Monday, October 27, 2008

Awful Halloween Costumes: A Pictorial

NOTE: All of the following costumes are available at Ricky's, the shitty costume superstore for shitty people buying shitty products.

The Joker

I get it, okay. He gave an amazing performance in a fantastic movie and OF COURSE people are going to want to dress up as him to show their fan-love and appreciation and what have you. However... this costume? Blows. For one thing, that's a fucking mask. A mask! Granted, not everyone looks like Heath Ledger, but still; you can pull off The Joker look well enough with face paint and some hair dye and then it won't look like you bought your shit at the dollar store. Also, I don't think dude ever wore a costume in the movie that was the same color as a stripper's underwear. And the OTHER thing that sucks about this costume is you just know there's going to be some wiseass out there that'll pair this with a whole bunch of empty prescription bottles because that's SOOOOOO CLEVER and everyone will look at him with a mixture of disgust, pity, and an almost overwhelming desire to hit him in the face with the bumper of a car.

"Vampire Lord," Apparently

I don't have a problem with people dressing up like Vampire Lords per se; it's more that I just didn't realize Vampire Lords look like if Howard Stern was a Goth. Maybe that's really their image and I need to bone up on my Anne Rice or something.

"Rehab Queen" (or, Ricky's couldn't secure the rights to use Amy Winehouse's name because OBVIOUSLY)

In theory, I have no problems with an Amy Winehouse costume. She's got a very distinctive look, granted, and hey... "Back to Black" was a great album. But, seriously, FUCK YOU Ricky's for marketing it as a reference to her drug addiction. We get it, she's a mess of a human being ha ha ha hilarious do you also sell special effects make-up that looks like track marks? Plastic crack pipes that hold bits of rock candy? Applique impetigo sores? Way to fart class, you shitty, shitty retail outlet, you. I can't wait until she dies and you can put out the Rehab Queen Zombie deluxe costume kit with a body bag and a real vial of her mother's tears.

Horrifying Clown-Child

Sure, Halloween is a time for we as a nation to revel in all things ooky-spooky but Jesus Breakdancing Christ trick r' treating isn't going to be a lot of fun this year if everyone you come in contact with immediately shits their pants from fright. Why don't we just dispense with the "clown costume" charade and call this for what it really is? This year, little Billy is going as "a murderer of sorority girls and whoever else gets in his way." Wait a second... where IS little Billy... and where are all he steak knives... oh god... there's someone in the basement laughing all high-pitched like a madman... AIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!

Sarah Palin

Sorry, ladies... dressing up as Sarah Palin? So is EVERYONE else. Seriously, I challenge you to go to any Halloween party in America and count the number of girls pissed off because Judy is dressed just like her with the matching suit and the pageant banner and the fake gun and whatever and OMG so is Bianca and Lacey and Raquel too!!! If you walk out of the party having counted less than ten Sarah Palins... well, then... there were only eleven people at that party. (the odd man out was dressed as The Joker)

The bikini is a nice touch, though, but only because girls have boobies and it's awesome of them to use a holiday to show them off, uncreative costume or not.

Balls-Out Guy/Frat Guy Completely Out of Ideas

One of my favorite things about costume crap-factories like Ricky's is that they sell you shit for $20 that you could do yourself with NO effort whatsoever for free. I mean, granted, you probably don't have a large set of plastic fake testicles just lying around the dorm but... um... if you're a dude, barring a horrific farm machinery accident, you've already GOT balls willing and ready and eager for the chance to breathe a little bit if only for one night. Now, yes, there's a good chance that replicating the above costume with your own goodie bag (as it were) would most likely get you arrested... but, hey, that's risk you take if you're trying to make stupid people laugh beer out of their nose on Halloween. Plus, getting arrested for showing your balls around campus will make you a Phi Beta Kappa LEGEND, dude.


