Well, That Sucked: Wolverine

First things first, I want you to know where I'm coming from with regards to the X-Men movie franchise, the comics themselves, the idea of movies in general, and what it's like to be a human being that can process information gathered through a series of lenses, rods, and cones set inside two ocular cavities within his skull.

Actually, let's just focus on the first two parts and if there's time for the rest, well then, perhaps I'll smack you upside your fool head with a hot loaf of enlightenment. Or maybe I'll just get drunk and throw up in my driveway. Either way, I'm waking up nude on my neighbor's lawn.

What was I talking about...

Right, The X-Men. I like them. The comics, from what I've read, were entertaining enough, and I enjoyed the first two movies of the series; the ones that Bryan Singer directed. The third one... which was directed/farted on by Brett Ratner... was a bronze-plated shrug of a whatever, notable only for featuring Frasier smeared in blue makeup, which was oddly satisfying.

But the first two... man, those were some great flicks. Fun, escapist fare; the kind of movie you talk about with your friends over pizza and Coke while getting real excited about the neat-o minute details... too excited, some would say... then you have to explain why talking about adamantium claws gave you a boner. Then your friends don't want to talk to you because you showed them your boner. Boners are a real deal-breaker with a lot people, it turns out. God, I hate my boner.

Anyway, so what about the new one? The Wolverine: How I Done Got Here summer blockbuster? How was that.

Well... did you see the title? Because that pretty much sums it up. It sucked. Hard. Here's why...

Boring as shit - There's some little drips and drabs of action, but not just a whole lot. It's not "action packed." It's more like action sprinkled. The movie is lightly spritzed with action. What there IS a lot of, though, is glowering. And screaming "NOOOOOOO" up to the heavens. And Hugh Jackman walking around shirtless, taunting me with his abs so muscled and carved from a one-ton block of fuck marble GOD you just want to trace erotic sketches on them with your tongue...

Hugh Jackman - Handsome though he may be... and oh sweet baby Jesus, is he ever... it appears that he routinely left his charisma in the trailer every morning when he went to the set. Like, he put it near his wallet and his keys so he'd be SURE to remember it, but the phone was ringing and he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and his hands were full with a large latte and an Egg McMuffin and damn if it wasn't all so distracting that he left his charisma right next to the loose change dish and a stack of unread mail. And it happened EVERY DAY!!! Poor Hugh Jackman... he could have really used that charisma during the making of this movie. I would still touch his dong, though.

Other Characters - Who the fuck and why the fuck, re: the other people and their presence in the movie. If memory serves, none of them really showed up together in the comics. Maybe they did... I don't really know... I spent most of my comics-reading youth huffing oven cleaner out of an empty Sonic bag. But whatever, it was still an unholy mishmash of extremely lame mutants (one is really fat! one can make light bulbs turn off and on! one wears a garish cowboy hat!) that you don't care about and chuckle lightly to yourself when they die a horrible death. The casting was stupid and watching the movie makes you feel stupid.

Will.I.Am - That douchebag from The Black-Eyed Peas is in this (he's the one with the cowboy hat) and when he appears on screen, you're overtaken by the desire to never, ever stop hitting him in the face with a fire extinguisher. Why is a member of The Black-Eyed Peas in ANY movie, let alone this movie? The Black-Eyed Peas should be rounded up and shot, not put in front of a camera and asked to read lines as a character that's not their awful, awful selves. Come on guys, I know making a movie is hard, but some choices are easy. Shoot The Black-Eyed Peas on sight; don't film them in conjunction with a work of supposed entertainment.

Everything Else - I'm getting tired of writing, so let's just say that everything else about or related to Wolverine sucked ass harder than... I don't know... whatever sucks your own, personal ass during the course of a normal day and leave it at that. Don't go see this movie. It will make you angry and the popcorn will taste like ashes in your mouth and it will cause you to beat your loved ones and then you'll hang yourself in prison and when you're burning in Hell, you'll stare up at the world as we know it and curse Wolverine for ruining your life and damning your soul for all eternity.

So maybe save your spendin' money for the new Pixar show or something. Or just send it to me. (I will spend it on oven cleaner)