!!! INTERNET !!!
Anyway, all is forgiven and we can now put all this ugliness behind us.
More later! (maybe!)
NOTE: It turns out one of the wires up on our roof had shorted out due to water damage. Which is great because I was afraid this whole thing was caused by me peeing on the modem the other night.
2ND NOTE: The view from our roof is pretty unspectacular, as it turns out. Though now I know how to get away from the cops, should they ever find out about my liquor stills. A daring rooftop escape!!! Which will end in me falling to my death!!! Bathtub gin for sale!!!