Snack Food Jesus

For all you evangelicals out there who've been sitting around your sad, dustless living rooms, tapping your watches, and asking of no one in particular, "When is that Jesus going to return to Earth from outer space or wherever and ease my suffering with his holy touch which may or may not include a back rub... when, I ask... WHEN," it looks like we finally have your answer.

He's back! Like, right now... he's maxin' and relaxin' in the corporeal world! Kind of a good news/bad news situation, though. Yes, he hath returneth to us and we are his angels now and he brought t-shirts from Heaven for everybody. Unfortunately, he kind of botched the math for his return trajectory and ended up coming back as... well... see for yourself:

That's right. Jesus is a Cheeto. Which is actually okay, if for no other reason that it's going to make the whole "eat of my body" thing a whole lot more delicious.

Oh but seriously, so yeah some crazy lady found the above Cheeto while stuffing fistfuls of the things into her gaping maw and now she's being covered by CNN because this is TOTALLY NEWSWORTHY. And guess where this spectacular prophet of a woman lives??? No, go on... I insist... take a wild, flailing stab in the dark.

Did you guess Texas? Did Texas spring immediately to mind because it's the first place you think of whenever you hear about appallingly religious people with mental imbalances so acute, they walk at a 45 degree angle?

Well you're right! The Cheeto Jesus WAS found in Texas. How sad for me because I live here now.

As for the actual look of the thing: Apparently Jesus was a zombie. See how the arms are outstretched? Much like a zombie's arms would be as he grasped for brains? Also, it appears that Cheeto Jesus is wearing a dress. No judgements, of course, but I think a lot of people... particularly down here in the Bible Belt... are going to take issue with the radical notion that the Lord's kid was a crossdresser.

It should also be noted that there's no historical evidence suggesting that Jesus was a violent color of orange.

Anyway, so people are still seeing religious iconography in unusual places. And I imagine they will continue to do so as long as major media outlets continue to treat them as if they're NOT candidates for ever-increasing doses of lithium. Meanwhile, a bunch of people died because they don't have enough food and AIDS is still all over the place and war and horror and Ryan Seacrest.

But by all means keep watching the snack food aisle, my babies. Perhaps the Virgin Mary will burst forth from a Pringles can in time for Memorial Day and we can all go to the beach knowing we are loved. Something about the Virgin Mary makes me think Sour Cream & Onion, so watch those cans particularly close.