If You And I Are Going To Be Friends, There's Some Stuff You Should Know...
-I will drink you under the table. Then I will steal your table.
-Hope your girlfriend is into group sex. Oh, not with us, though; I sold her to some Thai businessman for some sweet new iPhone apps. Haha... it's like I'm REALLY shooting pool!!!
-You can't spell "transporting stolen goods across state lines" without "P-A-L-S," am I right... pal? Now, help me lift these boxes before the security guard comes back around.
-Due to some obscure language in our country's RICO laws, us becoming best friends gives the US Government the right to seize your house. And your parents' house. And your parents.
-I will occasionally need to use the trunk of your car for... um... let's go with "business." Never open the trunk of your car without talking to me first. Trust me.
-There will be lots of drunk dialing. And drunk texting. And drunk shitting on your entertainment center because I thought it was a robot bathroom.
-I promise that I will NEVER forget your birthday, nor will I ever forget any of the ways you've wronged me (real or imagined) and there will one day be a fiery retribution at my gloved hand and the streets will run with your blood and the angels will no longer be able to hold back the Darkness of a Thousand Years. For your birthday, we should TOTALLY go to Dave & Busters! Skee-ball!!!
-I'll make love to you. Like you want me to. And I'll hold you tight, baby, all through the night. I'll make love to you. When you want me to. And I will not let go 'til you tell me to.
-I guess basically what I'm trying to say is this: You and I are going to be BFF... Best Friends Forever!!! Or, you know, until you finally get wise that's it's me killing all your pets.