Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I was really looking forward to this weekend, and I'm totally impatient, so I went ahead and invented time travel. It wasn't hard. I mean, I don't want to give away my methods or whatever but I will give you a hint... waffle batter. Lots of it. And a three car batteries. THREE. Not two, not four. You don't want to end up on Neptune all, "How the fuck did I get on Neptune; whole place smells like fish ass."
Anyway, so I used time travel to go to this weekend and it was a fucking BLAST, y'all. You guys don't even know. Ever shotgun a beer on top of a helicopter and not die? I have. When the weekend was over, I was like, well shit... I've got time travel now... might as well get weird up and down the historical timeline. And that's EXACTLY WHAT I DID.
Herewith, my notes from my adventures. Ladies, put down a tarp.
TIME TRAVEL - MY NOTES
-Dinosaurs are fucking pussies!!! Oh my god, the movies have got it all so wrong. I saw this raptor and was pretty much getting my shit right with the lord because obviously he's going slice and dice me, but then it came up and started nuzzling my chest with it's head. It purred!!! I stroked it's scaly noggin for a while, but then I snapped it's neck all Steven Seagal WHOOP-CRACK!!! Bitches, I killed a motherfucking raptor with my bare hands!!! What did you do yesterday? Fart during American Idol? Haha... game, set, MATCH.
-Hung out with historical Jesus. Nice guy, obviously. Black. So that settles that. He also kept referring to God as "she." I think someone might want to do a quick rewrite on the next edition of the Bible. Or not, historical Jesus doesn't give a shit. I know... I asked him. Real mellow guy. Smelled like a goat, though.
-The Dark Ages... no fun. Mead was alright, but not good enough to balance out the plague and the Crusades and the dragons. Oh right, dragons... totally real. And MEAN. Not like dinosaurs at all. Tried to snap one's neck and it nearly barbecued my face. Luckily, I brought a gun. Know what kills a dragon? A gun. Anyway, if you see any tapestries depicting a chubby dude with a magic iron weapon of destruction being heralded as a God... yo, that's all me.
-Skipped ahead to the 80's. Managed to catch The Clash in concert. Highly recommend it.
-The Great Depression wasn't so bad. Girls were like, "We're so depressed... wanna have some dirty 30's sex to take our minds off us being cash poor?" That happened ALL THE TIME. Plus, I could walk around in nothing but a barrel and make the cover of Life magazine. If anyone sees a copy of that Life magazine, by the by, snatch it up. I want to give it to my mom.
-I know this is going to sound like, "duh," but The Bronze Age... lots of bronze. It's like a whole age where everyone came in third.
-You know that album "Meet the Beatles?" Well I met The Beatles. I am now, officially, the fifth Beatle. John, Paul, George and Ringo and C-dog. If you listen to "I Want to Hold Your Hand," you can hear me throwing up in the background. I drank all The Beatles' booze.
-Ran into Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. at this big walking thing in Alabama. Told him about Obama. He gave me a high-five and a bottle of Coke. Nice dude. I liked him better than Jesus because he smelled very pleasant.
-The 70's were just okay. Lots of bush. Thin Lizzy, though. Whatever, if you watched That 70's Show, you pretty much know what was up. Not sure how people lived with that laugh track going off all the time. It was especially hard for me because I'm hilarious.
-I watched Hitler take a dump. After he left the bathroom (without washing his hands, mind you) it occurred to me that I probably should have killed him with my trusty magic iron weapon of destruction. I'm such a space cadet sometimes.
-Went back to last Thursday and helped myself find my car keys so I wouldn't be late for dinner at my folks' place. It was really nice getting to talk to myself like that. It DID tear a hole in the space/time continuum and we're probably going to get swallowed up by a cosmic blackness at some point, but... hey... well, you've met me. How could you NOT want to chit-chat?
-Found the guy who invented Cheez-Its. Kissed him square on the lips. He gave me a free box of Cheez-Its. Time travel fucking rules.