High School Reunion: My Ideas!

A couple of days ago, I received... via Facebook, no less... the first notice regarding my impending 10-year high school reunion. I reacted to this information as anyone would; I sobbed loudly while giving myself a whore's bath in the sink, I pooped all over everything in a tailspin of bowel-loosening shame and regret, and then I blew up an Arby's because they can't make me go to a reunion if I'm in jail for blowing up an Arby's. That's just common sense.

But, since no one cares about Arby's or the people who go there, I was let off with a $50 fine and a stern warning from the court and... fuck... now I have to entertain the notion of ACTUALLY going to my high school reunion which was SO not the outcome I was looking for. Should have bombed a Chili's.

Anyway, since there's a very real chance that I'll soon be making awkward conversation in a decorated gymnasium with people I hate who are wildly more successful than myself, I thought I'd do everything I can to make the whole experience a little more palatable.

I've decided to help plan the reunion!!!

I mean, I guess the first step is going to have to be getting myself on the reunion planning committee, but I think that can be accomplished using my cunning, my guile, and my sweet Texas ass in tight blue jeans. The ladies love that. Well, they don't hate it. Most don't get too nauseous. My sweet Texas ass in tight blue jeans is hideous and will not be a part of the plan. I will instead switch tactics; begging will be the key that unlocks the door to reunion planning Valhalla.

So, without further adieu, here's my...

10-Year High School Reunion Ideas of Awesomeness To Make For a Better, More Awesome, Time For All Of Us!!! CLASS OF '99!!!!

-I need to get a better title for my list of ideas. Parenthetically, I need to not drink so much weed killer while naming my idea lists. Maybe I should just cut down on the weed killer altogether. Anything with "killer" in the name probably shouldn't be used in homemade margaritas. They ARE delicious, though. Or at least they make me black out for a few (many) hours (days).

-Instead of slow dances, let's have a mosh pit. They had mosh pits in the 90's, so it will be nostalgic. If my mosh pit idea goes over well, I promise you this... I will knock down the popular kids and step on their necks. Revenge will taste so sweet...

-A bowlful of condoms and morning-after pills at each table.

-Midway through the proceedings, a rousing game of "Guess Which Alumnus is Slowly Dying From Leukemia" will surely liven things up. The winner should get a prize; the person that's dying shouldn't be informed about the game ahead of time because they might not want to play.

-I know a Mexican who can arrange a cockfight just for us. Betting is encouraged; bring your own rooster to get in on the fun! There will be NO razors attached to the claws. This isn't Guadalahara, after all. We've got souls.

-No handguns this year.

-Let's put our senior pictures on our name tags, so everyone can remember what they looked like when they still had hopes and dreams and the life hadn't been stomped out of them by the harshness of reality. Also, funny haircuts!!!

-To save money, let's make the whole thing BYOB. Or BYOW (wine). Or BYOTFOE (trashcan full of Everclear). Or BYOWK (weed killer).

-Suggested themes for the reunion:

"Lookin' Fine, Class of '99! Except for you, Trevor. Fuck you!"
"All Dead Inside!"
"Let's Not Talk About Our Awkward, Homoerotic Fumblings in the Locker Room!"
"Golden Memories That Will Last a Lifetime, or Some Bullshit!"
"It's a Shame Those Murders Senior Year are Still Unsolved!"
"Now is the Time For Me To FINALLY Tell C-dog How Much I Love Him, Have ALWAYS Loved Him, and How Badly I Want to Jump His Bones on the Wrestling Mats in Gym B!"
"Who Farted?"

Yep... going to be the best reunion ever! THEY WILL BOW BEFORE MY MIGHT!!! I mean my might on the dance floor. Also, I'm taking hostages.