Thursday, October 23, 2008

No, Celebrity, I Will NOT Call You By Your Stupid Nickname (And Also I Hate You)

Fucking celebrities, I swear to God... okay, so, some of you might know this already but, as you might not all be fifteen year olds that consider Perez Hilton "the news," let me fill you in on what is simultaneously the biggest story on the planet right now AND the stupidest thing you'll hear today: It seems that Beyonce Knowles, of Dreamgirls fame (and I think she was in some shitty girl group), has decided to change her name to "Sasha Fierce."

I'm not kidding.

This, by the way, was on Yahoo's top headlines this morning. Meaning, to Yahoo, THIS is one of the top five stories of the day. And... holy shit... I just checked back with Yahoo to see if the article was still up and it's been replaced on their front page by ANOTHER article about Bey- Sasha Fierce concerning her gaining of fifteen pounds for a movie role! Seriously, is Beyonce now Obama's running mate for the Presidency and I just missed it because the World Series is on? Because otherwise, I really don't see how any of this qualifies as newsworthy. It is, at best, "info-tainment" and it stretches thin the credibility of even that word (which is made up).

Look, I know that pointing out the foibles of our country's media is a blogging cliche right up there with listing your favorite songs and talking about this wacky thing you saw on the subway (all of which I do as well, but that's SOOOO not the point), but... c'mon... this is offensive, right? I'm not alone here, right? I'm just going to assume that it makes you all want to smash your faces in with a white-hot sledgehammer that's also a bomb because if everyone else is totally cool with this kind of shit going on and I'm the crazy nutty bonkers guy who's just coming off like an old man yelling at kids for cutting across his lawn on the way to soccer practice... well then... I might sit down on the floor of my living room and cry and cry and cry until the police come and arrest me on charges of being A Total Bummer.

So, yeah, whatever. Stupid Yahoo and their fake-news-is-real-news-because-OMG-FAMOUS-PEOPLE-SQUEEEEE. You think I like having to be all high and mighty about this shit? I would really rather be talking about farts and taking pictures of myself eating gross foods.

Anyway... in conclusion, and in the spirit of things, here's some names for which I'm considering discarding my current moniker. Everyone pick their favorite and then from now on I'll just be that. Or, you know, until I need a NEW alter-ego to shill a crappy R&B album that only the gays will buy.

C-dog No Longer, or, "Renaming the single most important person in your life"

"Boozer No-Pants"

"Dr. Sammy Goodtimes"

"Sgt. Hard Bargain USA"

"Nathan Detroit"

"He Who Walks Behind The Rows"

"[generic humorous woman's name]"

"Mike Hunt"

"DJ Frazzle Snazzle"

"Diamond Danny and the Chanterelles"

"You can call me whatever you want, long as you don't call me LATE FOR DINNER!!! HA HA AHA HA HA HA HA!!!!"

Oh, and PS, Beyonce is now exactly like Garth Brooks. This is her "Chris Gaines" moment. I hope she knows this and I hope it makes her feel a shame so intense that she spontaneously bursts into flames during an interview about how it's really hard being a millionaire who gets everything she's ever wanted in both regular form and covered in solid gold melted down from the wedding rings of poor people who had to pawn them to make rent.


Blogger You're Out of Your Element, Bethie said...

UGH Chris Gaines moment indeed!

Upon reading that you are considering Diamond Danny as a moniker, I thought I should let you know that I have a friend who is actually named Danny you and he may need to work something out, speaking as his counsel.

9:18 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I cannot and will not fuck with a guy actually named Danny Diamond. Clearly he is a mobster and those people have no compunction about taking peoples thumbs.

Please do not give him my name. I like my thumbs.

9:22 AM  
Blogger JustBecky said...

Funny you should mention poor people pawning their wedding rings to make rent.

I did that yesterday.

Beyonce is probably gold-plating her toilet with them right now.

I hope she dies.

9:31 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

so schizophrenia is the new bulimia now amongst hollywood celebutards???

fuck her! your 15 minutes are long gone! big whoop! now she's gaining weight for some movie role so she could have her jennifer hudson moment! the one she shoulda had in dreamgirls but got outshined by a BBW newbie who just won a singing contest!!!!

and yeah...dr. sammy goodtimes! without a doubt!

if you don't want it i'm gonna take it!

10:17 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

p.s. in that pic she looks like dolly parton. a doly parton who just spent way too much time in a tanning booth. if she looked any more orange...she'd a fucking orange!!!

10:19 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

I would like to call you 'BeyonC-dog' from now on.

11:05 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

JustBecky... Oooh. Sorry. Didn't mean to touch a nerve there. If it makes you feel any better, in order to make rent I've been dancing at a strip club out by the airport under the name "Hairy Harriet." I am not the most popular dancer there, but I *am* a dancer there. So I got THAT going for me.

Jason... I actually thought she was good in Dreamgirls, but I also had set the bar very, very, very low. She didn't keep looking at the camera or say "line" during a big dramatic monolouge, so... you know... good for her.

Lioux... Unacceptable! I'm currently leaning towards "Sgt. Hard Bargain USA," but only because I'm considering a career as a pro wrestler.

11:39 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I particularly don't understand changing your name if the one you have is already unique and "fierce".

p.s. she and jay-z are going to be my neighbors!

12:39 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I think any name that has Buzzsaw in front of it is neato.

Example: 'Buzzsaw Pete'.

2:05 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Brooklyn... OMG you HAVE to tell me how their housewarming party is! Also, what are you talking about?

Big Daddy... Agreed. Buzzsaw is an excellent addition to any name. Buzzsaw Big Daddy would be a fine nickname for you, provided you're comfortable being a southern sheriff.

5:13 PM  
Anonymous David said...

To JustBecky

See I come on here (ZFS) to escape from the reality of life and now I feel guilty about you having to pawn your wedding ring. If that is true about your wedding ring, I’ll send you the money to get them back as long as its not a bajillion dollars.

To “Guy who goes out into the rain for free beer.”

She had to change her name because they don’t Beyounce anymore after gaining all that weight. Sasha is Russian for “sagging”

5:40 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

You can't give yourself a nickname. That's just lame.

7:43 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

That is just an expose right there.. Its a call out to the media...Placing that in the top five is ridiculous

7:56 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

They call that news?? HA! The reeeeeeeeal news of the day is that it looks like Mandy Moore and DJ AM are back on! Just kidding . . . sorta. I actually think the real news of the day is that they gave Bloomberg the ok to run for a third term. That's sorta pretty interesting.

And my vote for your new moniker is "Boozer No Pants."

11:03 PM  
Blogger Neverendingchase said...

My name is Neverendingchase, and I am no longer a lurker....

I vote for DJ Frazzle Snazzle. I can see myself calling u that.

9:05 AM  
Blogger JustBecky said...

Sorry if I bummed anyone out. This blog brightens my day like a little ray of sunshine, so touch all the nerves you like.
And we don't really miss the rings, we've got enough love and personal wealth to get through an apocalypse, if we can just keep the damn lights on. BTW, anyone need a kidney???

12:16 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

JustBecky... Aw, thanks dude. I've always considered myself somewhat sunshine-y, so it's nice to have that confirmed. Also, yes, I am in the market for a kidney. Do you accept PayPal?

3:54 PM  
Blogger Quin Browne said...


garth brooks was chris gaines?

(did i sound like i really believed it? i worked hard to type in a serious way)

10:18 PM  

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