Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Judge Me Harshly By My Snack Food Choices

I've been writing this blog now for over two and a half years and, in that time, I think I've presented you guys with a fair representation of what exactly it's like to be me, C-dog. Not that the world was exactly clamoring for information on the subject, mind you. But still, day in, day out, come rain or come shine, I've been here... plopping knowledge on you pleasant-smelling people... laying naked my soul before you all and accepting your adoration, yes, but also your scorn, pity, careless whispers, nude photos, and drinks bought for me out of fear because I threatened you with a rusty hunk of metal ripped off an old shopping cart.

So, given the history we have together, I think I finally feel comfortable admitting something to you that's... well... a little difficult. I've hinted at it before, of course, but I've never just come right out and said it. At least I don't think so; I've posted A LOT on ZFS! over the years and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to take the time to wade hip-deep through the archives on any kind of fact-checking mission. You have any idea how much bullshit is in there? Let's just say having to sort through the drunken ramblings of a madman (even if said madman is me) makes a haymaker to the temple feel like a deep-tissue massage with full release.

Anyway, I'm stalling. This is really hard for me to say, but... fuck it... it's time to come clean, in front of God (or whomever) and everybody (y'all). Okay, here we go:

Deep Breath

Kids, seriously, I am just the worst.

That's it; that's my big announcement. I am just the worst person in the world, pretty much hands down. I mean, okay, you could probably make a case that whomever the guy is that's causing all the problems in Darfur is worse than I am, and maybe there's a serial killer out there dispatching nurses in parking lots... he's most likely worse than me if you break down all the facts on graph paper and use a calculator and whatever but... these special cases excepted... your ol' pal C-dog is literally the worst person on the planet.

You know how you can tell? Look at my choices in snack foods and extrapolate outwards from that. Don't worry, my confused lambies... I've brought with me to class an example that will clear up all your questions and quite possibly even get you laid (I don't know how it could get you laid, exactly, but I guess it's not entirely outside the realm of possibility).

Here is what I ate as a snack during the shortened Game 5 of last night's World Series broadcast:

The Ingredients

-A bag of Tostitos Scoop-style corn chip
-A container of sour cream
-A bag of shredded cheddar cheese
-A bottle of Louisiana-brand hot sauce

Method of Consumption

Take one Tostitos Scoop and dip it into the container of sour cream, getting a liberal amount of the product into the handy bowl-shape of the chip. Next, gather a healthy pinch of the shredded cheddar cheese... generic-brand, please, as it is much, much sadder... and place it on top of the sour-creamed chip. Then, add a few drops of the hot sauce, because you need something to cut through all that rich fattiness and give it some flavor. Finally, eat that motherfucker while taking stock of your life and trying to figure out where exactly you took the wrong turn that lead you here, eating two kinds of dairy and cayenne pepper squeezings on corn chips while sitting on the floor surrounded by Tostitos shrapnel and dropped cheese. Repeat as necessary until your heartbeat starts to sound like someone trying to pull a fence post out of a mud puddle (blorp-SPLORTCH, blorp-SPLORTCH, blorp-SPLORTCH).

See what I mean? Who eats sour cream straight out of the container? Who sprinkles it with cheese and hot sauce and shoves it in their face like some sort of swamp hog that learned to approximate human speech patterns well enough to fake the world into not calling Animal Control every time he wanders into the grocery store for more tasty, tasty dairy products?

The worst person in the world, that's who. Hi, how ya doin'? Jesus Christ, it's no wonder I'm still unemployed. It's frankly a miracle that people don't routinely drag me into dark alleys with the specific purpose of pinning me down so they can shit directly in my face. I'm lucky the government hasn't gotten involved.

Yikes. I've really got to make some life changes. Starting with snack foods and then working my way out in a spiral to all the other stuff that's horribly, horribly wrong with me. Oh man... oh man... it's so lonely here at the bottom of life's septic tank. But looking upward, I can see the bright, hot sunshine of an existence well-lived. It's only a pinpoint now, but I'll make it. Yes, I will make it there one day soon!

NOTE: Seriously though, it WAS a pretty tasty snack, all things considered. Not for everyone, I'm sure... probably not going to secure me a bust in the Culinary Hall of Fame... but... mmmm... so delicious in my mouth like a chunk of Heaven blown out of the sky by Cajuns using a homemade dairy rifle that works so well, people forget it doesn't exist.


Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

couple of things c-dog
1) Baseball instead of Monday Night football? Seriously? Not even "your" teams? You probably dont put catsup on your hotdog and dont think Angelina Jolie is hot either...
2) Sounds Delicious. Gonna try that myself some day soon
3) Thanks for helping me get laid! You are the best!
Your friend BFG

9:33 AM  
Blogger TFKoP said...

Wow...for the first time its history, Countdown w/ Keith Olbermann may not have Rush Limbaugh as the WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD tonight. I'm gonna watch and see if you, C-Dog, vault to the top of that list.

And while I'm watching, I'm gonna eat a whole lot of that ZFS Dip.


10:34 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Now I'm hungry.

12:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...



Boil some chicken and shred it up.
Mix it with Sour cream or blue cheese
Mix in a LOT of hot sauce.
Top it with a bunch of shredded chedder.

Pop it in the microwave for 2 minutes.


3:05 PM  
Blogger ML said...

so i pretty much ate the same thing last night, except it was in a restaurant, so i paid more money for it than you did. nachos with melted shredded cheddar cheese, dipped in buffalo sauce (from my boyfriend's wings... yes i reached over his food and used the sauce on his plate ... yes i'm the most embarrassing girlfriend ever) and then dipped all that into bleu cheese dressing. fucking. awesome.

we should go buy some carrots together. we're both on a downward spiral.

3:29 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Actually, that does sound pretty good.

Although I would use Tapatio sauce.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Quin Browne said...

i love the word extrapolate... thanks for working it into the story.

10:10 PM  
Blogger lacochran said...

"Who eats sour cream straight out of the container?"

That would be me.

Cut the fat? I think not.

Tortilla chips or potato chips and a tub o' sour cream. MMMMmmmm.

Sour cream is the food of the gods. I'd wrestle naked in it if it weren't so damn cold.

11:17 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I use salsa instead of hot sauce. I do not think either of us is the worst person in the world.

12:42 PM  
Blogger bob zombie said...

wow, sounds like my snack of choice!

i really like reading your blog and it has inspired me to start writing my own. i read a story you wrote about 'growing up' and getting yourself into credit debt early on in adulthood and i must say, i've gone down the same route myself. i also have a wonderful girlfriend who has been helping me out along the way. the story inspired me to get back into writing blogs, one hobby in which i fell out of a number of years ago. after reading a few of your entries i felt propelled to start my own haha.

thanks for keeping me interested


6:33 PM  
Blogger Chris O said...

I eat that too except no hot sauce. Instead I have pico de gallo with fresh jalapeno peppers. I figure the vegetables counteract the fat in the sour cream and cheese. And I freshly grate that cheddar. I didn't pay $350 for that KitchenAid to just sit there! So I guess I kinda eat what you eat only I have to work harder at it.

Now I have some questions for you? Since sour cream is already sour, how come it has an expiration date? Unless it has visible things growing in it, isn't it still good?

7:35 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

Okay, sour cream with taco seasoning. Stir well. Dip your chips. Delicious. However, now I want to put some cheese in it. Anyone up for some serious dairy gas?

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was rather interesting for me to read the blog. Thank you for it. I like such themes and anything connected to this matter. I definitely want to read a bit more on that blog soon.

3:29 AM  

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