Um... how... exactly... is this an okay thing for them to sell? If it were a bag containing a canister of black shoe polish, some fake watermelon slices, and a huge afro wig, I'm pretty sure all the Ricky's in the city would be firebombed within an hour of opening for business. I mean they should be firebombed anyway (because they're awful places where souls die... have I mentioned that?) but that's not the point. Anyway, I bet this costume is a huge hit in areas where NASCAR races trump graduation ceremonies as Must-Attend Events.

"Jason's Babe" or, Thing That Makes C-dog's Head Explode

Oh come the fuck on! That's not even a real thing!!! Jason murdered girls that looked like her; he didn't have one of them dress up like a slutty version of himself!!! What is this costume even supposed to mean? I like horror movies and am also a whore? I'm dressed up as Jason Voorhees if he killed coeds with STDs? My boyfriend is a in black metal band and I lost a bet? The mind reels and melts and leaks out my ears from the sheer boneheadedness.

Your Kid's Tragic Future

What the fuck kind of sad-sack five year old looks at all the rows of spacemen costumes and cowboy costumes and Dracula costumes and goes... ya know... I think I'd really rather dress up as a barely-above-minimum-wage blue collar worker who drinks a lot of beer and has a bad back from improperly lifting people's purchases all day. That's who I am in my deepest childhood fantasies! I mean, sure, the clown costume up there is still way scarier, but this one has pure, uncut sorrow locked down tight.

We'd Like To Announce to The Party That We're Having Sex With Each Other... But How?

I don't know, maybe just carry around a huge, hand-painted sign that says "We're Fucking" instead of dressing up as a cheap visual metaphor for your penis and your vagina connecting in a way that "like totally makes electricity, get it, ELECTRICITY, we're gross and lame and the sex we have is boring!" You people smell like strawberry lube and frustration. You make porn look romantic. You make the Karma Sutra cry in a million different positions.
Also, way to be the one girl in the world who decided to wear a shapeless sack as her Halloween costume. Way to miss the point so badly, the point follows you home and kills you in your sleep because the point will not be ignored like that!!!


Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Ricky’s is the best/worst that retail has to offer. How many stores have pretty, sparkle sequins in their signage? It's as if Duane Reade vomited.

8:42 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Haha, YES, Ricky's IS totally like if Duane Reade vomited. I just hate that place so much... like, to a completely irrational degree. I know it's supposed to be a fun place for people to buy wacky outfits and whatever but for some reason the only thing it reminds me of is date rape.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Way to crush junior’s dreams, dressing him up as a UPS delivery guy.

That’s the saddest child costume I have ever seen.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

I <3 Ricky's. I shop there year round for all my wardrobe needs.

For Halloween this year, I'm going to go as 'Taxes' so everyone will have to do me.


10:50 AM  
Blogger JustBecky said...

So Lioux, will you be a 1040 EZ?

Sorry, that was lame.

This Halloween, I will be hiking around Deliverance Country digging up stuff that's been dead for a few hundred million years. No costume required, but I will be wearing flannel and carrying a rock hammer and dental pick.

The best part of being a geology major...Field Trips!!!

12:24 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Dude, I thought of the Palin thing the DAY AFTER SHE WAS NOMINATED. AND we look alike. (unfortunately) AND I'm aware that other people will be dressed as her, and that people might throw things at me, but whatever! It's cool! And topical! (but I'm not going around in a bikini in October)

12:27 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Don't hate the Palin costume. That's funny stuff! Mocking makes me happy!

Also, I thought that "Jason's Babe" outfit was an Avril Lavigne costume. She's hot.

2:00 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

Your tragically hysterical description of the FedEx kid made me choke on my ice pop. It was brilliant.

11:26 PM  
Blogger Quin Browne said...

i work in a costume shop every halloween...

...i feel your pain.

10:13 PM  
Blogger bob zombie said...

well it sounds like ricky's is a little better than our head shop/once-a-year-halloween-store.. they carry a small line of latex masks and other ridiculously overpriced costumes. i go ebay, there are some creative people out...

6:50 PM  

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