Arbitrary Rulings 20 (Shapes Edition)

Circle- Apparently, the shape of the circle is proof of the existence of God. It's true, I read it one time in a book that was really long and had very small type, so, you know, obviously the statement must carry a bit of weight. They don't make leather-bound volumes (the book was leather-bound; didn't mention that) about frivolous falsehoods. I should know. When I published my autobiography... "C-dog: A Man And His Dream And Some Farts"... they would only let it be bound with old napkins from the gyro stand down the street from the publishing company. And all the pages were printed on pita pockets. Okay, there was no publishing company, I just like to write on Middle Eastern food. But my point is, circles supposedly prove the existence of god because of pi or some bullshit I don't understand because I never studied in school. HOWEVER, I don't need to understand all that nerdlinger talk because circles are the shape of delicious, hot-n'-bubbly pepperoni pizzas, slutty deep-dish blueberry pies, pints of beer if you're looking straight down at them, and tacos if you line them up on their side fold-to-fold. That last one may be a stretch but, fuck you, I like Mexican food so it stays. Anyway, food shaped like a circle? God is in the details, if he exists, which the jury is still out on, whatever, someone buy me a pizza.

Square- Ha! Speaking of nerdlingers, am I right??? Because... they're "square." In the sense that they don't have a lot of promiscuous sex and aren't overly familiar with drinking large quantities of grain alcohol and Hawaiian Punch from a trash can during parties with the potential to cause more structural damage than Katrina. But overall, being square is okay. You probably won't get STDs, for one thing, and you won't poop out your liver at 45 (as is my understanding of how the human body works). But we're not here to discuss the social aspects of square-dom. We're talking shapes, bitches! A square is... well, it's very... okay, you know how it's the same on all sides? That's neat. Math probably had something to do with it, but we'll let that slide. Oh! When you were a kid and you ate lunch in the cafeteria on a Friday, you got slices of pizza that were TOTALLY square! That right there is... you know... a thing.

Triangle- Boooooo! Triangles are the shape of witch hats and Klan hoods and yield signs which make you slow down and slowing down is LAAAAAAME 5000. Who knew triangles were totally evil? Arrrgh... but... wait... they're also the shape of your traditional pizza slice, as well as wedges of red velvet cake and individual portions of quiche (not that I'm a sissy who eats quiche, mind you; I threw that in there for the ladies) (if someone brought me a quiche right now, I'd TOTALLY eat it all fuck you style, sissy-ness be damned). But yeah, so the triangle is both evil AND good... it's like a bad ass biker with a heart of gold, or a serial killer that gives a lot of money to charity, or a dragon that plays the banjo. Sigh... the triangle is soooo dark and dreamy and mysterious... I bet it's the way it is because someone hurt it real bad one time...

Pentagon- The only shape in existence that's wholly the property of the United States government. It's true... it's why you can't find pentagon-shaped pizzas, say, or five-sided cookies even though the kids clamor for them in the streets, causing such an uproar, much more so than when the Jonas Brothers come to town. "Give us our five-sided snickerdoodles or give us DEATH!!!" they say in a scenario which I just made up to suit my purposes, and they shake their homemade protest signs and put on amusing skits that parody our nation's leaders and Bob Dylan from the 60s writes a song showing his support for their cause. Heady times, those. But the government is like, "I'm sorry, hippies, we bought the rights to the pentagon shape because it looks like one of our main buildings and we don't want people to eat it in effigy. So get bent." And thus the war rages on... in the streets, on college campuses, across this great land of ours... five-sided cookies, that's the dream, man, can you dig it? We shall overcome, brothers and sisters... we shall overcome.

Heart - Awwwww... it's what love looks like if you're lucky enough to get some of it under a microscope. Lots of little pink hearts flying around leaving stardust trails and crashing into each other with itty bitty rainbow-colored explosions that smell like strawberry lemonade on a sunny Saturday in the Springtime. It's true. Well, you know, it's PROBABLY true... no one has ever successfully been able to study love in a scientific setting because every time they took the lid off the jar, the scientists started smooching under the lab tables and holding hands when they're supposed to be working. Love's a toxin like that, I guess; messes with people's minds and makes them shirk their responsibilities for the chance at some cuddles and... if they're lucky... NAKED cuddles. Which are the bestest cuddles of all. So maybe we'll never truly know the actual shape of love on a molecular level; we'll just have to make due with the knowledge that love is everywhere and it generally makes us want to take our pants off. Which is fun for everybody.

Oh, and just so I score a perfect five-out-of-five... there was this pizza place in Austin that, every year on Valentines Day, made heart-shaped pizzas. How adorable? SO adorable. Love studded with pepperoni and covered in melty cheese is so awesome, it makes cherubs fly down from outer space and slow dance to old Van Morrison tunes in a warm, red light.