Friday, November 07, 2008

Friday Morning Hodgepodge

I don't know... maybe it's the post-election high wearing off, or maybe it's my continued, unabated joblessness, or maybe it's just the persistent, rainy, gray-ness of NYC right now but... dude... I am in a funk. I'm not like suicidal or anything, nor am I even particularly depressed; at least not according to the official definition of the term. I'm just, more or less, funky. And that includes body odor... I was out of deodorant this morning... au natural, baby... I smell like Woody Harrelson's hemp undershirt... anyway, that's not really the point. The point is, yeah, just kinda mellow blah shrugs. Which I guess explains why ZFS! has been lacking slightly this week. Don't get me wrong, it's still the most hilarious and powerful blog on the internet... I've got readers in Japan, bitches... but, man, I have just not been on my game the last few days.

Whatever, it'll probably all change next week. I wasn't really going anywhere with this, actually; just letting you know that I was aware of the problem and doing everything in my power (drinking) to fix it.

Oh, but speaking of next week, join me in the next segment for a...

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...PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Starting this coming Thursday (November 13th), I will be posting a brand new, triple-exciting, super-duper, regular feature. I don't want to over-sell it or anything, but it's basically going to make you pee champagne and shit solid gold awards for Blogging Excellence which you will then mail to me on your own dime as a way of saying "thank you" for creating something so magnificent and erotic-poem-inspiring.

Yep. It's going to be awesome.

Oh, what is it, you ask? What could this marvelous miracle possibly be? Fine, I won't keep you in suspense, my little lambchops. Starting next week, I, C-dog, the handsomest man you've ever added to your web-browsing favorites, will be...

REVIEWING AND RECAPPING EVERY EPISODE OF THE NEW SEASON OF BRAVO'S TOP CHEF!!!

I know, it's almost too exciting for words. You are all so fucking lucky to have me in your life. We're going to talk about food!!! And reality TV stuff!!! And there will probably be someone on the show with silly hair and we'll snap on them so hard they will stab themselves in the throat with a shrimp fork!!! Oh my babies... my bundles of internet-based joy... we are going to kick out these cooking-competition jams like they have never been kicked out before (mainly, I mean there will be lots of fart jokes).

Stoked beyond all rational thought? Joy-rioting in the streets like on Election Night, but better because this is "hope" that you only have to wait a week for? Yes... yes you are.

Wheeeeeee, cooking!!!

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So I've had this bottle of Maker's Mark whisky sitting on the floor of my office, unopened, still in it's bag from the liquor store, for about a year. I bought it to give to a friend for his birthday and, due to unforeseen circumstances, I ended up not being able to go to his party. So I thought, well hell, I'll just give it to him the next time I see him. And like I said... it's been about a year since that night... nada. Nothing. In absentia, mi amigo. I mean, it's not his fault or anything, nor is it mine; we're both busy people who live in different parts of the city and whatever and all the millions of reasons that friends end up not seeing each other for long periods of time (also, I tend to get handsy in movie theaters and I think he finds that off-putting).

Whatever, I bring this up because I finally said fuck this noise and opened the bottle and am now drinking it for myself, even though it was originally intended to be given as a gift. My question to you is... Does this make me kind of a sleaze? I think yes, it does, but there's also a part of me that doesn't care because I want to ONCE in my life drink liquor that's not on sale and in a plastic jug.

Thoughts? Keep in mind, it is delicious and drunk-making.

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I'll leave you with this:


That's right, C-dog knows how to juggle. I'm not even going to ask you if you're impressed because... doye... OBVIOUSLY you're impressed. Had you been in that particular kitchenette with me at the time this picture was taken, you'd have had to apologize to my friend Todd for shitting on his couch from sheer amazement. He wouldn't have been happy about you shitting on his couch, because your poo is gross and not really Blogging Excellence awards like I said earlier, but he'd have totally understood because... again... me juggling is like staring directly into the sun as it supernovas in perfect synch to your favorite song that's playing on a Walkman jammed in your MOTHERFUCKING BRAIN!!!!
Also, I'd like to point out that my shirt has a cow on it. Cow!!!
NOTE: Thanks to Brooklyn Gal for the pic. I did not ask her permission before I used it on ZFS!, but if she's mad, she can kick me in the shin real hard as payback.
2ND NOTE: If everyone would refrain from pointing out that I look like a drunk frat-pledge farmer in said picture, that would be just great. Thanks!!!
3RD NOTE: Immediately after this pic was taken, I ate Duncan Hines frosting directly out of the can while my friends looked on in horror, then I washed it down with a 40oz of malt liquor. I am not kidding. Just thought you'd want some context.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Just Saying said...

Why don't you stand on a corner in some silly get up (no your normal clothes don't count) and juggle for the crowds. Since overly large juggling acts are rare you might make some bucks.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

I don’t think you’ve broken any rules of etiquette keeping that booze for yourself. It’s been a year. You’ve waited long enough. Raise a toast to the memory of your friend’s birthday and then guzzle that shit straight from the bottle.

I am less amazed by your ability to juggle than by your continued gift at ingesting strange combinations of food and still being able to function coherently. Frosting and malt liquor? Madness.

9:31 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I was so impressed with how that action shot turned out!

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Jonathan said...

I wouldn't go so far as to say sleazy. Sleaz-ish?

Then again, you gotta get your drinks where you can, am I right? That shit ain't raining from the sky.

Did you drink all 40 oz at one time? Sweet.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

So I'm thinking that pic is from Rush Week '98?

3:31 PM  
Blogger Chris O said...

When you ate the frosting were your friends looking on in horror because it was the cream cheese frosting and they were lactose intolerant? It must have been, because if it was chocolate they would have been envious.

6:40 PM  
Anonymous DrunkBrunch said...

Yo, I'm working with someone from Top Chef and plan to slut it up to get a bunch of recipes. Will pass along. Especially if said recipes include bacon-wrapped hot dogs, anything simmered in beer and well, frosting.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

Can you do weekly reviews of "Gossip Girl" instead? I haven't had time to get into that show but I hear it's really great so I feel like I should be watching it because I'd really like it. So, since I don't actually have time to watch it, it would be great to get updates on your blog.

9:15 PM  

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