Wednesday, November 19, 2008

You Don't See That Every Day: A Pictorial

A Pygmy Tarsier Monkey

Apparently this freaky dude was, until a few weeks ago, believed to be extinct as nobody had laid eyes on one for the last 80 years. And now some scientists found one. So, hooray, I guess. We've FINALLY got an ugly, tiny monkey hanging around, being all unsettling first thing in the morning, making me spit out bagel chunks and causing an allergy attack and stealing money out of my wallet and making derogatory comments about Barack Obama. Ick... I bet it's slimy. I bet it smells like old bananas and burnt hair. I bet if you gave it half a chance, it would poop in your ear while you slept and then laugh it's haughty little monkey laugh and then hole up under your bed with a syringe full of poison like that evil monkey in Monkey Shines (a real movie about killer monkeys that you just KNOW real-life monkeys watch and go, "one day, man... one day").

Oh, and just in case you think I'm being biased against our simian friend up there because he's fugly with a capital "barf," you should know that in the Yahoo article I read about it (which I won't bother to link to, as I am lazy), the mini-bastard was described as being "small and mean." So, I think you see what I'm getting at here: This whole "no one's seen it for 80 years" thing is TOTAL bullshit. Yeah, no one has seen the fucker because no one has been looking. Sometimes, an animal is just an asshole and deserves to be extinct, even if it isn't.

LeBron James Commands His Clothes

Okay, so maybe LeBron James isn't actually a wizard with complete control over his clothes who sends them out to do his bidding; smacking around refs who harsh him on fouls and putting the fear of God into Tiger Woods for stepping on his endorsement game and stalking Paul Pierce through his house in the dead of night for making Master LeBron look like a fool during last year's NBA Finals.

Maybe this is just a funny picture taken mid-action as LeBron James threw his warm-up clothes to the floor before the start of game.

But what if it isn't...?

Beware the flying, XXL, lightweight, zip-up jacket and snap-up pants... the vengeance they wreak is swift, horrifying, and lightly stained with Gatorade.

Optical Illusion That Makes Me Want To Hurl

Ugh... blah... yeah, why did I post this... oh god, this is awful... it looks like it's moving, but it's not, it's just fucking with your eyes like a demon mirage sent from the bowels of hell to make you sicker than your worst tequila-induced hangover from college. Jesus, who would create such a thing? What sort of loner madman spends hours and hours hunched moistly over a hateful laptop sketching a terror like this, smirking to himself about the havoc he's causing in all our digestive systems?

Fuck, it's like traveling through time on acid, or staring into the universe's cosmic butthole, or trying to fight a giant clown after eating a handful of habanero peppers and dying from heat stroke.

I'm so sorry, you guys... I can just see you there, sitting at your cubicle at work or at your desk at home or at the computer carousel in the prison library during your state-mandated study time staring into the depths of this optical illusion and crying and vomiting and calling out for loved ones and being beaten severely by the warden for causing a scene. Mea culpa, my readers... mea culpa...

What Chewbacca Would Look Like Shaved

Like Ed Asner got melted, apparently. This is another thing that causes one to speculate about the sort of person who would take the time to figure out exactly what a Wookie would look like after a run-in with a bottle of Nair, and then put forth the energy to sketch the whole thing out like that's a perfectly acceptable thing to do with one's off-hours. The only thing that frightens me more than considering such a person is the fact that I'm pretty sure, after he got done with his drawing, he jerked off to it while muttering Han Solo's lines from The Trilogy and wishing desperately that he weren't in his mother's basement, so very alone.

I'm sorry, but you don't draw a nude Chewy just for funsies. Nope, you draw a nude Chewy because you're a big ol' freak with blurred lines between what's real and what's fantasy and your parents are so embarrassed by you, they tell people you died in a fire.

A Swimming, Robot Snake That Will Kill You (Probably)

Okay, that's not so much a picture as it is a video, but still... it's easily the freakiest thing in this post because it's not just a stupid monkey or a funny picture of a celebrity or an spew-inducing mindfuck or a sad, sad Star Wars doodle. This, my friends, is a robot snake that can swim in water. Fast. And it moves like a real snake all twisty and bendy and slither-y. And it's intent is not clearly expressed; we have NO IDEA for what purpose this chilling vision of the future has been created. The only thing I can come up with... its only conceivable use... is to track down escapees from the Thought Police who've somehow made it to the river that borders the Blade Runner-esque city where everyone lives in a government-controlled hive and powers The Computer Overlord with their brain waves. I mean, I know there are currently no people-hives or Computer Overlords or Thought Police or anything like that... yet. I think the robot makers of the world are just getting a jump on things so there's less to do when the cybernetic revolution comes and they can really focus all their energy towards worshiping at the motherboard of our new techno-masters.


Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

I’ll be right back. I’m going to go smoke a big fatty and revisit that optical illusion thingy.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

I bet that little monkey would make a delicious soup.

9:34 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

The UB... Okay, but if the weed causes you to fall into the picture and never return, don't blame me.

Todd... As an ingredient, or do you think he could prepare a nice soup for you like a tiny monkey chef?

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

That little monkey looks like a Tribble that evolved eyes and legs. Or maybe a Tribble evolved from that and got rid of its eyes and legs.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Broke But Still Drinking said...

Fat men create ass lint bigger than that monkey. I know. I've showered near fat men, and not by choice.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

I believe that this seemingly random post actually holds the key to the universe...if I can just figure out what the pattern means!

1:34 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Clinton: That's genius! First, have the monkey make me soup. Then, make soup out of the monkey! I could have soup two days in a row!

1:42 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

I agree with Broke But Still Drinking...only I've showered with fat men BY choice.

And yea...I've always wondered what a Wookie would like without hair. Or maybe a hot pink body mohawk. That would be pretty bad ass.

As far as having smooth, sexy skin goes, people are always asking me about my beautiful complextion. They seem a little shocked and surprised when I tell them my secret is rubbing Nads®™©™ all over my face.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous wishmewell said...

that chewbacca picture killed a little bit of my the wide eyed child that still lurks somewhere deep inside me while simultaneously fueling my alcohol induced nightmares


2:53 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Just Saying... I thought Tribbles were pink. I don't really know my Star Trek, though.

Broke... I like your name. It's what I am, but in word form.

Digital... The code is hidden in a painting by Da Vinci. Vinnie Da Vinci, the guy who comes to fix my boiler. Good boiler-fixer. Horrible, horrible painter...

Todd... You'll be soup-rich!!! A soup-ionaire

Lioux... We showered together? Man, I've got to cut back on drinking. Or perhaps drink MORE... (wink!)...

Wish... Yeah, me too; that's why I share these things with others. I want you all to hurt like me.

3:13 PM  
Blogger ML said...

I would say it's illogical to think that computers would feel (at all, let alone) the need to be worshiped. They're robots. They don't need any reassurance.

Just saying. :)

3:59 PM  

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