Monday, October 13, 2008

Little Known Facts About Christopher Columbus

NOTE: As it's Columbus Day and I've got nothing better to do... unless you count drinking, which I can easily accomplish while blogging (they go together like peanut butter and strippers who are okay with you smearing peanut butter on their boobs)... let me share with you some little known facts about the man, they myth, the legendary STD carrier known across the land as C-Bus:

-Everyone knows that he took three ships with him on his voyage to America... the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria... but what you DON'T know is that the Pinta was technically more of a sloop! I know, right??? History sure is.
-In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Coincidentally, he also took 1492 hits off an opium pipe made from the femur bone of a Chinaman during his historic trip.
-Queen of Spain? Got all up in that.
-This isn't so much little known as it is little discussed, but I think it's important that kids know the truth about or country's so-called heroes: During their months at sea, all the sailors... Columbus included... would just poop over the railings of the ship rather than have to deal with the accumulated waste of many, many none-too-healthy men. Take a deep mental whiff of THAT every time you invoke his greatness with regards to him "discovering America." Smells like historical white-wash!!!
-Wrote and directed Mrs. Doubtfire, but like YEARS after the whole America thing. Also ruined RENT.
-Columbus hated the Post Office, which is why you can't mail that package to your brother today. If the Post Office opens it's doors on Columbus Day, we immediately forfeit the deed to American and all the Indians go, "Score!!!" And then it's a million years of buffalo meat and stories about "how the stars are really holes pecked by the might crow god." Shit gets OLD, so just mail your shit tomorrow.
-If you say his name three times while looking in the mirror of a dark bathroom, Christopher Columbus will appear behind you and try to get you to invest in a trip to the West Indies for spices.
-He taught the Pilgrims about maize with his coonskin cap and his bag of apple seeds that he planted with his big, blue ox called Babe and... um... he married Carrie Nation and... was a steel-drivin' man... wow, I'm drunk...


Blogger Sonny Amou said...

I heard that Christopher Columbus was also the man behind the grassy knoll. They never did find that guy...

11:54 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

I heard Christopher Columbus created the Bermuda Triangle by sailing his ships in that geometric pattern at speeds of warp six and that he now resides in Davey Jones’ locker under that water (that’s why it’s hotter).

12:11 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

This post is soooo much more informative than the Bugs Bunny exposé I had watched years ago as a child.

And now I have nowhere to show off my package today!

12:56 PM  
Blogger TFKoP said...

My favorite thing about Christopher Columbus is that Cliff Clavin used his slightly-modified name to one day comment on Norm's weight by calling him "Christopher Colum-butt" on an episode of 'Cheers'.

8:10 PM  

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