Happy Halloween Hodgepodge

Aw, yeah. Zombie pumpkin all up in here. And for the record, NO, I did not carve said masterpiece myself. I don't really "do" that sort of thing on a regular basis, seeing as how I'm too lazy to be bothered, usually too drunk to be trusted with a knife, and generally wary of any sort of gourd that hasn't been combined with cinnamon and nutmeg in some sort of whipped cream-adorned pie. However, I certainly respect the people out there who take the time to carve shit right; their work is interesting, festive, and a sad metaphor on the state of the human condition when it begins to rot on the front porch in early November. It can be appreciated on an aesthetic level AND on a smarty-pants intellectual level and that's why every single art school in the world should allow students to choose Pumpkin Carving as a major. It's at least as valid as, say, multimedia installation art (although that is the one art school major that can help you out later in life, post-failure, when you're trying to get a job at Best Buy).

Anyhoo... pumpkin carving: Totally on board, as long as I don't have to participate in any way other than in the role of casual, liquored-up observer.

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A few posts ago, I ragged pretty hard on a bunch of costumes that were, in my highly respected and heavily biased opinion, mostly bullshit. This of course leads to the inevitable question, "Oh yeah, Mr. High-and-Mighty Internet Judgement Guy, what are YOU going as for Halloween, if you're so fucking handsome and smart???" I mean, no one has technically asked me this question, but I imagine a few of you out there were thinking it. And if not, well why the fuck weren't you? I'm trying to be controversial over here because controversy equals attention and attention equals a big time book deal and a big time book deal means I can sit on my fat ass for the next forty years drinking fruity rum drinks manly scotch and laughing myself stupid at poor people. I want this so fucking bad, you guys, and nobody even cares!!! ...bastards...

But getting back to the question at hand: What am I dressing up as for Halloween this year?

Nothing. Not wearing a costume. Not this year, not ANY year. And it's not because I have any sort of ideological problem with people dressing up, or I'm one of those fucking losers like in high school who "rebelled against the prom" by not going but really it was just because no one wanted to be their date. No, I'm not dressing up because... and I mean this... Halloween in New York is a fucking hassle. Times every number in the world. Okay, yes, it's also because I'm a crankypants old man that hates fun and thinks good times sting like Mace. Whatever. Mostly it's because of the hassle.

Look, I hate crowds, okay. A lot. And I hate crowds even more when I'm dressed up like The Crow and having to fight my way through a million billion people in the West Village that smell like greasepaint and hairspray and tequila shooters. Granted, not going down to the big parade does mean that I'll miss out on drunk girl boobs flopping around and/or some dude puking all over his homemade Transformers costume... both of which are highly entertaining spectacles and cheaper than most off-off-Broadway plays... but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

"So, C-dog, why don't you just go to a Halloween party then and skip the collision of mentally ill theater people and rape-y frat guy vibes that's happening downtown?" Yeah, like parties are any better? I'm awkward and strange enough making small talk over Everclear punch (at least until it kicks in and I start trashing the place like someone showed Frankenstein their cool new Misfits Zippo). The situation ain't going to improve much with the addition of costumes.

And all of this is not even mentioning the gallery of horrors that IS riding the subways in costume. One of the saddest, most devastating things I've ever witnessed happened about four years ago... I was coming home from the Halloween late shift at the video store I worked at at the time (it was about 1am) and, on the train with me, heading straight into the heart of the ghetto, was about nineteen gang members, a few recently released convicts, two or three armed robbers, and one guy dressed up as Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream. His costume consisted of a dancebelt, great swirls of multicolored body paint, a heavy shake from the glitter can, and elaborate fairy wings held to his mostly-nude body by what appeared to be Christmas tree tinsel.

I am not making any of this up. It was like watching a frail, sickly mouse who just wanted to study modern dance in the big city get surrounded by alley cats in FUBU jackets who think bullet holes are hilarious and crack tastes amazing. My stop arrived before they'd done any real harm to his dumb ass (although I assume they were just waiting for me to leave before they obliterated his very existence), but I think you see my point about riding the subway in costume, generally, and Halloween in NYC, specifically.

Major fucking hassle.

So, tonight, I'll be chilling in front of the TV getting drunk, eating Doritos, and watching horror movies. And, okay, you could try to make an argument that this is basically how I spend the other 364 days of the year, but that's where you're wrong. I will be adding candy corn to the mix, as well. I'm not COMPLETELY immune to the charms of the holiday, ya know.

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Wow, that middle section turned out way longer than I intended. Kinda got on a roll. Well, this won't be much of a hodgepodge I guess, seeing as how I'm now bored with writing and would really like to go back to sleep for a few hours, but whatevs. Let me just say this to you, boils and ghouls...

I hope, despite my anti-Halloweeniness up there, that YOU have a pleasant, fun time tonight and that you get really drunk and laid by a Sexy Nurse or a Hunky Fireman or whatever happens to be the slutty costume-wearer that most tickles your fancy. Be safe, don't drink and drive (the mugshot of you in your Miley Cyrus costume will be all over the internet by dawn, especially if you're a dude), don't take any apples with visible razor blades jutting out from the flesh, and... above all else... take videos of any and all well-choreographed zombie groups doing the Thriller dance and send them directly to me. That shit cracks me up.