Expensive Foods: A Pictorial

Caviar



When I was about sixteen or so, I used to take my girlfriend (not Girlfriend, another girlfriend) to a restaurant in Fort Worth called Sardines. It was Italian, but like REAL Italian... not Pizza Hut Italian, which at the time was basically all we were familiar with. It was dark and cozy, as romantic as one could possibly hope to get in North Texas... it was fancy, in other words. Or, you know, fancy relative to the Waffle House. And the thing that most exemplified this somewhat fanciness, for me at least, was their house salad... your typical lettuce and tomato affair with some cured meats and what have you thrown in for good measure, but... BUT... it was topped with a tiny spoonful of caviar. Oooooh... elegance blown out my ass like a million-dollar comet made of top hats and Rolls Royce hood ornaments! Of course, now... over a decade later and just loaded-for-bear with wisdom... I recognize caviar for what it is: fish eggs, which are inherently gross. I mean, yes, they're tasty... all salty and the ocean Hiroshima-ing between your teeth... but there's just no getting around the fact that caviar is totally gross. Slimy and inky and food shouldn't be that color unless it's licorice and licorice is nasty too, so FOOD SHOULDN'T BE THAT COLOR. No matter how fish-tastic it is.

Cheap Alternative To Caviar: Coat some Dippin' Dots with black spray paint, then rub them with cat food. Voila, caviar that only cost you a trip to the mall, seeing as how you got the spray paint from your garage and the cat food from your cat. Your dinner party is going to be a smash!

Champagne



Wedding booze, basically. I mean, sure, if you're a rapper you probably drink this stuff by the gallon... particularly if it's over-priced and Jay-Z talks about it because rappers by and large make poor financial decisions... but otherwise, when are you ever going to drink champagne outside of your best friend Ricky's wedding to that bitch he met at the bar that one night when she showed her boobs and EVERYONE thought she was cool, man, but you knew... you saw her eyeing his new pickup truck and thinking she was hooking herself a rich-ass man. Little did she know Ricky stole that truck from his cousin and really he just works in a tire shop. And then he got her pregnant. But whatever, they're getting married whether you like it or not so you're going to stand up there beside him (because that's what bros do) and then you're going to drink enough champagne at the reception to turn your black tux the color of all the food you ate at the bachelor party. Another one bites the dust... goddamn women, man, I tell you what.

Cheap Alternative To Champagne: Grain alcohol and Sprite mixed in a bucket with a little bit of pee for color. Or I guess you could use Ginger Ale and skip the pee, but then it's not going to taste right and Ricky's wedding is going to go all to hell and you just KNOW that bitch is going to try to pin it on you.

Lobster



Sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, America, but lobster fucking blows. THAT'S RIGHT... suck it, Maine. Lobster is way too pricey, not all that flavorful, and it looks like something that crawled out of a rock that fell from space. You have to fucking drown the thing in melted butter, like to the point where you might as well just be doing melted butter shots, and that's only fun for a little while if you're not alternating them with shots of mayo... seriously, you're better off just ditching this overpriced sham of a crustacean and tucking into a large plate of good ol' fashioned, Old Bay encrusted, you get to hit 'em with a hammer, Maryland crabs. Mmmm... MMM!!! So delicious, juices running down your chin, just a hit of lemon and butter is all they need... god, I could eat a suitcase full of those tasty motherfuckers. They are ugly, I'll give you that, but then again so is Dustin Hoffman and he won an Oscar. So I think you see my point: Crabs could have played the lead in Kramer vs. Kramer, easily. Lobster is, at best, the second banana in a Dane Cook movie. Straight to video!

Cheap Alternative To Lobster: Get a few Fillet O' Fish sandwiches from McDonalds, scrape off all the breading and cheese and tarter sauce, and stuff what's left into some old walnut shells. Dip them in ketchup for color.

Truffles



Okay, seriously, why is all expensive food disgusting to look at it? Is that like the law or something? Is it supposed to be okay because they're "pretty on the inside?" WHATEVER, these look like a serial killer's collection of his victim's balls. But, you know, really old, like from the Wild West. Oooh, wouldn't it be cool if there was a movie about a serial killer but set, like, at the OK Corral? Dude, someone should write that. I would SO watch that. Oh right, truffles... so they're mushrooms. That's it. They don't have pearls inside them nor where they at any time touched by Jesus as he made his way up to the place with the cross and the stabbing and the whole crown of thorns thing. They're just rare, I guess. And supposedly quite tasty, or so sayeth the snobs of our great land. I wouldn't know, though, because I can't fucking afford to eat anything with truffles. I can barely afford Spaghetti-Os. SERIOUSLY... Spaghetti-Os are pushing it with regards to my budget. So how do you expect me to eat a nutsack fungi that only grows in France? Jerks. And did you know you have to have a pig to find these?!?! What the fuck is up with THAT? Fucking pig requirements on vegetables... man, fuck those guys...

Cheap Alternative To Truffles: Shoplift some regular button mushrooms from the grocery store (do it during the shift change, dude... tip from me to you) and then keep a few of them in your hamper for a few days, until they're wicked ripe. Brush off the lint, then make your girlfriend eat them all, "I got these for you because I love you!!! Eat it!!! I bought a pig for you!!! Please touch my penis now.... but, ew, rinse your mouth out because your breath smells like my boxers and not in the good way ifyaknowwhatImeant!!!."

Foie Gras

This is like a whole loaf of the stuff, or like one whole goose liver that's been ballooned up by over-feeding and whatever by folks that are cool with abusing animals like that was just a normal part of their everyday lives because it produces something you can sell at a bonkers mark-up to restaurants where they make you wear a tie (assholes). I bet foie gras farmers would kick kittens square in their little kitten faces if the end result was a sack of money from Le Grande Bistro Snootypants Du Jour. Now, that being said, foie gras IS just retardedly delicious. All meaty and sort of sweet and almost carnal in it's own way (provided your ideas of carnality run to pan-seared slabs of waterfowl organ). Whatever sorrow it is that these poor animals are put through, it makes for the best seasoning. Emeril should bottle that shit before I do, because a little suffering makes any meal a FANCY meal. Ha! I just got my catchphrase. Food Network, I'm coming to rock your asses!!!

Cheap Alternative To Foie Gras: You know that guy in your office that you can't stand because he ALWAYS plays Republican talk radio too loud and you're pretty sure he's the one who's always peeing on the seat and then just leaving it there like a fucking crazy homeless person? Kill him and eat his liver. It will give you powers...