No, Celebrity, I Will NOT Call You By Your Stupid Nickname (And Also I Hate You)
Fucking celebrities, I swear to God... okay, so, some of you might know this already but, as you might not all be fifteen year olds that consider Perez Hilton "the news," let me fill you in on what is simultaneously the biggest story on the planet right now AND the stupidest thing you'll hear today: It seems that Beyonce Knowles, of Dreamgirls fame (and I think she was in some shitty girl group), has decided to change her name to "Sasha Fierce."
This, by the way, was on Yahoo's top headlines this morning. Meaning, to Yahoo, THIS is one of the top five stories of the day. And... holy shit... I just checked back with Yahoo to see if the article was still up and it's been replaced on their front page by ANOTHER article about Bey- Sasha Fierce concerning her gaining of fifteen pounds for a movie role! Seriously, is Beyonce now Obama's running mate for the Presidency and I just missed it because the World Series is on? Because otherwise, I really don't see how any of this qualifies as newsworthy. It is, at best, "info-tainment" and it stretches thin the credibility of even that word (which is made up).
Look, I know that pointing out the foibles of our country's media is a blogging cliche right up there with listing your favorite songs and talking about this wacky thing you saw on the subway (all of which I do as well, but that's SOOOO not the point), but... c'mon... this is offensive, right? I'm not alone here, right? I'm just going to assume that it makes you all want to smash your faces in with a white-hot sledgehammer that's also a bomb because if everyone else is totally cool with this kind of shit going on and I'm the crazy nutty bonkers guy who's just coming off like an old man yelling at kids for cutting across his lawn on the way to soccer practice... well then... I might sit down on the floor of my living room and cry and cry and cry until the police come and arrest me on charges of being A Total Bummer.
So, yeah, whatever. Stupid Yahoo and their fake-news-is-real-news-because-OMG-FAMOUS-PEOPLE-SQUEEEEE. You think I like having to be all high and mighty about this shit? I would really rather be talking about farts and taking pictures of myself eating gross foods.
Anyway... in conclusion, and in the spirit of things, here's some names for which I'm considering discarding my current moniker. Everyone pick their favorite and then from now on I'll just be that. Or, you know, until I need a NEW alter-ego to shill a crappy R&B album that only the gays will buy.
C-dog No Longer, or, "Renaming the single most important person in your life"
"Dr. Sammy Goodtimes"
"Sgt. Hard Bargain USA"
"He Who Walks Behind The Rows"
"[generic humorous woman's name]"
"DJ Frazzle Snazzle"
"Diamond Danny and the Chanterelles"
"You can call me whatever you want, long as you don't call me LATE FOR DINNER!!! HA HA AHA HA HA HA HA!!!!"
Oh, and PS, Beyonce is now exactly like Garth Brooks. This is her "Chris Gaines" moment. I hope she knows this and I hope it makes her feel a shame so intense that she spontaneously bursts into flames during an interview about how it's really hard being a millionaire who gets everything she's ever wanted in both regular form and covered in solid gold melted down from the wedding rings of poor people who had to pawn them to make rent.