, though.

Other Characters - Who the fuck and why the fuck, re: the other people and their presence in the movie. If memory serves, none of them really showed up together in the comics. Maybe they did... I don't really know... I spent most of my comics-reading youth huffing oven cleaner out of an empty Sonic bag. But whatever, it was still an unholy mishmash of extremely lame mutants (one is really fat! one can make light bulbs turn off and on! one wears a garish cowboy hat!) that you don't care about and chuckle lightly to yourself when they die a horrible death. The casting was stupid and watching the movie makes you feel stupid.

Will.I.Am - That douchebag from The Black-Eyed Peas is in this (he's the one with the cowboy hat) and when he appears on screen, you're overtaken by the desire to never, ever stop hitting him in the face with a fire extinguisher. Why is a member of The Black-Eyed Peas in ANY movie, let alone this movie? The Black-Eyed Peas should be rounded up and shot, not put in front of a camera and asked to read lines as a character that's not their awful, awful selves. Come on guys, I know making a movie is hard, but some choices are easy. Shoot The Black-Eyed Peas on sight; don't film them in conjunction with a work of supposed entertainment.

Everything Else - I'm getting tired of writing, so let's just say that everything else about or related to Wolverine sucked ass harder than... I don't know... whatever sucks your own, personal ass during the course of a normal day and leave it at that. Don't go see this movie. It will make you angry and the popcorn will taste like ashes in your mouth and it will cause you to beat your loved ones and then you'll hang yourself in prison and when you're burning in Hell, you'll stare up at the world as we know it and curse Wolverine for ruining your life and damning your soul for all eternity.

So maybe save your spendin' money for the new Pixar show or something. Or just send it to me. (I will spend it on oven cleaner)


Blogger Erratic said...

What is wrong with me? Why did I like it? Was I distracted by the gratuitous half naked Hugh Jackman? Was it the pain killers? I don't know! I am scared...please hold me...

11:52 PM  
Blogger Canoncowgirl said...

Not gonna lie, I got to the part with lots of shirtless Hugh Jackman and got stuck. I kinda want to go see it now....but something tells me I also just read something about it damning my soul to hell something something Hugh Jackmans abs. What were we talking about?

12:07 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Honestly, dude, I think liking this movie is okay. As usual, I was overstating my case a little bit... it wasn't like the WORST MOVIE EVER or anything. It was just boring and not at all the kick ass experience I was expecting. Oh, and also it kinda didn't make any sense if you take a step back.

But it wasn't horrible or unwatchable or anything. It was just lifeless. And, plus, there was Hugh Jackman all strutting around the mountains with his shirt off like some sort of wood nymph made of beefsteak and Old Spice. That's always good for a peek.

12:09 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Canoncowgirl... His abs are like hypnobeams made of muscle, right? I am totally into ladies, but if he showed up all, "let's giv'er a go," I'd totally melt into a buttery pool of heavy sighs and hope that he'd spoon me after.

12:11 AM  
Blogger Erratic said...

Oh, the abs...I am more of a back girl, though. And, let me tell you, the back did not disappoint. I am not sure I even remember what the movie was about...

Except the dude from Friday Night Lights...that was weird. Like, people take him seriously? Cuz maybe they shouldn't. I kept waiting for him to open a beer and endearingly fuck up his life. Did I just publicly admit I watched Friday Night Lights?

This is really not my best day...

12:16 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I thought Friday Night Lights was supposed to be awesome? I haven't seen it, despite living in Texas and being beaten about the face and neck with high school football so much, it's like we're in a relationship on COPS. Anyway, it's on my list.

But yeah, that dude, as Gambit... stunk up the joint. Like, taco fart bad. Gambit was WAY cool in the comics, too. That was a fumble, no doubt.

(see how I tied in the football thing there at the end? god I'm so fucking good at blogging...)

12:23 AM  
Blogger Erratic said...

It is awesome if you are, say, 17, living in Texas, like football, and are a cheerleader. I am absolutely none of those things. Oh, wait, I actually do like football. But, none of the other things.

But, yes, he sucked some serious ass. When I saw him, I actually laughed out loud. The chick next to me (probably hearts all of those things) gave me a dirty look. Don't worry, I punched her in the face. (that is a total lie. She would have kicked my ass)

12:29 AM  
Blogger Canoncowgirl said...

I guess my question is, how much did it suck compared to the sucking of the last movie? Because that last one was like a black hole... even if you cant see it its there...sucking.

[or possibly something that makes more sense than that]

12:53 AM  
Blogger Erratic said...

I totally liked the last movie. I think I have some kind of Hugh Jackman disorder. I should seek help. Or stop watching X-Men movies? I have nothing should never listen to anything I say ever.

1:04 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I actually only saw X-Men 3 (whatever it was called) once, and that was in the theater when it first came out. I remember liking it okay, but not as much as the first two. If you pressed me for details, I probably couldn't tell you much about the whole experience other than that the Twizzlers were partiuclarly delicious that day. And I'm making that up. So... you know... there you have it.

7:28 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Be that as it may, it made a TON of money. Do you know what means, don't you? More to come!

8:21 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

i actually saw the bootleged version.

if anything the bootlegged version was prob more interesting cuz half the cgi fx were unfinished so it was interesting to see some of beginning cgi constructs.

and i heard the cgi fx in the finished cut looked bad anyway.


ryan reynolds as deadpool was a total waste. could've done so much more with that character.

gambit was stupid.

don't like the reboot angle either. so wolverine met cyclops as a teenager now?? WHY RETOOL THE ENTIRE X SERIES?? not necessary! just tell your wolverine story, ignore the ratner X3 bullshit and when they make X4 pick up where X2 left off! SIMPLE!

10:09 AM  
Blogger Knit Geek said...

Now I don't know if I can make myself watch it. I love my X-Men & don't want to have it ruined by a crappy movie that throws everything in the trash, or a great big sucky hole with great abs.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

The UB... Oh, of course; that's life and the reason we have a million Saw movies and whatever. I don't even care. Maybe the next one will be awesome. I mean probably not, but maybe.

Jason... Yeah, there was a lot of stuff in there that contradicted shit they had in the other movies. Why do that? It's not like it would be all that hard to line shit up; the movies didn't exactly have an elaborate mythology laid out or anything.

Knit Geek... I think, just for the sake of being thorough, you should see it... but waiting for DVD won't diminish the experience at all. The action isn't so spectaculr that you "NEED to see it on the big screen." Shit, you could probably watch it on an iPod and get more or less the same experience.

12:26 PM  
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