Monday, November 17, 2008

Anything Goes!!!



The frighteningly nude couple you see soaking in the pool up there are Mr. and Mrs. Tony Fox, owners of the White Cockatoo resort in Queensland, Australia. Usually a pair of moist, drunken, naked Australians wouldn't be anything to blog about... at least not on any blog I run that my parents know about... however, they bear mentioning today because of the unique method they've come up with for fighting the current global economic downturn, at least with regards to how it effects their business. Rather than run a coupon special offering guests some free meals, say, or cutting back staff during night hours, they have decided to hold a month-long "anything goes" party at their resort; a move that will surely find the entire coast of Australia dripping with chlamydia by the end of the year.

Naturally, as I am a dedicated and unemployed reporter, I've booked my tickets and will be reporting live from the scene of this potentially awesome, mostly likely disgusting rules-free event. Here are a few of the things I plan on getting up to in the part of the land down under where, for four crazy weeks, absolutely anything goes:

Hedonism, The ZFS! Way, or, "I will make you regret your usage of the word 'Anything.'"

I'm going to...

...slow-dance with every former member of the Bull-Moose Party until the break of dawn. Then, cuddles. Bull-Moose cuddles all up in here.

...stab myself repeatedly in the face with a pair of scissors until I go all the way around "horribly disfigured" and land on "the most beautiful girl in the world," like the Prince song, but not so much like it that we have to pay royalties.

...start a betting ring based on the horrible sport of Monkey Boxing. (the monkeys are the gloves)

...challenge Jackie Chan to a kung-fu battle where I will beat him so bad I become Jackie Chan and thus ensure at least six more Rush Hour sequels.

...explore the rings of Saturn. With my tongue.

...tap dance, tap dance, TAP DANCE!!!

...travel back through history via a magical, talking car to Dallas, TX on November 22, 1963, just minutes before the assassination of JFK. I have no intention of stopping the assassination, however; I just think it would be hilarious to see me doing the hula on the grassy knoll whenever The History Channel replays the Zapruder Film.

...open an educational facility that helps kids learn about science. (they'll learn about science by building me a meth lab from instructions I downloaded off the internet)

...become one with the universe in a melding of the conscious and the unconscious, exploring the inner galaxy of the soul and testing the boundaries of human experience while shattering the preconceived notions of the mind. Unless there happens to be unlimited access to the resort buffet. Then I guess I'll just eat at the buffet until I pass out.

...probably end up fucking a bunch of people, since, you know, that's what everyone else is going there to do. Might as well join in the gross, gross fun.

3 Comments:

Blogger bob zombie said...

i'm a big fan of illegal betting rings. reminds me of being small and seeing my twin uncles fighting roosters that i remember as being taller than i at the time.

9:28 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

i think there's already a yearly porn party called hedonism. takes place in jamaica or someplace like that where nudity is more accepted. it's pretty much a free for all for any and all orifices to be plugged up however you like, leaving you open to an entire alphabets worth of hepatitis.

not that i've been...i'm just sayin.

but yeah not

10:43 AM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

Explore the ring of Saturn with your tongue? Am I really perverted, or does anyone else think that sounds dirty? Or is it supposed to be dirty and I totally missed the point? sigh.

8:55 PM  

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