Monday, May 18, 2009

Snack Food Jesus

For all you evangelicals out there who've been sitting around your sad, dustless living rooms, tapping your watches, and asking of no one in particular, "When is that Jesus going to return to Earth from outer space or wherever and ease my suffering with his holy touch which may or may not include a back rub... when, I ask... WHEN," it looks like we finally have your answer.

He's back! Like, right now... he's maxin' and relaxin' in the corporeal world! Kind of a good news/bad news situation, though. Yes, he hath returneth to us and we are his angels now and he brought t-shirts from Heaven for everybody. Unfortunately, he kind of botched the math for his return trajectory and ended up coming back as... well... see for yourself:

That's right. Jesus is a Cheeto. Which is actually okay, if for no other reason that it's going to make the whole "eat of my body" thing a whole lot more delicious.
Oh but seriously, so yeah some crazy lady found the above Cheeto while stuffing fistfuls of the things into her gaping maw and now she's being covered by CNN because this is TOTALLY NEWSWORTHY. And guess where this spectacular prophet of a woman lives??? No, go on... I insist... take a wild, flailing stab in the dark.
Did you guess Texas? Did Texas spring immediately to mind because it's the first place you think of whenever you hear about appallingly religious people with mental imbalances so acute, they walk at a 45 degree angle?
Well you're right! The Cheeto Jesus WAS found in Texas. How sad for me because I live here now.
As for the actual look of the thing: Apparently Jesus was a zombie. See how the arms are outstretched? Much like a zombie's arms would be as he grasped for brains? Also, it appears that Cheeto Jesus is wearing a dress. No judgements, of course, but I think a lot of people... particularly down here in the Bible Belt... are going to take issue with the radical notion that the Lord's kid was a crossdresser.
It should also be noted that there's no historical evidence suggesting that Jesus was a violent color of orange.
Anyway, so people are still seeing religious iconography in unusual places. And I imagine they will continue to do so as long as major media outlets continue to treat them as if they're NOT candidates for ever-increasing doses of lithium. Meanwhile, a bunch of people died because they don't have enough food and AIDS is still all over the place and war and horror and Ryan Seacrest.
But by all means keep watching the snack food aisle, my babies. Perhaps the Virgin Mary will burst forth from a Pringles can in time for Memorial Day and we can all go to the beach knowing we are loved. Something about the Virgin Mary makes me think Sour Cream & Onion, so watch those cans particularly close.


Blogger Colleen said...

The best was that two kids found this on a road trip and named it "Cheesus." Wish I was on that road trip.

10:51 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

That thing looks like Jesus as much as my ipod looks like Jesus.

(side note: have you seen the new Jesus shaped ipods? I just got one!)

10:53 AM  
Blogger fear.of.landing said...

You just have to find the pockets of awesome people here in the state and surround yourself with them to insulate you from the ignorance.

10:53 AM  
Blogger lacochran's evil twin said...

Jesus came back to earth as a Cheeto and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Praise Cheesus.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Gilahi said...

If the Virgin Mary comes back as a Pringle, wouldn't there be, like, a whole can of identical Virgin Marys?

11:12 AM  
Blogger Cray said...

Lucky kids. The only thing i ever found was a Zinger that kinda looked like the dad from Family Matters. You know, the cop Al from Die Hard? That guy. And he was delicious, but hardly noteworthy.

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cheesus is my friend. I believe in Cheesus.

11:44 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

I wish I had a jelly stuffed Jesus donut.

Mmmm... raspberry stigmata...

12:26 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

OMG!!! Or OM Cheesus!

I Loathe, Loathe, Loathe most forms of doodles and can't eat them at all. Not because of the actual, delicious, taste...but that orange-y powder stuff that gets on your fingers and everything else. It's drives me nuts. I avoid it at all costs.

Now I'm left conflicted and confused about accepting Jesus back in my life. Mysterious ways...

12:33 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Colleen... Naming religious snacks certainly beats the license plate game.

Brooklyn... My iPod is shaped like Satan. We should make our iPods fight each other.

Fear... Oh, for the most part I have. It's just still a big shock moving back to Arlington from New York, where everybody's crazy but in a fun way.

Iacochran... But it's a t-shirt from Jesus, so some of his mystical voodoo probably rubbed off on it. As is my understanding of Jesus.

Gilahi... I hadn't thought of that. Holy shit, they'll have an army of Virgin Marys!!! Somebody call the President!

Cray... He looks like he'd be tastier than Jesus. Plus, he was in Die Hard, which means he's awesome.

Sonny... When there was only one set of footprints? That's when Cheesus was carrying you.

Justin... Jesus can take a dozen donuts and feed the masses. It's true! Or as true as anything in the Bible.

Lioux... Jesus will be appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich next month if that's a little more to your liking. For some reason he never appears in a bottle of Scotch.

1:52 PM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

I think Jesus came back to Texas because that's where all the bloggers seem to be. A wider audience to spread the message, so to speak.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Jesus spray-tanned for his come back because he wanted to be Pop Culture-appropriate.

4:54 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Damn --even snack food is prostelyzing (pretty sure I did not spell that word correctly)

9:45 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home